Happy Frikkin Holidays!

The weather outside is frightful...

NOT!!!

I brought some nice warm weather with me to Chicago so all the snow is melting. I am still hopeful that I can ambush my nephews, Max & Gunner, with a nice snowball fight. :-)

OK, so I have been WAY out of the loop on recent events folks... naturally, between that and working so damn much I have had too little to say. So, for the New Years, I am setting myself a couple goals...

1. Learn to play guitar
2. Write at LEAST once per week in my blog
3. Write at LEAST once per week in my book
4. Get my keester on 88.5 FM in Tampa (that's the public access radio station)

I've literally had a half dozen people over the past year tell me I should be on radio. So, I've decided it's time to start working towards that end. Even if it is just an hour a week or so, I think it is time to get it rolling. If I die not doing it, I'll be pretty frikkin pissed with myself.

Heading into downtown Chicago in a few hours to hang out, imbibe a few beverages, and hit Michigan Avenue for a little shopping. The highlight is going to be the show at Improv Olympic tonight... haven't been there in quite a while and I am curious to see the Harold up close and personal again... I LOVE "YES, AND..."

One thing I love about travelling is the people watching... back in the day before all the security checkpoints and stuff, my friends and I would take the train to Midway Airport, sit in one of the bars and hit on women travelling from elsewhere. Not too easy to do that any more since all the security stuff put into place... not a whole lot of airports have bars outside the security checks. Ft. Lauderdale is one that does, maybe I will move there someday to open up that hunting ground. :)

The only other new stuff in my world is bad news... specifically, The Bad News Bears... season is over. No playoffs the season after losing the Super Bowl... nothing like falling flat on your collective face, huh? If Ron Turner is NOT fired, it will be a travesty. Visit http://www.fireronturner.org to join me and Uncle Meatball in our campaign to get rid of Ron Turner, the architect of the woeful Bears offense.

The only bright point is that we can still sweep the Green Bay Packers... of course, the season after going to the Super Bowl, settling for last place and a sweep of the Packers is kinda like when you are on wingman duty and have to bed down with the ugly friend so your buddy can pickup the hottie.

The ugly friend usually is not NEARLY as much fun... :(

Peace out...

Heitz

'Sup Homeys!

First off, I must apologize for my absence... totally unacceptable... Suffice it to say, I will try to keep my flow going. It's been a crazy couple weeks with trips to Orlando (see previous posts...) and Ft. Lauderdale thrown in the mix, not to mention the pending Holiday schedule coming up.

Anyhoo... it's been a rough couple weeks on the sports fan front as well. My SIU Salukis are suddenly allergic to being on National Television. The hoops team lost two games on TV that they didn't bother even showing up, and the football team laid an egg against Deleware on Saturday.

Seriously, if you lose a team called the friggin' Blue Hens then you should all be flogged in public. WTF is a Blue Hen? Is that some kind of retirement village euphipism? I didn't realize Deleware was a big retirement state. I thought that is what Florida was for?

The worst part about the Saluki football game was it was EXACTLY like watching a Chicago Bears game. they SHOULD win, and at points play well enough to give you that hope, then the offense disappears only to be apparently rescued by a great kickoff return. In the end, they couldn't take care of the fundamentals and lose the game.

Yup... JUST like watching the Bears... oh, and in case you were wondering about my sour mood the past couple days it's because the Bears were officially eliminated from the playoffs when they lost Thursday night to the Washington Redskins. The only poistive from that game is that after the 'Skins knocked Grossman out for the season we returned the favor by knocking out Jason Campbell. On top of that, Grossman at least left the stadium under his own power. Campbell ooked like a heroin addict... he was wheeled out in a wheelchair, an IV in his arm and a glossed over look on his face... PRICELESS...

So, that's been the icing on the cake of a rough couple weeks. There is a realization I have come to in the past month or more since starting to work in downtown Tampa. Basically, the next 5-10 years will determine the future course of this city. Either the city leaders will step up and insist on some REAL planning that will make this area a popular place not only to visit but also to live, or a LOT of people will end up somewhere else. In the two days I spent in Ft. Lauderdale, I was amazed at how much more it actually FELT like a city. There was a hustle and bustle around that Tampa just flat out lacks. I love the Tampa area, but if it's still the sleepy little place 5 years from now I may find myself down in Miami or back up north. Who knows? Anything in possible at this point...

One last item... one of my nieces called me this morning and some of the info I got was that her younger sister (my other niece, of course) is in LOVE with her Gameboy. So, I started singing... "Gabby & Gameboy, sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!"... word to the wise... don't make an 11 year old laugh too much when they are on the phone with you... they don't understand the whole "inside voice" thing and they tend to drop things a lot.

That's all I got for you on this Sunday night... more to come... I promise!

Peace out...
Heitz

What just happened?

Yikes... so I write a blog last Saturday and then POW!!! Before I know it Thanksgiving has passed and it's the following Sunday already. I couldn't even tell you what I did over this past week other than earn a paycheck.

Hmmmm... Is this really the ultimate goal? Work so hard to make a good living (or in some folks cases a marginal wage...) but put forth so much energy that you couldn't tell someone what you had for dinner on Tuesday?

Well, I guess in the big scheme of things, what I had for dinner Tuesday is pretty inconsequential. Of course, considering we are all specks of dirt in the UBER scheme of things, it really hardly matters whether I make a living or not.

One of the things I miss about living in Chicago is the history... and not just the history of the area. I used to go to the Art Institute once a month or so... you want to talk about being insignificant??? How about looking at a bowl or urn made over 3,500 years ago... I imagine I'll probably live into my 70's or so (sounds about right)... imagine if I could create something that would last for 3,500 years!!! Now THAT would be an accomplishment. Like that Beowulf guy... no one knows who originally wrote that story but it only dates back to the 8th century or so. That's only a third of the timeline of some of the pieces I used to stare at and wonder about the hands that made them...

I've been thinking a LOT about history lately... mainly musical history and literature... I recently decided it's time to learn to play guitar and I listen to some of the masters of rock guitar like Jimmy Page, Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton... It reminds me of how I feel when I started playing golf at the age of 30. Seeing little Tiger Woods on that TV show all those years ago hitting balls at like the age of 6 or something... the exact same feeling as seeing Salvador Dali's first work when he was six years old.

And I come to the realization that while I had a good time being a kid, I really wasted a LOT of time. I mean, what did I get out of gorging myself on sugar coated cereal and watching cartoons on Saturday mornings?

So, I just got done browsing the news web sites for the first time in a week... nothing new... protesters getting hosed by water cannons, people in Pakistan are being arrested for supporting the old prime minister, a guy bought a town in Texas on eBay...

same shit different day...

Back to the insignificant stuff... the Chicago Bears get to be spanked by the Denver Broncos today. I left a brief smack talk voicemail for the only Bronco fan I know yesterday... went something along these lines...

"YO, Ben-wah!!! Frikking Bears RULE!!! Broncos are going DOWN to Chinatown!!!"

Again, I just don't seem to learn my lessons.

Peace out...

Heitz

Saturday Ramblings

So, I went to Best Buy in order to get out of the house for a while and look at all the big screen TV's I can't afford yet...

There was a line of over a dozen people waiting to talk to the Geek Squad guys. Apparently, those guys still have the wool pulled over everyone's eyes because they are still NOT fixing any one's computers for ridiculous rates.

I'm gonna throw this out there and hope the CEO of Best Buy reads my blogs...

Being a Level 75 Elven Warrior in World of Warcraft and knowing how to tie a tie (I'm pretty sure those are clip-ons, but whatever...) does not qualify you to fix people's computers.

True story... a friend of mine brought her laptop to the Geek Squad. they had it for a week and hadn't touched it. They then put her on hold and transferred her around the store for 90 minutes when she called in. They then told her she needed a new hard drive, but that she could get a new laptop for only $100 more!!!

Finally, she told me about her ordeal and I told her to just go in there and get her computer back and bring it to me. I did a little research on her error message and within an hour or so had the computer humming along like new.

Now, I am no genius... never claimed to be. In fact, I am pretty dumb sometimes. But the stuff the Geek Squad pulls is like if you went to the dentist with a toothache, he locked you in the waiting room for a week, then told you you needed a liver transplant but what the heck, pay a little more and they can replace your kidneys while they are in there as well!

So, trying to explain the Geek Squad phenomenon is difficult... people KNOW these guys are idiots and cannot fix your computer, yet they are lined up around the block for their services. I guess someone someday will be able to explain that to me... until then, I'll keep cleaning up their messes and be the Hero.

Speaking of Heroes... this dude last night was my hero... Check this out... in stilts, he might have been 5'3"... the girls sitting to the right on the photo (there are actually 3 of them) were as tall as he was and they were SITTING!!! So, these three girls walk in, knockouts all 3 of 'em, absolutely killer hot... every dude in the place starts eyeballing them (I didn't have to, i was sitting right there anyways...)... MiniMan there, going bald and all, saunters over. He had been sitting a little further down the bar all night and ogling every girl that walked in. No discretion at all... he was pretty wasted...

So, anyways, he wanders over towards my table and stands next to it like we are together or something. He walks over and stands behind the girl pictured, just staring at her butt like a bull staring down a toreador. He then looked around, walked back over to my table (again, like he belonged there) and then walked back to the girls. As I snapped this shot, he was contemplating sitting next to them... clearly a huge moment in his existence.

So, finally he builds up the nerve and sits on the stool next to the girls, FACING ME! He doesn't even sit at the bar like he belongs there... he turns his back to the girls and the bar and faces me! (I KNOW, INSANE!!!) All the while, he is staring hard at this chicks behind. Of course, I am sitting there watching this all unfold and trying to figure out exactly how pathetic this guy is.

This goes on for probably 7-8 minutes... he looks at them, looks at his beer, looks at them, looks at his beer. I almost felt sorry for him. I mean, he'd probably get bitch slapped by a 2nd grader, losing his hair, probably hasn't even held a girls hand in a while, and here he is sitting right next to possibly the three hottest chicks he will ever see in his life...

And he chokes...

Not once does he try to strike up a conversation... he does not offer to buy them a round... he doesn't do anything but choke down his beer, get up from his stool, look at her butt again, and leave... Now, I know plenty of guys around his height with plenty of confidence... he had NADA... NONE... NIL... ZIP...

Seriously, I cannot imagine how shitty life for some people must be. To have so little confidence would pretty ruin my day every day... forget about my career in sales... would never happen if I was like that guy.

I guess he can at least write in his diary...

"Dear Diary... what a great night!!! Ahh, the smell of her perfume is intoxicating! I've never before been so close to such perfection!!! It was right within my grasp!!! I promise you, Diary, that next time I will buy her a drink!!! Well, I'm off to rub one out... I think he smell is lingering on my hand somewhere... Good Night!!!"

And that is why I am glad I am not him...

Peace out...

Heitz

I suck... No wait... On second thought I rock...

So, I'm driving home, tired after a long day but starvin' Marvin over here... Thinking to myself, "I should stop at that Mediterranean restaurant I've been meaning to check out..."

What do I do???

Try Chef-Boy-ar-dee... Ravioli...

Deeee-lish...

I coulda had some Swordfish shish-ka-bob or something... instead I had fake pasta with fake meat sauce...

And then I turned on the TV to find out Barry Bonds was indicted... Hmm... What did I say about his huge melon a couple months ago???

http://thedailyheitz.blogspot.com/2007/07/taking-some-good-w-bad.html

I actually suggested beaning him every time up... smooth move MLB... NOT!!! Instead, they let him break Aaron's record and now he's indicted for the lies he told while under oath. Seriously, who didn't know his planetoid shaped melon was the result of steroids?

I will make a prediction... you read it here first...

Barry Bonds will plead guilty
Barry Bonds will never make it to the Hall of Fame
Barry Bonds will commit suicide at some point

Think about it... the only reason he went on the roids is because he was jealous about the home runs the other roid boys were hitting (Sosa, McGwire, Canseco, etc...). His goal was Hank Aaron's record which he achieved but his ultimate motivation was to be called the greatest of all time.

Now all we will call him is the greatest cheater of all time.

What better way for someone so selfish to go out than by their own finger pulling the trigger.

Peace out...
Heitz

So this is what it's like...

I haven't felt like a working stiff in quite some time so this is kind of a fun change of pace! I've been working from 7:30am til past 6pm all week and really have a strong sense that I am WAY out of touch with what is happening outside my office.

I haven't read any papers (although I did hear about a guy running from the police around Miami that jumped a fence into a retention pond or something where he was promptly eaten by a 9 foot gator named Poncho. Of course, we can't have gators sitting there minding their own business eating car thieves when they jump into the water on top of them so the local authorities had to put Poncho down... I think this is a travesty... this guy probably would have walked on some assinine technicality... instead, Darwin was right and the fittest survived... only to get smacked on the head with a bullet... fukkin a...)...

I haven't watched the news (well, this one is kind of a cheat for me... I never watch the news. I hate the news. I mean, what does the news tell me? The weather? I can look outside and see the sun. Who cares about the rest. I have to wear a suit every day now so it doesn't matter if it's hot or cold, I gotta dress the same. Sports? I get that on the Internet... besides, no news down here talks about sport I give two hoots about... Politics??? Hmmm... anyone who has read my blog more than once knows which finger I thrust in the direction of those damn rotten scoundrels... So, I basically watch ESPN and the History channel. Kind of a waste to pay so much for cable and watch two channels... what a rip off...)

I haven't heard any juicy gossip (What do I need gossip about other people for when my world is always so fu*ked up??? Here ya go, try this one... any company that hires me has just signed its own death warrant. United and American Airlines? Can you say 9/11? First Chicago? Bought by Bank One and the stock plummeted... Bank One bought by Chase and the Stock Plummeted... Fremont Investment & Loan? The entire lending industry imploded... Seriously, I am definitely concerned about the future of Recruiting and Business development... but hey, send me a resume folks! ;-)

One good thing though is that I got Orlando out of my system... seriously, not much going on there. I did almost have to revert to my South Side days when some thug-wanna-be's tried to rip off the guitarist playing at the restaurant I ate at the other night. Not cool... I woulda messed up them Florida crackheads something fierce... ate a pile of sushi last night before driving home... word of caution folks... be careful how much sushi you ingest before hopping on the road for two hours. I felt like all I needed was to see a toilet and I'd explode.

Anyhoo... so I am sitting at my favorite Starbucks... having a fat cup o' joe and some marble loaf for dinner. Not a bad gig after all, huh?

Peace out...
Heitz

Road Trippin

OK, So I am in Orlando for a couple days... my MySpace profile has a new song... 'Found A Job' by the Talking Heads.. how fitting... I did find a J.O.B. Started today... so I drove to Orlando yesterday to start my lil' training. Downtown Orlando is a lot like dowton St. Charles, IL... Ain't shit there... well, I'll tell ya what... I did find a couple bars... one of which I spent too much time at last night...

Here is the unedited, uncensored stuff I wrote while drinking last night. Pardong the errors... I won't even spell check it...

I still haven't found a Starbucks around here... I heard of another... couldn't find it. I did find some good food though... and muchas hot chicas... OK... I digress... here is last night's text that I could not post because I did not know the hotel had free wi-fi... that's what I get for drinking so much...

Oh, by the way, I was so drunk I did not write about the cockroach I had race across in front of me on the bar at the Clubhouse Bar & restaurant... DO NOT GO THERE!!! It's on Pine & Something... the MOST cooked food ever... I never had a chicken wing cooked as much as these were... they were not good...

OK... here is last night's text... no more time wasting...

Cloe’s Lounge
Sittin’ in a place called Cloe’s Lounge… No Shit… It’s about 5 blocks from my hotel in Orlando.
OK… Another Florida observation… I’ve been here 4 years and I’ve already figured this out an stuffk but there really is no Urban environment here in Florida. I mean, I drove here from Tamp ato Orlando and there ain’t shizznit, Seriously… I was told there was a Starbucks a couple blocks from the hotel but it turned out to be about 8 blocks and it closed at 3pm on Sunday’s.
NOT GOOD!!!
I’m just throwing this out there… and by the way, I’ve been drinking since about 3pm… You need something… ANYTHING… in a downtown area for a city to be REAL… OK, now Orlando has some decent bars.
I’m sitting at Cloe’s Lounge listening to DJ Something.. ot other… OK, his name is Jonathatn… Nice guy… Got some good old skool tunes… started out with some old skool rap and rolling into some retro hip hop… sounds like some Woo Tang Clan coming up… the guy is good…
Other than that, I am really pissed… I mean, the Bears won but I got a raw deal on the Starbucks. I got no caffeine to consume… just alcohol. Not that alcohol is a bad thing… of course not… who the hell do I think I am?
Seriously,… I will contiunue this tomorrow when I can put together a coupke syllables…
Booyah…

OK... that's all I have to contribute to society tongiht... since I have a real job now I will have to write in the evenings...

Peace out...
Heitz

WARNING! THIS IS GROSS!!!

OK, so talking to a dear old friend last night alerted me to the fact that my blog yesterday was a load of disgusting stuff. Funny, but absolutely disgusting...

If I caused you to vomit, gag, shoot milk out of your nose, or any other action occurred similar to those as a result of yesterdays blog...

Well, all I can say is GET READY FOR MORE!!! It didn't take me long to realize that as gross as some of those things were they could not hold a candle to the most disgusting thing ever to happen to me.

And no, I am not talking about the Hungry, Hungry, Hippo I picked up while drunk in a bar one semester... There are two morals to this story so if you feel like skipping the juicy parts you can scroll all the way down to learn my lessons so you don't have to learn them for your-damn-self...

Here we go...

A couple years ago I came down with what felt like a bad head cold. I NEVER miss days at work typically for something as mundane as a cold but this had me laid up for two or three days. I went to the doctor and she said it looked like a sinus infection. I had those before so really didn't disagree with her except for one thing...

It felt like there was SOMETHING in my sinuses. A lump of some kind... also, when I blew my nose... well, the term "roadkill" comes to mind. And I am not talking about fresh roadkill. I am talking about the bloated kind that has been sitting on the side of the road in the blazing sun for a couple days... That was how the stuff coming out of my nose smelled! It was some of the most foul, repugnant shit I had ever smelled in my life, and it was coming out of my HEAD!!!

I went to the doctor again... "still not getting better doc, I gotta back to work" is basically how the convo went. She had tried me on a Z-Pack (ahhhhh, God bless the inventor of the Z-Pack.... my frikkin hero!) again, but really no effect.

I went back to work, still pretty feverish, feeling like I had a combo of the Flu, Asthma, and a bloody, runny, stinky ass nose.

I could feel the lump in my sinuses slowly working its way up to a point where I thought I might be able to get it out. Has anyone seen the movie "Total Recall" with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, I figured in a few days I should be able to do like they did in that movie and just yank out whatever the hell was up there...

So, after a few more days of blowing huge, obnoxiously bright green chunks of mucus out of my sinus cavity it finally shot out into the sink with a splat...

Now... before I go any further... let me just start by saying I LOVE Salsa. Not the dance... the food. I sometimes can just eat an entire jar of Salsa and a bag of chips for dinner. Love the stuff... can't get enough of it...

I figured what happened was this... I was eating some chips and salsa and ya know how sometimes you swallow funny and shit feels like it went down the wrong way? Well, that's basically what happened because laying in my bathroom sink was a mucus covered piece of Onion. Seriously, I had a piece of onion wedged in my sinuses for the better part of a month, obviously turning my sinuses rotten.

(By the way, I didn't know it was an onion right away... I was tempted to put it in a baggie and take it to the doctor and ask her "WHAT THE GODDAM HELL IS THIS?!?!?!" Instead, I picked it up with a spoon, took it to the kitchen and kinda performed a biopsy on it... it was clearly a chunk of onion shaped EXACTLY like the chopped pieces of onion in my favorite Tostito's brand salsa.)

After blowing the nasty chunk of rotten onion out of my nose, my sinuses IMMEDIATELY began clearing up. Within a couple hours I was a million times better.

So, the morals of this story folks???

1. Always get a second opinion. I knew my doctor was a quack when she told me I should stop drinking coffee and beer but I didn't really go outside of her office for a second opinion.

2. BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN EATING SALSA!!!

Trust me... you do NOT want roadkill in yer nose...

Not fun...

Peace out...

Heitz

Bad Ass Drug Dealers

OK, so this one made my skin crawl in fright... I am SOOO glad these guys didn't get a hold of me...

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/638471,CST-NWS-cookie07.article

The bottom line was this... my Alma Mater... well, not really... this is another campus in the St. Louis area... anyhoo... a trio of students go to buy some drugs. No big deal, right? Well, except that drugs are illegal and stuff.

So two of the guys grab the drugs and bust-a-move and take off with them. The dealers, two students at Southern Illinois University in the St. Louis suburb of Edwardsville, then proceed to beat and torture the remaining guy, who apparently wasn't so fleet of foot.

And their torture device of choice?

Piping hot chocolate chip cookies!!! Fresh baked out of the oven!!!

Allegedly the drug dealers used hot cookies right out of the oven to burn the man. Apparently they were all out of hot candle wax... not sure...

So, I was thinking a couple things here... first off, do drug dealers often bake cookies? I mean, is this some sort of Martha Stewart trend in college drug dealers apartments??? I knew a couple guys that dealt in college... I remember one got busted with a couple guns... no cookie pans though. So, maybe this is a kinder, gentler kinda drug dealer. Seriously, could you imagine stealing Tony Montana's drugs? shit, he shot the guy that his sister was in love with who was like a brother to him! What do you think he'd do to a drug stealing punk? They'd never find the body is what...

The second thing I was thinking is what else could they have found in their apartment to torture the guy with instead of ruining their supply of cookies? Now, I can only assume the cookies were being prepared for their "post smoke-out" routine. But who really knows? So, I went back in time (just in my mind) and came up with a short list of things I remember from my college dorm and frat house days that would suffice to torture someone mercilessly...

(just an FYI... these are things found in most dorm rooms... don't think less of me if these may have possibly been in my own dorm room...)

1. Dirty laundry
Sounds weak, but wait... THERE'S MORE!!! I had a nasty problem with ingrown toenails at one point. (I almost can't bring myself to write this, it's so damn nasty... can't believe I ever had a girlfriend in college... funky ass...) So my socks would end up soaked with blood and pus by the end of the day of walking the campus. Cram one of those into a guys mouth and I'm sure he'd wish he were dead.

2. Calculus/Philosophy/Accounting
Seriously, make someone read books on any of these subjects and their frikking head will explode. And no... I will not produce my college transcripts so you can all see how poorly I did in these courses (HI! This is Heitz's evil twin... He sucked at all three of those classes!!! That would totally be torture for him to have to relive those!!!)

3. Anything out of the Fridge
Now this one needs a little explanation... I left one summer to go back home to Chicago and apparently left a package of Kielbasa Sausage in my mini-fridge. Well, needless to say the refrigerator was unplugged all summer so you can imagine the sausage did not survive the hot, humid Carbondale summer. When I returned to Campus the following August, I opened the fridge door and immediately vomited. The sausage had turned into a mound of maggots, and there were maggots all over the inside of the fridge, inside the fridge door... basically maggots everywhere... It took all the intestinal fortitude I could muster to close the door, pick up the fridge and toss it out the window into the alley below. (That totally grossed me out just recounting that... YUCK!!!)

4. Used Condoms
Hmmm... just nasty... slap him in the face with a couple of these... I think one time my girlfriend and i lost a used condom in her roommates bed. I think it ended up on the bottom side of the pillow somehow... that was cool...

5. Salty Nuts
My roommate in college had a nasty habit of dropping odd bits and pieces of nuts on the floor... ya know, peanuts, cashews, walnuts... that kinda thing. Well, at one point we decided to actually clean our room in Steagall Hall. I think it might have been the only time all year. The pile of nuts we swept out from under his desk was absolutely disgusting... some were the wrong color, there was dirt mixed in, some hair and shit... just a funky ass pile of nuts.

(BONUS!!!) We took the pile of nuts and decided to have some fun... Our neighbors were four girls... 3 very attractive and one tank of a beast named (I think I made this name up... don't ask me...) Crystal Ball. Crystal would eat anything... she would sit out in the hallway and eat an entire container of peanut butter while reading a book. She was easily 6'3" and 300 lbs... she might have been on the football team, not sure... well, my roommate and I thought it would be funny to see if ol' Crystal Ball would truly eat ANYTHING... we tried to make the pile of nuts look as appetizing as possible... pulled some of the nastier bits of hair and dirt out... and put the rest in a bowl and set it out on a table in the hallway where she would definitely see it...

Our dorm rooms had windows that looked out on the hallway and we were both aspiring Marines so we hid in the dark, peeking out of the curtains to see what happened.

Let's just say... what I saw her do to that bowl of nuts made me vomit.

I think I had a weak stomach in college... seemed to vomit a lot.

So maybe next time some college drug dealers are dong a bit of torture, they might remember what I have written and get a bit creative. Hell, I think our guys down in Guantanamo Bay could use some of this info as well. Could you imagine Congress asking George W about feeding prisoners a bowl of salty nuts???

Peace Out
Heitz

Political Mombo-Jumbo

Well I am right screwed... I just got done playing the Candidate-Match-Game on USA Today's website:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

It appears that the best candidate for me is Mike Gravel!!!

OK... off the top of my head name three facts about Mike Gravel...

Uhhhh...

1. His name is Mike Gravel

2. uhhhh... He's running for President

3. Shit this is tough... I think he's from like Wyoming or something

Let's go back to the web and see how I did...

1. Yup... got that right, his name is definitely Mike Gravel (Not a bad name... used to be a linebacker at Notre Dame named Michael Stonebreaker... I bet those two would get along great)

2. He is definitely RUNNING for President. Hasn't got a chance in Hell, but he's running.

3. Turns out he's the guy from Alaska I was making fun of the other day.

Shit... I'm so screwed... I got half an Obama tattoo on my shoulder (Says Oba... or maybe it's a birthmark... who frikkin knows anymore?) so how do I turn that into Gravel? Let's see, Obama isn't even in my top 3!!!

Runner up goes to John McCain. Good lord... OK, now at least I can respect McCain for being a POW and all. But I wasn't planning on voting Republican this time around since I did last time. (My bad, yo...) ALTHOUGH, McCain IS something of a Maverick... Stephen Colbert points that out regularly... so maybe he ain't all bad.

OK... 3rd place goes to Mike Huckabee from Arkansas!!! Sounds like a brand name or something... Huckabee Honey! Huckabee Tuna...

Hmmm... I got some peeps in Arkansas, I should call them and see what they think of this guy. Oh shit, he's a Republican too...

Obama... tied with Dennis Kucinich (looks like an elf), Tom Tancredo (never heard of him...), Joe Biden (all I know is lots of people on TV make fun of him)...

Well, folks... it appears I am royally fu*ked in my political views. I guess part of me thought it would be cool to have a "brother" in the White House. I mean, hell if Fox can have an African American President in the hit series '24' and a female president in the other hit series 'Prison Break', why the hell can't we do that in real life?

Now I do not count Hillary as a woman... and she ain't black... she's still Bill's wife to me... even though she definitely wore the pants.

Not surprisingly, Ru Paul and Fred Thompson don't make the cut for me...

They should stick to movies.

Peace out...

Heitz

When Grandma Attacks!

This is just too funny... now granted, it was not MY grandmother so I can easily laugh about it. If my grandmother (RIP...) were tasered I'd probably be so upset I couldn't see the sense in it.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/636574,CST-NWS-mitch06.article

So, the Chicago cops went to check on 82 year-old Lillian Fletcher after a tip from the Department of Aging. When she refused to open the door, the cops barged in to find granny swinging a hammer at them.

So, they tasered her. ZAP!!!

And now some people are pissed off... I have two questions...

1. What else should they have done? The grand-daughter said they should have used their sticks, referring I believe to their batons or night sticks. Of course, that's a fantastic idea! Let's break granny's legs instead of tasering her. BRILLIANT!!! Don't our police officers carry taser guns to avoid using violence with their guns and batons? Correct me if I'm wrong there...

2. What the hell is the Department of Aging and why are they snitching on little old ladies??? What do they do, report old people to the police? "Hey, copper... there's this lil' ol' lady, see... why don't you guy snuff her out, see..." Like these poor bastards don't have enough to worry about what with their cholesterol, rheumatoid arthritis, replaced hips, and falling levels of cat litter in the box. Seriously, just back off Department of Aging... leave these old folks alone fer cryin' out loud!

Now the best part is the online survey of people asked whether they felt the woman should have been tasered. (Of course I said HELLS YES... ok, so that wasn't an option, but it's what I meant)

82% said YES as of 9am this morning. So, apparently everyone but the grand-daughter has Lillian's best interests in mind.

Hit her with a night stick... brilliant!

Sorry to report folks that my Dream Diary is not going well at all. I thought I would confuse my subconscious last night by staying up late, throwing down a midnight beer while fiddling around on the web, and only go to sleep as a last resort. I thought maybe my subconscious would be off it's guard so I could possibly remember a dream or two.

No dice...

Not only did I not remember any dreams (AGAIN!!! Grrrrrrr...) but I slept like shit... damn, how do those real rock stars do this shit? Maybe I need to graduate to the real party drug of choice...

SCOTCH!

OK, I'll try that one tonight. I guess being unemployed has it's uses. If I had to go to work I wouldn't be able to experiment with which alcoholic concoctions allow me to sleep but defuse my subconscious dream remembering block. :-) So a quick THANKS! to the mortgage industry for imploding this year and leaving me out on the streets to follow my dreams!!!

Rock on!!!

Later
Heitz

Answer me this

OK, so who came up with the saying "No News Is Good News"???

Seriously, this person should be shot.

Now, granted it probably came about when people were sitting around during WW I or WW II waiting to hear about their husbands and sons overseas, in which case no news meat that their son was alive (or so they hoped).

But I think in every day use, that saying is just bullshit.

Take my case for instance... I am waiting to find out about a job. Is no news good news in a case like that? I guess if I lived with mom and dad still and didn't have to worry about things like rent, food, gas... But in the big scheme of things that something where no news is definitely NOT good news.

How about if you were waiting for your HIV test to come back? You are probably pretty anxious, right? Is no news good news then? You'd rather get that news (good or bad) rather than sitting around NOT knowing, right?

So I stand by my statement that No News is not necessarily Good News. It should say, No BAD News is Possibly Good News. That makes much more sense... although, I guess if you are coming up with these quick hitters like that you might now take all those other things into account.

There really isn't much in the news today... Shia Lebeouf, star of the movies Transformers and Disturbia, was arrested at my old Walgreens on Michigan Avenue over the weekend. Apparently he spent the night drinking at the Underground night club. He was arrested only on a misdemeanor count because he wouldn't leave the store.

So, I'm just curious... is this his attempt to grab the headlines away from another former Disney star, Lindsay Lohan? If that's the case, he has MUCH work to do on his public displays of intoxication. I mean, come one! This is a misdemeanor! Until he starts racking up some felonies, I doubt anyone will take much notice of his behavior.

...

So, last week I started keeping a Dream Diary. I've been having some bizarro world kinda dreams with all the stress and anxiety lately. Guess what my subconscious does to me? I can't remember any dreams since like the 2nd day of this! Seriously, I wake up and literally cannot remember what I dreamt about. I wonder if this is my brains way of telling me to "BACK THE FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!"

I dunno... I was kinda thinking I would stumble across the next great American novel when I went back through my dream logs, but I have no idea why my brain is shutting me out like that. It's kinda like the girl you had a "friends with benefits" relationship going on with and then suddenly she just stops coming over... only later do you find out she found Jesus and got married into some cult. Only then can you get back on the right track.

So I'm wondering what trigger I need to get my dreams on paper... I'm guessing that whatever it is should be coming along soon... kinda like the phone call telling me I got the job... maybe I should have put on my resume that I love stopping at Starbucks on the way to work. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...

Peace Out
Heitz

So, who do we vote for now?

OK, now I know I couldn't vote for Stephen Colbert anyways since he was only planning on running in South Carolina but I would have gladly moved to... uhhh... (looking up South Carolina on Google Earth to find a good looking city...)... AHHHH!!! I would gladly move to Hilton Head or Myrtle Beach so that I COULD vote for him! Besides, I'm still unemployed so what better time to pick up and move somewhere new, right?


So, the Democratic Party in South Carolina rejected Stephen Colbert's application to be added to the ballot as a Presidential hopeful because he was planning on only running in South Carolina.


Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Colbert would get more votes just in South Carolina that either Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich or Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel will get in the entire country! But both of those guys are kept on the ticket and Colbert is out because he does not have "national viability".


Now my take on Kucinich is he looks like Ross Perot except without the good business models and graphs. Mike Gravel? Who the hell is that? Never heard of him. I guess maybe he should get my vote, then!


See, I usually approach the elections and look for the guy who has the least to do with being a politician. I distrust career politicians because they are in it for their lives. They don't know anything else but "the game". I think that is why a candidate like Colbert (or especially Obama) appeals to a guy like me because they are not "lifers". they have experience in other things and a fresh perspective on the world. Who better to speak on the issues between the East and West that someone that has lived in both places? (Obama!)


I'm thinking if we end up with another Clinton in the White House I might move to Haiti and start a Zombie Farm. I think that will be the next hot industry when we get into an intergalactic war.

In other news...

The first Chimpanzee that learned to sign language has died. Washoe was born in 1965, learned how to sign, and also taught three other chimps how to sign. Hmmm... Just had an idea to run one of these chimps for President but none of them are 35 years old. :( damn...

And no surprise here, since we are all going straight to Hell anyways... ANOTHER student-teacher relationship was discovered in Nebraska. Police are searching for 25 Year old Kelsey Peterson and a 13 year old student who are both missing and believed to be "involved".

I met a teacher the other day. Cute lil' thing... somehow we got on the subject of teacher-student relationships. Might have been cuz I was drinking and she was pretty hot... might have mentioned something about how ugly all my teachers were in school... I don't remember...

Anyways... so she says "any teacher that touches a student like that should be killed!"

OK, so those might not have been the exact words, but we were all drinking, my bad. But her disgust was obvious and I can't believe that other teachers don't think like this. I mean, when you are a 25 year old teacher and a 13 year old student is checking you out, what should be your first thought???

"Hmmmm... I AM pretty lonely... hell, he might be pretty good looking in like 7 years or something... ahhh, what the hell, I'll go pop that cherry!"

Seriously, folks... THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN! I think death would be too good for these folks... how about chemical castration and genital mutilation as their punishment. What 14 year old would want to hook up with someone whose genitals look like the aftermath from the movie Alien???

Think about it society! This shit is getting sick!

Peace out...
Heitz

Holy Frikkin Wow...

I remember being disgusted when I originally heard about this story a year or so ago...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/31/funeral.protest/index.html

These are some seriously fucked up people, is all I can say. Of course, there ain't much to do in Kansas I guess except worry about how "gay" the world is and everything bad that happens is God's punishment for gay behavior.

So, they picket funerals of military folks (gay or not) that were killed overseas, they picketed the funeral of Coretta Scott King, wife of Dr. Martin Luther King, and they think that shouting obscenities and waving signs is OK at a funeral and should be protected as free speech??? Why not picket the White House or Congress??? As far as we know the soldiers who died that they are picketing are straight as an arrow!

Here's a sampling of the signs they had at this funeral:

Thank God For Dead Soldiers
Thank God For IED's

And all along they are saying that the government is infringing on their rights to practice their religion.

Well, I think I just found God. Yeah, you see he's sitting inside me as a huge BM. So, I think that in order for me to practice my religion properly I need to drive to Topeka and drop this BM right in the middle of the altar at the Westboro Baptist Church. I really will go to Hell if I do not accomplish this task so therefore my rights as an American allowing me to practice the religion of my choice are protected.

And I think I'll use one of their signs as TP.

That oughta do it...

Seriously, these people are sick.

Lube Me Up!

Well, we have really gone off the deep end here at The Daily Heitz. I'm not going to name names, but I had an interesting conversation last night with an old friend from college that started me thinking...

What did the world use as a lubricant prior to the invention of KY???

Now, obviously alcohol SHOULD appear on the list as it is still the best way for ugly people to coax a person into bed with them. But, I'm going to leave it off. I want to know what they used once they got into bed with that person! Any idiot can give someone a phony name and then slip them a Mickey. That's called "RAPE" people.

So, let's say it's the early 19th Century, and me and the lady of the Manor are looking to spice things up a bit in the bedroom.

1. Elbow Grease
Now, I don't know what exactly constitutes "Elbow Grease", but I think it has something to do with WORK HARDER... or something. Now, please do not go to Wikipedia and look for an alternative to this. I just did and came up with something called "grindersparks". This does not sound good...

Grinder sparks are the debris caused by the rubbing of a piece of metal against a grinding wheel and is a combination of the two materials. The color of the spark denotes the hardness and composition of the metal.

Seriously, folks... unless we are talking about a stainless steel, chrome plated vibrator... or handcuffs... there should be no metal in bed with you! (Small exception for braces... if she's got a smokin' body!)

2. Lanolin
Damn I'm smart... so, you see... Shepherds have sex with the sheep, right? They notice that the wool gives off some kind of residue, which they learn how to extract... and VOILA! They have a bottle of Lanolin next to the bed for when the Missus gets back from the village!

So, I guess something good did come from all that Man-Sheep sex, huh?

3. Spit
OK... So I dated this Sorority girl in College. Not good... she had a funny smell about her. So, being a College dude, I really wanted... ya know... a blowjob. So, we're fooling around, and I asked her for one and she said no way! She stuck her hand in my face and it smelled like roadkill! She said "that is what cum smells like!!!"

Well, being a normal male, I had been touching myself for years and never smelled anything like that! Next time we got together to hook up (yes there was a next time...) I saw her spit in her hand to get things going. I was like... WHOA NELLIE! She never did have nice breath and I quickly put two and two together. Needless to say I became VERY busy and took on and extra class so I could avoid actually having to break up with the Mafia Don's daughter. She eventually got the hint, though...

Now, the moral of this story is, back in the 19th Century when pretty much everyone smelled bad, who the hell would notice that their hand smelled like roadkill???

4. Bacon Grease
Shit, this stuff is like universal for everything from Popcorn to Pancakes. I would say "lard" here except for the obvious fact that at some point someone realized they had some bacon bits down there and decided to toss a nice fresh salad. (think about it...)

Seriously, tell me, how could this not have happened???

5. Gherri Curl
OK, now this is much newer than the 19th Century, but I felt the need to throw one out there for my African American friends. How many bus seats did I slide off of while transitting around the city of Chicago in my youth and could never figure out what that slick substance was???

How many times must a Gherri Curl application led directly to the back room of the beauty salon for some hot, steamy, already lubed up sex??? I say LOADS!

I'd be shocked if this did not actually happen.

There you have it... after painstaking minutes of research, I have come up with the top 5 sexual lubricants prior to the introduction of silky smooth, variety flavored, KY and it's various knockoffs.

I hope this was both entertaining AND educational for everyone.

Peace Out
Heitz

What time is it?

Shit... I was all worried about being late for work this morning... and yesterday... oh yeah, I'm frikkin' unemployed. But, I have noticed it's dark as hell in the morning and it got me wondering when the hell that damn daylight savings time thing kicked in. I'm pretty sure I should get a handle on that BEFORE I get hired by someone and have to go back to work. It sure would look bad to be late on my first day, right?

So, I was talking about other cities that I'd like to live in with a friend of mine yesterday. She is originally from Berlin, Germany. We both pretty much came to the same conclusion; Tampa seems to be a temporary layover for many people that expect more from a city. There is a lot of new development going on in the downtown part of Tampa, high rise condos and stuff. The big question will be whether or not the commercial development follows along with it. There are loads of new places where I could buy a condo in downtown Tampa, but not a single Starbucks, bookstore, or little cafe within walking distance.

Kinda depressing really. I think if I do decide to get out of here some day (other than being flat out destitute from cashing those unemployment checks) that would be the reason. it's just NOT a real city. It's a big suburb.

So I put together a short list of 5 cities I'd like to live in (not including Chicago since I spent most of my life there). Kinda fun thinking about this as I have only been to a couple of these places.

1. New York City (for all the same reasons I would move back to Chicago)
2. LA (Hollywood to be exact. Love the hills, and maybe then I could get discovered or something)
3. Munich, Germany (One word... OKTOBERFEST!!!)
4. Tokyo (Shit yeah, Asian school girl outfits are considered Busines casual for the Japanes 20-somethings)
5. Tossup between Lisbon, Barcelona, Florence (love the weather and culture of those places)

Just missing the list I guess would be Boston, London, Vienna, Prague, and Hong Kong.

Shit, I may as well just go win the Lotto this week and then I can spend 5 years living in each place, right? How frikkin cool would that be??? "Shit, sorry, my 5 years is up, time to go live somewhere else. Later..."

Anyways, it was a depressing news morning... more articles about child porn being protected by the 1st Amendment, dead sorority girls in a big fire, Tropical Storm Noel on the way to the Bahamas. I'd rather sit here and daydream about what I would do if I was rich.

BOOYAH!!!

Heitz

IS Dumbledore GAY?

According to the NY Times, the answer to this question (regardless of what JK Rowling says) depends on your definition of the words "IS" and "GAY".

Hmm... are we thinking too much into this? I mean, "IS" is just the verb "To Be", right? So, "Be Dumbledore Gay"???

Here is the definition of "Gay" from Dictionary.com:


1.having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.
2.bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.
3.given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.
4.licentious; dissipated; wanton: The baron is a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies.
5.homosexual.
6.of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues: a gay organization. –noun
7.a homosexual person, esp. a male. –adverb
8.in a gay manner.

Hmm... Now we can only assume that Rowling means that Dumbledore is a Homosexual since that is the common meaning these days of the term "Gay". BUT, you have four definitions ahead of anything to do with homosexuality! Look at #4... "a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies"!!!

This reminds me of a philosophical dilemma we discussed years ago... OK, so it was in the mid-90's... not THAT long ago. In the interest of protecting the innocent (or guilty) we'll call our characters Ozzie and Paul (or maybe we won't). Now we we all convinced Paul was gay (homosexual). I had plenty of gay (homosexual) friends at the time and felt I could spot one a mile away. Ozzie was a consummate ladies man.... here's the conversation as I recall it between Ozzie and myself:

Ozzie: (between bites of his Wendy's double bacon cheeseburger) If Paul sucked my d*ck, would that make me gay?
ME: (after Diet Coke shot out my nose) Hell yeah... get away from me homo!!!

OK, so I'm not sure what that was supposed to prove, but I think that is JK Rowling says some fictional character she created is gay, then I guess we should listen to her and just accept that and not worry about whether he and Grindewald did the nasty in the forest somewhere.

Does it matter to the rest of the world whether a fictional character is gay? i mean, we ALL knew Bert & Ernie were a gay couple, right? Do kids still watch Sesame Street? Yer damn right they do. So does it matter that Tinky Winky is gay (or Bi or whatever that thing is)? How many times a day is the teletubbies on? Apparently it doesn't matter to anyone.

I guess the BIG point is that gay people (homosexuals... happy or not) can be more than just gay, and more than just our hairdressers/interior designers/musicians, etc... They can save the world from evil, serve my breakfast at the local diner, and maybe even be partially responsible for raising America's youth (how many hours a day of Teletubbies and Sesame Street does it take to turn your kid gay???).

So, I'm totally OVER the fact that Dumbledore is gay. I wasn't attracted to him, which I guess just confirms my heterosexuality, I think. Sweet...

And speaking of Heterosexuals in trouble...

Father disputes son's $53,000 strip club bill

Apparently, after his graduation from Georgia Tech earlier this year, Tommy Salter spent nearly $53,000 at a strip club in the Florida Panhandle. According to his father, Tommy told the strip club owner he couldn't spend more than $600, at which point dad says the strip club charged him for everything under the sun.

Now according to the strip club owner, Tommy bought 19 bottles of champagne, and finished off the night by dancing with the club manager!

American Express agrees with the strip club and refused to reverse the charges. I hope Tommy at least got crabs or something for his trouble. I mean, isn't there a story about a Cambodian whorehouse here somewhere???

Peace out...
Heitz

Colbert Right on the Money

Well, I think this Stephen Colbert from Comedy Central may be onto something here. I've been reading his book 'I Am America (And So Can You!)' and just finished the chapter on religion. There was a reference to a 'Religion Randomizer' on his website:

http://www.colbertnation.com/

I said, what the heck? I was baptised Presbyterian (which is one step away from a Methodist I guess, except we learned 'trespasses' in the Lord's Prayer instead of 'debts'... I think... ain't prayed in a while...) but other than weddings and baptisms I couldn't tell you the last time I went to church.

Oh wait... sure I can... I was in college dating a bible banger. Yeah, I know... Her name was Heidi. Can you imagine if we were married? Shit, not only would I be going to church every week, but her name would be Heidi Heitz. Jesus, just slap a Swastika on my shoulder now and point me to Berlin.

Anyways, that didn't last long... dumped me for an Air Force ROTC guy that looked exactly like me. Except in uniform. Go figure.

So, I went to the website to get my new Religion. I figured, what the hell? Why not see what it gives me. The result?

Baha'ism!!!

Honestly? I had to look it up on Wikipedia. I had no frikkin clue what it was. BUT, the good news is, it sounds kinda cool! Muslims hate it, as to Christians apparently as the followers are persecuted everywhere. It preaches the Unity of Mankind, Unity of God, and Gender Equality. Hmmm... sounds pretty damn fair to me. I've long felt that God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and all the other 'Gods' out there were all one in the same, so this religion actually makes sense to me. I don't know what this symbol is, but it represents something important so I thought I'd put it right about here...

Notable followers of Baha'ism?

Dizzy Gillespie

OK... so that was the only one I could find that I ever heard of, but still! It's WAY cooler than Scientology! AND, I get to wear a cool hat, I think. All the pictures I see have cool multi-colored hats. I just hope I can get away with putting a Chicago Bears logo on there somewhere to show my TRUE religious allegiance.

Also, there's something about a 19-Day Feast that sounds promising... it's like Thanksgiving on HGH. AND, I get an ID card...

I'm frikkin SOLD! Uhhh... Shit... It looks like there are only three Baha'i places in the US as far as I can tell. Two in Chicago and one in DC. OK, so that will just mean I'm on my own... pretty much how I feel anyways, right?

And BONUS!!! There are three obligatory prayers that must be said each day... BUT, an exemption can be made for those of ill health. I guess I need to send them the MRI photos of my L4-L5-S1 lumbar injuries so they can forward that to God so I don't burn in Hell for not praying three times per day.

SWEET!!!

Anyways... thank you Stephen Colbert for showing me the true path. Even though you are Catholic, since I now believe in the Unity of God & Mankind, it's almost exactly like we are all Catholic... or Baha'i... or whatever... all at the same time!

Peace out

Heitz

I'm totally flippin' losin' it, ya'all

What a rough couple nights. I figure it's time to write this shit down since I came across an article in the New York times about nightmares and "why we dream".

Being unemployed for the time being, I obviously have plenty of time to 'think'. Just like Aretha told me to. Of course, all that anxiety has been manifesting itself into some strange dreams.

Like the one where I am living in the back of my Mitsubishi Montero. Of course, forget the fact that being unemployed and homeless SHOULD indicate that I cannot make the payment on said vehicle. Once my subconscious figures that out I'll be living in a tent I guess.

So, the article in the NY Times made me think a little... only a little, it's early and I am only on my first cup of coffee.

It's time to start keeping a Dream Diary. Not for any kind of therapeutic reasons... although maybe it will help the anxiety while I hunt for a J.O.B. But, since my ultimate dream in life is to be a best-selling author (and occasional sex slave to some beautiful woman) I figure it's time to see what my mind id doing while I am asleep. I don't remember all my dreams, as I'm sure most of us do not. BUT, the ones I remember I will attempt to document.

Who knows? My first best selling novel could be in there somewhere and I wouldn't know it if I don't write it down!!!

OK... so the other item on my agenda is this new "SmartCar" that is getting some press lately here in the Tampa area. Apparently, Mercedes is getting ready to release a tiny car that gets upwards of 40 MPG. Diesel and Electric versions will probably be available in a year or two as well.

Now, I'm 6'2" with a bad back. Take a look at this thing. I highly doubt a guy my size with a bad back is going to have much fun getting in and out of this thing. On top of that, how do you survive a crash with an SUV or Tractor Trailer rig? Or hell, even a Toyota Camry would wipe this thing out!

This kind of car would be perfect in New York City, Chicago (if you live & Work in the city), or maybe like Seattle where everything is Green anyways. Or on a college campus. I guess I could see this in some of the beach communities like Siesta Key or St. Pete Beach, but travelling on the highways here in Florida is risky business. It can allegedly go up top 95 MPH so make sure you stay in the right hand lane folks.

And where the hell would I put my golf clubs???

Seriously... this is a great idea for some folks. But any Soccer Mom will tell you that 4 kids and all their 'stuff' will not fit in this thing.

Oh yeah... the base model runs $12K and does not include any radio or A/C. I hope you like listening to the pelicans splash into the bay to get lunch cuz that's all the music you'll get.

Peace out...

Heitz

p.s. Everyone wish me luck on this job thing. I am frikkin' stressed yo!!!

We are SOOO Advanced!!!

I didn't realize how far ahead of the bell curve we are here in America until I saw this headline:

Chinese rocket blasts off to moon

China has FINALLY sent a rocket to the moon. It's 2007, almost 2008, right? And China, our BIG, BAD enemy in the East has FINALLY sent an unmanned spacecraft to the moon???

THE MOON FER CRISSAKES!!!

Didn't we get to the Moon in like the 60's or something? I mean, unless that WAS really all staged in Hollywood as some conspiracy theorists think. So, is China really 40 years behind us? Or are they just so advanced that going to the Moon is no big whup to them? I mean we've had probes going to Mars and shit already and they are just now getting to the Moon!

So much for a Space Race, huh? I mean it's like if me and a buddy were going to Miami from Chicago except I took a plane and he walked. I'd be on the beach in a couple hours. He'd be dead on the side of the road in a week or so somewhere shy of the Kentucky border.

And this just in... India is planning on joining the rest of humanity on the Moon sometime in the next few years. I think by then the US might be about ready to populate the Crab Nebula if we play our cards right.

Now, I'm not sure that the whole Space Race thing is even necessary. Seriously, there ARE other civilizations out there somewhere. I'm convinced of that. Chances are they will find us before we find them. So, with that in mind why don't we finish checking out our own planet? Hell, there are things at the bottoms of our oceans that we cannot even imagine! We can put a probe on Mars but we can't build a submarine that can withstand the pressure at the deepest parts of our oceans? Bitch PLEASE!!!

Get NASA working on that fer cryin' out loud!!!

And of course being so "advanced" means everyone hates us. Hmmm... or maybe it's just our notion that we are so advanced that they hate. Whatever, who cares... But, apparently the Terror Watch List is growing at an alarming rate:

Terror watch list swells to more than 755,000 names

USA Today is reporting that there are more than 750,000 names on the terror Watch List!!! HOLY SHNIKIES!!! Now, I'm already on record with a plan to deal with Mid-East violence (just see my previous posts about my border wall ideas)...

But how the hell do we keep that many people out of our country??? Shit, that's like keeping the population of San Francisco out of our country! It's clearly an impossible task when you look at it like that.

So unfortunately I must go back to my border wall in the Middle East plan:

http://thedailyheitz.blogspot.com/2007/09/more-common-sense.html

I'm dead certain that if we built this wall, we would solve so many problems for the whole planet that I can't believe no one else is thinking about this! OK, so we would have to work on alternative energy sources, but hell, we should be doing that anyways!

Is it inhumane? Answer me this... which is worse; putting a wall around the Middle East OR Watching in horror as three car bombs per day go off killing hundreds of people? Since the latter is what is going on over there, why the Hell is the "humane" question even brought up? Is it humane to strap 10 pounds of C4 to your chest and blow up a busload of schoolkids? Of course not...

Of course, I have it easy... no one gives a shit what I think so I can afford to have no conscience about what I propose.

Ahhh... it's so easy being me. :-)

Peace out...
Heitz

Happy to Be Human

So, I gotta give props to my older brother for giving me some food for thought this morning... sent me this little message:

I'm glad I'm not a fly. Could you imagine it? You would be flying around until you found a pile of shit and then you would think to yourself " Hot damn!!! It's time to fucking eat!!!!"

Got me thinking... It could be WAY worse than being a human being on this planet, couldn't it. I mean shit, here I am unemployed for basically like the fourth or fifth time in a decade. I should be extremely stressed out, but instead I am just glad I'm not eating a pile of shit.

So here's a short list of five things that would be WAY worse to be than a human:

1. Elephant
Not only are you a gigantic fat ass, crazy guys with guns and spears want to kill you for your tusks. Also, we all saw that video of the elephant sticking his trunk up another elephants ass and eating a pile of shit. I'm pretty sure any creature that eats a pile of shit is something I don't want to be.

2. Chicken
They're dumb as shit and basically only exist so I can eat hot wings on Sunday while watching beer. What other purpose do they serve??? (This also goes for Tuna, the Chicken of the Sea)

3. Cockroach
Seriously, other than giving everyone the heebie-jeebies, what the hell do these things do? Shit, I had to clean out my outdoor storage closet yesterday, saw one cockroach and had my skin crawling for like an hour. I think I need to burn everything in there.

4. Goldfish
What can be worse than this... imprisoned in a small bowl your whole life and when you die, you get unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. What more useless existence is there than being overfed by a 7 year old and then tossed down the drain with a turd? (also covers Canary)

5. Vulture
Actually, this category pretty much goes for any kind of scavenger. Watch Animal Planet and you see all the vultures digging in some rotting carcass. That's just frikkin nasty.

I had a couple others I was considering...

Pigeon... but then I realized it might be cool to fly over a city and shit on people.
And my top inanimate object... toilet paper. Strictly created to wipe my ass. That's just wrong.

So, I guess it could be way worse than being an aspiring writer, unemployed salesperson, failed athlete... I could be homeless in a cold ass city somewhere. Instead, I might just end up homeless in Sunny Florida! Not a bad gig at all!

Peace out...
Heitz

White Trash & More!

OK, before I get to my favorite headline of the day I need to take care of a couple items.

I had a short list of 3 things to do last week... well, I only accomplished ONE of them. I SUCK! Go ahead and say it... I didn't see any alligators, did not jump in the ocean... BUT I did go to the Salvador Dali museum in St. Pete.

Pretty cool place, but it's not in the best area for like an all day love affair with art. There's basically some kinda little waterfront cafe next door that did not look real appealing, there's a marina (members only), and there is the campus for USF St. Pete across the marina. So, basically, it kinda reminds me of Brookfield Zoo in Chicago where it's just the Zoo and nothing else.

Regardless, I spent a good two hours wandering through the exhibit. Pretty cool stuff really, they swap exhibits with the Dali Museum in Spain and also other institutes around the globe so they always have a mixture of work. Right now, they have his very first work done when he was 6 years old, a landscape done on a postcard sized sheet; they finish up with his final work done in 1983 that looks very little like the work he is best known for but still has the signature Dali head scratching involved.

The thing that amazes me about Dali (or any great artist such as Beethoven giving his first public concert at the age of 7) is how early in life they were showing the greatness that would carry them throughout their careers. I mean, seriously, who can tell me what they were doing at the age of six? Here's 5 things I was doing at the age of 6:

1. 1st Grade - don't remember it

2. Mom still dressing me

3. Learned how to tie my own shoes (Flippin' sweet!)

4. Learned how to spell my name (has definitely come in handy over the years)

5. Still eating boogers

That's about all I can think of and I really had to think hard about it. Friggin' Dali did a landscape that you can tell is a landscape! I'm 37 years old and still can't draw a stick figure whose legs come out the same length or whose head looks like a head. WTF!?!?!?

So, I am turning over a new leaf... unless someone tells me otherwise, from this day forward I am resigned to be mediocre! Not that mediocre is a huge problem these days... I mean the 53rd guy on an NFL roster still makes a quarter million per year, right? I could be a mediocre writer and still feed myself, for proof of that just look at all those "romantic" novels that sell millions of copies!

Alright... moving on with my new mediocre mindset! Ahhhh... almost relieved to be able to give up the mantle of greatness for a change.

One last item before my favorite headline of the day... How 'bout them Chicago Bears!? After 58 minutes of futility, they broke out with a 97 Yard touchdown drive with less than 2 minutes left on the clock and NO timeouts! Shit, I couldn't have pulled that off on my Xbox, so needless to say when I ran a lap around Bar Louie high-5'ing anyone that would make eye contact I was almost surprised when I wasn't escorted out. :-) Fortunately for me, I am much loved at Bar Louie so I think they can allow for some crazy behavior from time to time.

I think the main issue I face this season is going to be the constant cardiac arrests I am experiencing. Not a game goes by that I don't need the paddles pulled out and some shock treatment for the ol' ticker. We are a long way removed from September 2006 when the Bears were knocking teams around and outscoring people by three scores or more. I guess I should go get me some cardio to hopefully survive through the season.

Wish me luck...

And now... my FAVORITE headline of the day...

Waffle House brawl lands Kid Rock in jail

Now, I've long said that Kid Rock (or insert Axl Rose/Eminem) is a pussy and wouldn't last 2 minutes with me in a dark alley. I LOVE the fact that Mr. Rock had his "entourage" to back him up. We can only guess what would happen if he stood toe to toe with someone. Of course, weighing in at a scant 87 pounds, it's hard to imagine he could swing that blade of grass hard enough to make someone feel it.

But the best part is WHERE this brawl took place. I mean, what is more white trash than a Waffle House at 5am? Seriously??? I'm frikin unemployed and I don't go there! This guy is worth millions and he can't do better than a Waffle House? You know what they say...

You can take the Cracker out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the Cracker.

Peace out

Heitz

The Mind of a Suicide Bomber

Seriously, I am curious... What exactly goes through the mind of a suicide bomber as they are carrying out their "holy" task? Last night, a suicide bomber killed 136 people and injured almost 400 others when they blew themselves up near the motorcade of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. I may have to adjust my plan for a wall around the Middle East to include much more of that area.

So I just cannot fathom really wanting to do something like this though. I guess that's the problem between Islamic Extremists and the rest of the world... well, of course assuming the killer was an Islamic Extremist. I'm sure a video tape will be delivered to Al-Jazeera shortly with this bomber talking about himself being a martyr and wiping the face of the she-devil Bhutto off the planet.

Well, mission accomplished... NOT! The bomber could not get close enough to the motorcade so they just blew themselves up in the middle of a crowd of random people. Imagine if you would an American Bomber crew on their way to drop 20 tons of bombs on Adolf Hitler's bunker...

"Shit, John... we're running out of gas AND there's too much anti aircraft fire!"
"What should we do Captain???"
"Hmmmm... looks like a school and a church down there... let's just hit that instead. Fuck it!"
"Roger that!!!"

Now we all have heard stories of American GI's in Vietnam killing villages filled with women and children, but after getting shot at by countless women and children I'm sure they were a little trigger happy. I really don't know what else to compare this suicide bombing epidemic to. I mean, if you cannot reach your target, is it REALLY acceptable to blow up anyone that just happens to be around you? Does that make you a Martyr? Are 72 Virgins taking care of this young man (or woman... we don't know for sure yet) as we speak?

If life were so Black & White that blowing up things was a viable option to solve the worlds problems, we'd probably only have a world population of about 1 Billion instead of 6 Billion as there's be way too many people getting blown up to spend time having kids.

Ah well... whatever...

So then I notice another story this morning about a former Nobel Prize winner being a racist. Go figure... he won part of the Nobel Prize in 1962 for helping discover DNA. And he said US Policy assumes that the African continent contains people with equal intelligence to our own even though testing and evidence shows they are not.

WHOA! Hold on there!!! This is one of the guys that helped discover the double helix and he's saying blacks are not as smart as whites!

Uhhh... No???

'To all those who have drawn the inference from my words that Africa, as a continent, is somehow genetically inferior, I can only apologize unreservedly. That is not what I meant. More importantly from my point of view, there is no scientific basis for such a belief'

Hmmmm.... OK, now yer just backtracking, sir! Why is it, whenever someone lodges their foot in their mouth so far that they can tell you what a kneecap tastes like, they ALWAYS claim their words were either misinterpreted or taken out of context.

Here ya go...

I LOVE BOOBS!!!

Oh shit... No, I didn't mean that, I meant I appreciate boobs and hold no affection for them although I know they are a very important part to world civilization. I mean, without boobs, what would we watch on the boob tube???

Whew... that was close! I was almost misinterpreted into saying that I love beautiful, succulent breasts... good thing I was able to talk my way out of that one!

Solution? Hmmmm... Maybe we can get one of those suicide bomber groups to just target stupid people. I mean, I'm sure they would not have any problems killing their own family and friends, but we should probably check with them just to be sure.

Now, I didn't mean that suicide bombers are stupid!!! Ahhh hell... I give up...

Finally this morning... I felt like I was watching my Chicago Bears last night as the USF Bulls took on the Rutgers Scarlet Knights in Piscataway, NJ. USF, as you may know from my previous blogs was ranked #2 in the country. Well, that ride is over sister. A young man by the name of Ray Rice ran up and down the field on them and even though they were able to come up with big plays on special teams (just like the Bears do every Sunday) they came up just short at the end when their offense seemingly just could not figure ANYTHING out.

I guess it's good to know that teams at every level have the kinds of mental implosions that my Bears go through every Sunday. It was a frustrating game to watch, rooting for USF. #22, whoever he is, probably had to hitch-hike home to Florida. He had two HUGE penalties that were just about asinine.

Still, it was a fun ride to this point of the season. They will still be in contention for the Big East title and as long as they get back to winning can count on a decent bowl game this year.

Like I needed another excuse to drink.

Shit...

Peace out...
Heitz

I am Not MIA or even Dead

Wow... been a hectic week over here. Strange that I feel like I have been that busy since I am technically unemployed. Go figure...

Of course, jut because I don't have an income right now doesn't mean I ain't busy, right? I mean, I've been to two more interviews this week, worked on two friends computer issues, wrote another chapter in my novel, sold a shitload of stuff on eBay... see, I been BUSY!

But this morning, something weird happened. I had kinda like an acid trip flash-back to my college days. For some reason, the thought popped in my head that no one ever taught me how to clip my toenails. I just kinda "winged it" I guess. Of course, that led to a massive battle with ingrown toenails (no pictures included... they are gross...) that I had to actually have surgery on!

So, here's a note to all you parents out there... make sure your kids are doing it right! Clip straight across. Don't round it off. Learn from someone who already made those mistakes.

So, today is the big day! No, I won't find out if I got this job yet. That comes Monday I hope. I am getting off my lily white behind and heading to the Salvador Dali museum this afternoon! I have an appointment with a couple cups of coffee at Starbucks and hopefully another completed chapter, but then I am wide open this afternoon to go be ARTSY!!! WOO HOO!!! It's only $15 to get in, so I figure I'll spend the afternoon there and just chill, kinda like the good ol' days at Upshot Marketing in Chicago when I could just walk to the Art Institute and get lost amongst 3,000 year old items. Crazy!

So, that is the plan for this afternoon... oh yeah, and I think I will take along my copy of Stephen Colbert's book and become a little more Americanized. So far, he's got some good points. Of course, I have only read the introduction so I am not sure how much sense you can make in a 2 page intro.

Peace out
Heitz

The Sky Has Fallen

I am not a quitter, so this is tough... trying to figure out when to throw in the towel on the season for the Chicago Bears. :( Another horrendous loss yesterday that had my heart stopped at about 3 different points. I will definitely have my first heart attack before the age of 38 the way things are going this season.

On top of that... my Salukis lost. Ugh... shit rolls downhill don't it? But, at least my new local teams, the USF Bulls and the Tampa Bay Bucs both won. The Bulls are ranked #2 in the country!!! YIKES!!!

So, this week I am planning on getting my mind set for the rest of the season for the Bears. I am usually so pumped up for Bears games that when the game is such a roller coaster as it was yesterday, I almost feel like I need to sleep for a week to recover. Heck, I only had 4 bears all day yesterday and I feel like I drank a full keg.

With all that in mind... I think this is the week to do some things I have NOT gotten around to since moving here. First thing on the agenda, head over to St. Pete and go to the Salvador Dali museum. Hmmmm... should be able to do that tomorrow. Second, go see some damn alligators. I've seen only two alligators in my four years here. WTF??? And finally, I should probably go hit the beach and jump in the ocean. Alright, it's crazy to admit but I have not yet jumped in the Gulf of Mexico. Can't really explain why. Just never got around to it. It's kinda like living in Chicago most of my life and I never set foot in the Sears Tower. Isn't that like the first destination for tourists?

So, there's my plan for the week. Dali, Gators, and Water. Maybe I can get bit by a shark when I jump in the gulf!!! WOO HOO!!!

The only other thing I have to report on this sleepy Monday morning is twofold... First, I still have not finished that 7th grade reading... For whatever reason, I did not even pick it up over the weekend. How the hell am I supposed to write a book report if I can't finish the damn book? I think the problem is, I've already seen a bunch of references to masturbation, plenty of swearing, and a bit of violence so I cannot really justify finishing it. I can see what the parents are concerned with, even if I disagree with them. Well, I'll certainly finish it this week. I really have nothing else to do, so why not.

The other thing is that the novel I am working on is rolling right along. I have an appointment with Starbucks this morning to knock out another two chapters I hope. I feel like I am about halfway through this first book, but only a fraction of a way through the story as it is unfolding in my mind. This first deal should come out as a trilogy I think, so hopefully when I finish book 1, I will be able to get an agent that thinks we can get it published.

Fingers crossed as I type that last sentence!

Alright, time to get to work...

Peace out!
Heitz

Friday Morning

Have you ever watched a cow? I mean, have you ever just sat there and watched a cow do it's 'thing'? I spent one summer in college working on a farm camp, teaching small children how to groom and ride horses. We had two cows, three pigs, and some other assorted farm animals around including a donkey (mule, donkey, who friggin' knows).

The thing about cows is, I always felt like they were sizing me up. For what, I don't know. Pigs are easy, they want to eat. Nothing nastier than dumping 100 pounds of yesterday's food into their pen and having them nearly take your arm off in the process. The donkey, well, just stay clear of the hind legs and the teeth and you might be OK.

But the cows? They seemed docile. But all they do is stand there and chew. They might not even have anything in their mouth and they're still chewing. But the most disturbing part is how they WATCH you while they are chewing. Almost like they KNOW how many Porterhouse steaks I've had, or how many burgers I've tossed on the grill this summer. I got the impression that if the tables were turned, they'd grill the shit out of me, toss a nice side salad, put my grilled carcass on a sesame seed bun, top it off with some Worcestershire sauce and lettuce and a pickle, and go to town.

So, I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, cows are a little smarter than we give them credit for. Maybe they are just luring us into a trap with all their juicy ribeye's, succulent T-Bones, and hamburger patties. And when the time is right...

WHAMMO!!!

That's when they strike and take over the world. Now, I know what the nay-sayers are thinking.

"But they don't have opposable thumbs!!!"

Have we ever taken a census to find out how many cockroaches there are on the planet? I'm guessing at least a thousand times as many as there are people. And if there was a nuclear holocaust, the cockroaches would rule the world. So, don't tell me opposable thumbs are THAT important.

Cuz I ain't buying it...

Sorry for rambling... got a big interview today so my brain is on overdrive.

Peace out...

Holla...

And all that...

Heitz

YIKES!

Alright, I know I'm done for... I haven't written a scribble in like 3 days or something. But, in my defense, it's been a crazy 10 days. I was laid off for the second time in 8 months last week, spent the weekend watching football, playing golf, and trying to NOT be too stressed about having ZERO income, and also trying to stay as chipper as possible since I saw that layoff coming and have already been interviewing for a new gig.

On top of all that, I have made some progress on the novel, decided it's time to learn to play guitar (at age 37 fer crying out loud!), and am playing some of the best golf in recent memory... or at least since I blew out three discs in my lower back.

So BACK OFF MAN!!!

:)

Alright, I saw some crazy stuff... first off, I found a book that tied in with the Chocolate War that I have been reading. I seriously think I am below a 7th grade reading level since I should have had that book finished in like three BM's (bowel movements). I'm probably 2/3rds done with it and I just wonder how long those poor 7th graders have to read it.

Well, i was in Barnes and Noble and spotted a book on the clearance rack called "The Secret Society Handbook". It's got all kinds of info on a bunch of different secret societies. I figured, if nothing else it might be fun to read. Or maybe, I can come up with some ideas for creating a Secret Society of my very own! How cool would that be? I could call it something obscure like the Cinammon Kids... or maybe something violent like Swords & Blood... or maybe something whimsical like Who Farted?

The possibilities are endless... I'm so frikkin' excited!!!

The other funny thing I saw this morning was in one of the local papers. Everyone has seen commercials for those DVD's where college COED's show their boobs called "Girls Gone Wild". Well, a couple aspiring film makers in Clearwater, FL have come up with a video called "Da Hood Gone Wild". Now, I'm no expert on Clearwater, FL but when I think of that place I think of beaches and golf courses. But apparently there is a ghetto section of Clearwater that is the filming ground for this DVD that contains over two years of Hood activity. I guess sunshine and palm trees really doesn't do much to stem the flow of black-on-black violence, but it is definitely hard to find it when you are just driving around.

I was driving to lunch one day and took a wrong turn, my buddy Gregg reaches over to lock the doors. "This is a shitty neighborhood," he said. I looked around and realized it looked just like my neighborhood. How the hell can you tell it's shitty? At least in Chicago you know that East of Halsted on the South Side is not a place you really want to spend a lot of time in. But Tampa is not so clear cut.

I guess that just gives me more reason to make sure I stay on my toes.

Alright... time to get to work. I have an interview tomorrow so I gotta make sure the vocal chords are in pristine condition. Hopefully by next week I will be gainfully employed again. I don't know how long I can pass myself off as a poor novelist.

Wish me luck!
Peace out!
Heitz

Too much Joe

So, back when I was working my first job out of college selling tires and brakes, I probably drank 1-2 pots of coffee per day. That's right, multiple pots of coffee per work day. I was an assistant store manager, and was probably putting in around 75 hours per week, loads o' fun!

Well, I developed a twitch in my left eye from all the caffeine and basically had to cut back on hours and caffeine to get rid of it. I am happy to report, I HAVE MY TWITCH BACK!!!

I had no idea I was drinking so much coffee until the other day my left eye started buggin' out. I was like, WHOA! Not this again. So, I am not making my pot of coffee this morning, instead I will head to Starbucks later and get back into that. Kinda crazy, but basically two weeks of drinking a pot of coffee per day gets that twitch going full force. Apparently I can handle one cup, maybe two, but an entire pot per day... bad news.

So, I found that out this weekend along with a couple other things.

Probably the most ridiculous thing I saw this weekend was a pen. That's right, an ink pen. Some folks think that it's important to have a good pen. I was at the mall picking up some dress shirts, and there was a Mont Blanc store there so I decided to pop in. I had been there before because a buddy of mine has a Mont Blanc and pays $12 for ink refills.

So, I'm browsing around purposely pissing off the waitstaff. What do you call these guys? they sell pens, fer chrissakes! Well, they had a pen that was $10,500!!! No lie... platinum body encrusted in diamonds. So I started thinking about the type of person that would buy this damn thing.

Sure, Bill Gates could afford a case of them, but he seems kinda frumpy so I'm sure he just uses a Papermate. I could totally see Donald Trump or George Steinbrenner with one, those guys have some serious egos.

But about the only thing I could come up with that would even warrant a $10,500 pen would be like if it was being used to sign a peace treaty ending World War III or like the first trade agreement with an intergalactic civilization. then we could put it straight in the Smithsonian and be done with it.

I think my problem would be that I tend to chew on the ends of pens. Not like some folks that chew them up like a dog would, but I do chew a bit. I could totally imagine chewing on the end of that thing and ending up with some diamonds stuck in my teeth or something. Nothing like buying a pen and inadvertently ending up with a grill.

So, moving on to other news...

Salukis won their Homecoming game! Cubs got swept as I predicted! Bears finally win!!! Buccaneers lost!

It was a mixed bag of sports over the weekend. I was reminded by my old sales manager that I actually predicted the Cubs playoff sweep last winter. When Lou Pinella was brought in by the Cubs, Paul and I had a talk about it. He thought the Cubs were a lock for the World Series after getting Pinella and Alfonso Soriano. I told him that the Cubs were like a cocktease. They'd squeak into the playoffs creating a craziness on the North Side of Chicago that only happens once or twice a decade, and then they'd promptly get swept.

I actually forgot about that conversation til I got that phone call. Go figure... I'm closer to Nostradamus than I thought, I guess. Needless to say, I will come up with an off-season prediction for the Cubs for 2008 so keep tuned in!

Peace out
Heitz