Happy to Be Human

So, I gotta give props to my older brother for giving me some food for thought this morning... sent me this little message:

I'm glad I'm not a fly. Could you imagine it? You would be flying around until you found a pile of shit and then you would think to yourself " Hot damn!!! It's time to fucking eat!!!!"

Got me thinking... It could be WAY worse than being a human being on this planet, couldn't it. I mean shit, here I am unemployed for basically like the fourth or fifth time in a decade. I should be extremely stressed out, but instead I am just glad I'm not eating a pile of shit.

So here's a short list of five things that would be WAY worse to be than a human:

1. Elephant
Not only are you a gigantic fat ass, crazy guys with guns and spears want to kill you for your tusks. Also, we all saw that video of the elephant sticking his trunk up another elephants ass and eating a pile of shit. I'm pretty sure any creature that eats a pile of shit is something I don't want to be.

2. Chicken
They're dumb as shit and basically only exist so I can eat hot wings on Sunday while watching beer. What other purpose do they serve??? (This also goes for Tuna, the Chicken of the Sea)

3. Cockroach
Seriously, other than giving everyone the heebie-jeebies, what the hell do these things do? Shit, I had to clean out my outdoor storage closet yesterday, saw one cockroach and had my skin crawling for like an hour. I think I need to burn everything in there.

4. Goldfish
What can be worse than this... imprisoned in a small bowl your whole life and when you die, you get unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. What more useless existence is there than being overfed by a 7 year old and then tossed down the drain with a turd? (also covers Canary)

5. Vulture
Actually, this category pretty much goes for any kind of scavenger. Watch Animal Planet and you see all the vultures digging in some rotting carcass. That's just frikkin nasty.

I had a couple others I was considering...

Pigeon... but then I realized it might be cool to fly over a city and shit on people.
And my top inanimate object... toilet paper. Strictly created to wipe my ass. That's just wrong.

So, I guess it could be way worse than being an aspiring writer, unemployed salesperson, failed athlete... I could be homeless in a cold ass city somewhere. Instead, I might just end up homeless in Sunny Florida! Not a bad gig at all!

Peace out...
Heitz