Lube Me Up!

Well, we have really gone off the deep end here at The Daily Heitz. I'm not going to name names, but I had an interesting conversation last night with an old friend from college that started me thinking...

What did the world use as a lubricant prior to the invention of KY???

Now, obviously alcohol SHOULD appear on the list as it is still the best way for ugly people to coax a person into bed with them. But, I'm going to leave it off. I want to know what they used once they got into bed with that person! Any idiot can give someone a phony name and then slip them a Mickey. That's called "RAPE" people.

So, let's say it's the early 19th Century, and me and the lady of the Manor are looking to spice things up a bit in the bedroom.

1. Elbow Grease
Now, I don't know what exactly constitutes "Elbow Grease", but I think it has something to do with WORK HARDER... or something. Now, please do not go to Wikipedia and look for an alternative to this. I just did and came up with something called "grindersparks". This does not sound good...

Grinder sparks are the debris caused by the rubbing of a piece of metal against a grinding wheel and is a combination of the two materials. The color of the spark denotes the hardness and composition of the metal.

Seriously, folks... unless we are talking about a stainless steel, chrome plated vibrator... or handcuffs... there should be no metal in bed with you! (Small exception for braces... if she's got a smokin' body!)

2. Lanolin
Damn I'm smart... so, you see... Shepherds have sex with the sheep, right? They notice that the wool gives off some kind of residue, which they learn how to extract... and VOILA! They have a bottle of Lanolin next to the bed for when the Missus gets back from the village!

So, I guess something good did come from all that Man-Sheep sex, huh?

3. Spit
OK... So I dated this Sorority girl in College. Not good... she had a funny smell about her. So, being a College dude, I really wanted... ya know... a blowjob. So, we're fooling around, and I asked her for one and she said no way! She stuck her hand in my face and it smelled like roadkill! She said "that is what cum smells like!!!"

Well, being a normal male, I had been touching myself for years and never smelled anything like that! Next time we got together to hook up (yes there was a next time...) I saw her spit in her hand to get things going. I was like... WHOA NELLIE! She never did have nice breath and I quickly put two and two together. Needless to say I became VERY busy and took on and extra class so I could avoid actually having to break up with the Mafia Don's daughter. She eventually got the hint, though...

Now, the moral of this story is, back in the 19th Century when pretty much everyone smelled bad, who the hell would notice that their hand smelled like roadkill???

4. Bacon Grease
Shit, this stuff is like universal for everything from Popcorn to Pancakes. I would say "lard" here except for the obvious fact that at some point someone realized they had some bacon bits down there and decided to toss a nice fresh salad. (think about it...)

Seriously, tell me, how could this not have happened???

5. Gherri Curl
OK, now this is much newer than the 19th Century, but I felt the need to throw one out there for my African American friends. How many bus seats did I slide off of while transitting around the city of Chicago in my youth and could never figure out what that slick substance was???

How many times must a Gherri Curl application led directly to the back room of the beauty salon for some hot, steamy, already lubed up sex??? I say LOADS!

I'd be shocked if this did not actually happen.

There you have it... after painstaking minutes of research, I have come up with the top 5 sexual lubricants prior to the introduction of silky smooth, variety flavored, KY and it's various knockoffs.

I hope this was both entertaining AND educational for everyone.

Peace Out
Heitz

What time is it?

Shit... I was all worried about being late for work this morning... and yesterday... oh yeah, I'm frikkin' unemployed. But, I have noticed it's dark as hell in the morning and it got me wondering when the hell that damn daylight savings time thing kicked in. I'm pretty sure I should get a handle on that BEFORE I get hired by someone and have to go back to work. It sure would look bad to be late on my first day, right?

So, I was talking about other cities that I'd like to live in with a friend of mine yesterday. She is originally from Berlin, Germany. We both pretty much came to the same conclusion; Tampa seems to be a temporary layover for many people that expect more from a city. There is a lot of new development going on in the downtown part of Tampa, high rise condos and stuff. The big question will be whether or not the commercial development follows along with it. There are loads of new places where I could buy a condo in downtown Tampa, but not a single Starbucks, bookstore, or little cafe within walking distance.

Kinda depressing really. I think if I do decide to get out of here some day (other than being flat out destitute from cashing those unemployment checks) that would be the reason. it's just NOT a real city. It's a big suburb.

So I put together a short list of 5 cities I'd like to live in (not including Chicago since I spent most of my life there). Kinda fun thinking about this as I have only been to a couple of these places.

1. New York City (for all the same reasons I would move back to Chicago)
2. LA (Hollywood to be exact. Love the hills, and maybe then I could get discovered or something)
3. Munich, Germany (One word... OKTOBERFEST!!!)
4. Tokyo (Shit yeah, Asian school girl outfits are considered Busines casual for the Japanes 20-somethings)
5. Tossup between Lisbon, Barcelona, Florence (love the weather and culture of those places)

Just missing the list I guess would be Boston, London, Vienna, Prague, and Hong Kong.

Shit, I may as well just go win the Lotto this week and then I can spend 5 years living in each place, right? How frikkin cool would that be??? "Shit, sorry, my 5 years is up, time to go live somewhere else. Later..."

Anyways, it was a depressing news morning... more articles about child porn being protected by the 1st Amendment, dead sorority girls in a big fire, Tropical Storm Noel on the way to the Bahamas. I'd rather sit here and daydream about what I would do if I was rich.

BOOYAH!!!

Heitz

IS Dumbledore GAY?

According to the NY Times, the answer to this question (regardless of what JK Rowling says) depends on your definition of the words "IS" and "GAY".

Hmm... are we thinking too much into this? I mean, "IS" is just the verb "To Be", right? So, "Be Dumbledore Gay"???

Here is the definition of "Gay" from Dictionary.com:


1.having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.
2.bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.
3.given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.
4.licentious; dissipated; wanton: The baron is a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies.
5.homosexual.
6.of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues: a gay organization. –noun
7.a homosexual person, esp. a male. –adverb
8.in a gay manner.

Hmm... Now we can only assume that Rowling means that Dumbledore is a Homosexual since that is the common meaning these days of the term "Gay". BUT, you have four definitions ahead of anything to do with homosexuality! Look at #4... "a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies"!!!

This reminds me of a philosophical dilemma we discussed years ago... OK, so it was in the mid-90's... not THAT long ago. In the interest of protecting the innocent (or guilty) we'll call our characters Ozzie and Paul (or maybe we won't). Now we we all convinced Paul was gay (homosexual). I had plenty of gay (homosexual) friends at the time and felt I could spot one a mile away. Ozzie was a consummate ladies man.... here's the conversation as I recall it between Ozzie and myself:

Ozzie: (between bites of his Wendy's double bacon cheeseburger) If Paul sucked my d*ck, would that make me gay?
ME: (after Diet Coke shot out my nose) Hell yeah... get away from me homo!!!

OK, so I'm not sure what that was supposed to prove, but I think that is JK Rowling says some fictional character she created is gay, then I guess we should listen to her and just accept that and not worry about whether he and Grindewald did the nasty in the forest somewhere.

Does it matter to the rest of the world whether a fictional character is gay? i mean, we ALL knew Bert & Ernie were a gay couple, right? Do kids still watch Sesame Street? Yer damn right they do. So does it matter that Tinky Winky is gay (or Bi or whatever that thing is)? How many times a day is the teletubbies on? Apparently it doesn't matter to anyone.

I guess the BIG point is that gay people (homosexuals... happy or not) can be more than just gay, and more than just our hairdressers/interior designers/musicians, etc... They can save the world from evil, serve my breakfast at the local diner, and maybe even be partially responsible for raising America's youth (how many hours a day of Teletubbies and Sesame Street does it take to turn your kid gay???).

So, I'm totally OVER the fact that Dumbledore is gay. I wasn't attracted to him, which I guess just confirms my heterosexuality, I think. Sweet...

And speaking of Heterosexuals in trouble...

Father disputes son's $53,000 strip club bill

Apparently, after his graduation from Georgia Tech earlier this year, Tommy Salter spent nearly $53,000 at a strip club in the Florida Panhandle. According to his father, Tommy told the strip club owner he couldn't spend more than $600, at which point dad says the strip club charged him for everything under the sun.

Now according to the strip club owner, Tommy bought 19 bottles of champagne, and finished off the night by dancing with the club manager!

American Express agrees with the strip club and refused to reverse the charges. I hope Tommy at least got crabs or something for his trouble. I mean, isn't there a story about a Cambodian whorehouse here somewhere???

Peace out...
Heitz

Colbert Right on the Money

Well, I think this Stephen Colbert from Comedy Central may be onto something here. I've been reading his book 'I Am America (And So Can You!)' and just finished the chapter on religion. There was a reference to a 'Religion Randomizer' on his website:

http://www.colbertnation.com/

I said, what the heck? I was baptised Presbyterian (which is one step away from a Methodist I guess, except we learned 'trespasses' in the Lord's Prayer instead of 'debts'... I think... ain't prayed in a while...) but other than weddings and baptisms I couldn't tell you the last time I went to church.

Oh wait... sure I can... I was in college dating a bible banger. Yeah, I know... Her name was Heidi. Can you imagine if we were married? Shit, not only would I be going to church every week, but her name would be Heidi Heitz. Jesus, just slap a Swastika on my shoulder now and point me to Berlin.

Anyways, that didn't last long... dumped me for an Air Force ROTC guy that looked exactly like me. Except in uniform. Go figure.

So, I went to the website to get my new Religion. I figured, what the hell? Why not see what it gives me. The result?

Baha'ism!!!

Honestly? I had to look it up on Wikipedia. I had no frikkin clue what it was. BUT, the good news is, it sounds kinda cool! Muslims hate it, as to Christians apparently as the followers are persecuted everywhere. It preaches the Unity of Mankind, Unity of God, and Gender Equality. Hmmm... sounds pretty damn fair to me. I've long felt that God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and all the other 'Gods' out there were all one in the same, so this religion actually makes sense to me. I don't know what this symbol is, but it represents something important so I thought I'd put it right about here...

Notable followers of Baha'ism?

Dizzy Gillespie

OK... so that was the only one I could find that I ever heard of, but still! It's WAY cooler than Scientology! AND, I get to wear a cool hat, I think. All the pictures I see have cool multi-colored hats. I just hope I can get away with putting a Chicago Bears logo on there somewhere to show my TRUE religious allegiance.

Also, there's something about a 19-Day Feast that sounds promising... it's like Thanksgiving on HGH. AND, I get an ID card...

I'm frikkin SOLD! Uhhh... Shit... It looks like there are only three Baha'i places in the US as far as I can tell. Two in Chicago and one in DC. OK, so that will just mean I'm on my own... pretty much how I feel anyways, right?

And BONUS!!! There are three obligatory prayers that must be said each day... BUT, an exemption can be made for those of ill health. I guess I need to send them the MRI photos of my L4-L5-S1 lumbar injuries so they can forward that to God so I don't burn in Hell for not praying three times per day.

SWEET!!!

Anyways... thank you Stephen Colbert for showing me the true path. Even though you are Catholic, since I now believe in the Unity of God & Mankind, it's almost exactly like we are all Catholic... or Baha'i... or whatever... all at the same time!

Peace out

Heitz

I'm totally flippin' losin' it, ya'all

What a rough couple nights. I figure it's time to write this shit down since I came across an article in the New York times about nightmares and "why we dream".

Being unemployed for the time being, I obviously have plenty of time to 'think'. Just like Aretha told me to. Of course, all that anxiety has been manifesting itself into some strange dreams.

Like the one where I am living in the back of my Mitsubishi Montero. Of course, forget the fact that being unemployed and homeless SHOULD indicate that I cannot make the payment on said vehicle. Once my subconscious figures that out I'll be living in a tent I guess.

So, the article in the NY Times made me think a little... only a little, it's early and I am only on my first cup of coffee.

It's time to start keeping a Dream Diary. Not for any kind of therapeutic reasons... although maybe it will help the anxiety while I hunt for a J.O.B. But, since my ultimate dream in life is to be a best-selling author (and occasional sex slave to some beautiful woman) I figure it's time to see what my mind id doing while I am asleep. I don't remember all my dreams, as I'm sure most of us do not. BUT, the ones I remember I will attempt to document.

Who knows? My first best selling novel could be in there somewhere and I wouldn't know it if I don't write it down!!!

OK... so the other item on my agenda is this new "SmartCar" that is getting some press lately here in the Tampa area. Apparently, Mercedes is getting ready to release a tiny car that gets upwards of 40 MPG. Diesel and Electric versions will probably be available in a year or two as well.

Now, I'm 6'2" with a bad back. Take a look at this thing. I highly doubt a guy my size with a bad back is going to have much fun getting in and out of this thing. On top of that, how do you survive a crash with an SUV or Tractor Trailer rig? Or hell, even a Toyota Camry would wipe this thing out!

This kind of car would be perfect in New York City, Chicago (if you live & Work in the city), or maybe like Seattle where everything is Green anyways. Or on a college campus. I guess I could see this in some of the beach communities like Siesta Key or St. Pete Beach, but travelling on the highways here in Florida is risky business. It can allegedly go up top 95 MPH so make sure you stay in the right hand lane folks.

And where the hell would I put my golf clubs???

Seriously... this is a great idea for some folks. But any Soccer Mom will tell you that 4 kids and all their 'stuff' will not fit in this thing.

Oh yeah... the base model runs $12K and does not include any radio or A/C. I hope you like listening to the pelicans splash into the bay to get lunch cuz that's all the music you'll get.

Peace out...

Heitz

p.s. Everyone wish me luck on this job thing. I am frikkin' stressed yo!!!

We are SOOO Advanced!!!

I didn't realize how far ahead of the bell curve we are here in America until I saw this headline:

Chinese rocket blasts off to moon

China has FINALLY sent a rocket to the moon. It's 2007, almost 2008, right? And China, our BIG, BAD enemy in the East has FINALLY sent an unmanned spacecraft to the moon???

THE MOON FER CRISSAKES!!!

Didn't we get to the Moon in like the 60's or something? I mean, unless that WAS really all staged in Hollywood as some conspiracy theorists think. So, is China really 40 years behind us? Or are they just so advanced that going to the Moon is no big whup to them? I mean we've had probes going to Mars and shit already and they are just now getting to the Moon!

So much for a Space Race, huh? I mean it's like if me and a buddy were going to Miami from Chicago except I took a plane and he walked. I'd be on the beach in a couple hours. He'd be dead on the side of the road in a week or so somewhere shy of the Kentucky border.

And this just in... India is planning on joining the rest of humanity on the Moon sometime in the next few years. I think by then the US might be about ready to populate the Crab Nebula if we play our cards right.

Now, I'm not sure that the whole Space Race thing is even necessary. Seriously, there ARE other civilizations out there somewhere. I'm convinced of that. Chances are they will find us before we find them. So, with that in mind why don't we finish checking out our own planet? Hell, there are things at the bottoms of our oceans that we cannot even imagine! We can put a probe on Mars but we can't build a submarine that can withstand the pressure at the deepest parts of our oceans? Bitch PLEASE!!!

Get NASA working on that fer cryin' out loud!!!

And of course being so "advanced" means everyone hates us. Hmmm... or maybe it's just our notion that we are so advanced that they hate. Whatever, who cares... But, apparently the Terror Watch List is growing at an alarming rate:

Terror watch list swells to more than 755,000 names

USA Today is reporting that there are more than 750,000 names on the terror Watch List!!! HOLY SHNIKIES!!! Now, I'm already on record with a plan to deal with Mid-East violence (just see my previous posts about my border wall ideas)...

But how the hell do we keep that many people out of our country??? Shit, that's like keeping the population of San Francisco out of our country! It's clearly an impossible task when you look at it like that.

So unfortunately I must go back to my border wall in the Middle East plan:

http://thedailyheitz.blogspot.com/2007/09/more-common-sense.html

I'm dead certain that if we built this wall, we would solve so many problems for the whole planet that I can't believe no one else is thinking about this! OK, so we would have to work on alternative energy sources, but hell, we should be doing that anyways!

Is it inhumane? Answer me this... which is worse; putting a wall around the Middle East OR Watching in horror as three car bombs per day go off killing hundreds of people? Since the latter is what is going on over there, why the Hell is the "humane" question even brought up? Is it humane to strap 10 pounds of C4 to your chest and blow up a busload of schoolkids? Of course not...

Of course, I have it easy... no one gives a shit what I think so I can afford to have no conscience about what I propose.

Ahhh... it's so easy being me. :-)

Peace out...
Heitz

Happy to Be Human

So, I gotta give props to my older brother for giving me some food for thought this morning... sent me this little message:

I'm glad I'm not a fly. Could you imagine it? You would be flying around until you found a pile of shit and then you would think to yourself " Hot damn!!! It's time to fucking eat!!!!"

Got me thinking... It could be WAY worse than being a human being on this planet, couldn't it. I mean shit, here I am unemployed for basically like the fourth or fifth time in a decade. I should be extremely stressed out, but instead I am just glad I'm not eating a pile of shit.

So here's a short list of five things that would be WAY worse to be than a human:

1. Elephant
Not only are you a gigantic fat ass, crazy guys with guns and spears want to kill you for your tusks. Also, we all saw that video of the elephant sticking his trunk up another elephants ass and eating a pile of shit. I'm pretty sure any creature that eats a pile of shit is something I don't want to be.

2. Chicken
They're dumb as shit and basically only exist so I can eat hot wings on Sunday while watching beer. What other purpose do they serve??? (This also goes for Tuna, the Chicken of the Sea)

3. Cockroach
Seriously, other than giving everyone the heebie-jeebies, what the hell do these things do? Shit, I had to clean out my outdoor storage closet yesterday, saw one cockroach and had my skin crawling for like an hour. I think I need to burn everything in there.

4. Goldfish
What can be worse than this... imprisoned in a small bowl your whole life and when you die, you get unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. What more useless existence is there than being overfed by a 7 year old and then tossed down the drain with a turd? (also covers Canary)

5. Vulture
Actually, this category pretty much goes for any kind of scavenger. Watch Animal Planet and you see all the vultures digging in some rotting carcass. That's just frikkin nasty.

I had a couple others I was considering...

Pigeon... but then I realized it might be cool to fly over a city and shit on people.
And my top inanimate object... toilet paper. Strictly created to wipe my ass. That's just wrong.

So, I guess it could be way worse than being an aspiring writer, unemployed salesperson, failed athlete... I could be homeless in a cold ass city somewhere. Instead, I might just end up homeless in Sunny Florida! Not a bad gig at all!

Peace out...
Heitz

White Trash & More!

OK, before I get to my favorite headline of the day I need to take care of a couple items.

I had a short list of 3 things to do last week... well, I only accomplished ONE of them. I SUCK! Go ahead and say it... I didn't see any alligators, did not jump in the ocean... BUT I did go to the Salvador Dali museum in St. Pete.

Pretty cool place, but it's not in the best area for like an all day love affair with art. There's basically some kinda little waterfront cafe next door that did not look real appealing, there's a marina (members only), and there is the campus for USF St. Pete across the marina. So, basically, it kinda reminds me of Brookfield Zoo in Chicago where it's just the Zoo and nothing else.

Regardless, I spent a good two hours wandering through the exhibit. Pretty cool stuff really, they swap exhibits with the Dali Museum in Spain and also other institutes around the globe so they always have a mixture of work. Right now, they have his very first work done when he was 6 years old, a landscape done on a postcard sized sheet; they finish up with his final work done in 1983 that looks very little like the work he is best known for but still has the signature Dali head scratching involved.

The thing that amazes me about Dali (or any great artist such as Beethoven giving his first public concert at the age of 7) is how early in life they were showing the greatness that would carry them throughout their careers. I mean, seriously, who can tell me what they were doing at the age of six? Here's 5 things I was doing at the age of 6:

1. 1st Grade - don't remember it

2. Mom still dressing me

3. Learned how to tie my own shoes (Flippin' sweet!)

4. Learned how to spell my name (has definitely come in handy over the years)

5. Still eating boogers

That's about all I can think of and I really had to think hard about it. Friggin' Dali did a landscape that you can tell is a landscape! I'm 37 years old and still can't draw a stick figure whose legs come out the same length or whose head looks like a head. WTF!?!?!?

So, I am turning over a new leaf... unless someone tells me otherwise, from this day forward I am resigned to be mediocre! Not that mediocre is a huge problem these days... I mean the 53rd guy on an NFL roster still makes a quarter million per year, right? I could be a mediocre writer and still feed myself, for proof of that just look at all those "romantic" novels that sell millions of copies!

Alright... moving on with my new mediocre mindset! Ahhhh... almost relieved to be able to give up the mantle of greatness for a change.

One last item before my favorite headline of the day... How 'bout them Chicago Bears!? After 58 minutes of futility, they broke out with a 97 Yard touchdown drive with less than 2 minutes left on the clock and NO timeouts! Shit, I couldn't have pulled that off on my Xbox, so needless to say when I ran a lap around Bar Louie high-5'ing anyone that would make eye contact I was almost surprised when I wasn't escorted out. :-) Fortunately for me, I am much loved at Bar Louie so I think they can allow for some crazy behavior from time to time.

I think the main issue I face this season is going to be the constant cardiac arrests I am experiencing. Not a game goes by that I don't need the paddles pulled out and some shock treatment for the ol' ticker. We are a long way removed from September 2006 when the Bears were knocking teams around and outscoring people by three scores or more. I guess I should go get me some cardio to hopefully survive through the season.

Wish me luck...

And now... my FAVORITE headline of the day...

Waffle House brawl lands Kid Rock in jail

Now, I've long said that Kid Rock (or insert Axl Rose/Eminem) is a pussy and wouldn't last 2 minutes with me in a dark alley. I LOVE the fact that Mr. Rock had his "entourage" to back him up. We can only guess what would happen if he stood toe to toe with someone. Of course, weighing in at a scant 87 pounds, it's hard to imagine he could swing that blade of grass hard enough to make someone feel it.

But the best part is WHERE this brawl took place. I mean, what is more white trash than a Waffle House at 5am? Seriously??? I'm frikin unemployed and I don't go there! This guy is worth millions and he can't do better than a Waffle House? You know what they say...

You can take the Cracker out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the Cracker.

Peace out

Heitz

The Mind of a Suicide Bomber

Seriously, I am curious... What exactly goes through the mind of a suicide bomber as they are carrying out their "holy" task? Last night, a suicide bomber killed 136 people and injured almost 400 others when they blew themselves up near the motorcade of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. I may have to adjust my plan for a wall around the Middle East to include much more of that area.

So I just cannot fathom really wanting to do something like this though. I guess that's the problem between Islamic Extremists and the rest of the world... well, of course assuming the killer was an Islamic Extremist. I'm sure a video tape will be delivered to Al-Jazeera shortly with this bomber talking about himself being a martyr and wiping the face of the she-devil Bhutto off the planet.

Well, mission accomplished... NOT! The bomber could not get close enough to the motorcade so they just blew themselves up in the middle of a crowd of random people. Imagine if you would an American Bomber crew on their way to drop 20 tons of bombs on Adolf Hitler's bunker...

"Shit, John... we're running out of gas AND there's too much anti aircraft fire!"
"What should we do Captain???"
"Hmmmm... looks like a school and a church down there... let's just hit that instead. Fuck it!"
"Roger that!!!"

Now we all have heard stories of American GI's in Vietnam killing villages filled with women and children, but after getting shot at by countless women and children I'm sure they were a little trigger happy. I really don't know what else to compare this suicide bombing epidemic to. I mean, if you cannot reach your target, is it REALLY acceptable to blow up anyone that just happens to be around you? Does that make you a Martyr? Are 72 Virgins taking care of this young man (or woman... we don't know for sure yet) as we speak?

If life were so Black & White that blowing up things was a viable option to solve the worlds problems, we'd probably only have a world population of about 1 Billion instead of 6 Billion as there's be way too many people getting blown up to spend time having kids.

Ah well... whatever...

So then I notice another story this morning about a former Nobel Prize winner being a racist. Go figure... he won part of the Nobel Prize in 1962 for helping discover DNA. And he said US Policy assumes that the African continent contains people with equal intelligence to our own even though testing and evidence shows they are not.

WHOA! Hold on there!!! This is one of the guys that helped discover the double helix and he's saying blacks are not as smart as whites!

Uhhh... No???

'To all those who have drawn the inference from my words that Africa, as a continent, is somehow genetically inferior, I can only apologize unreservedly. That is not what I meant. More importantly from my point of view, there is no scientific basis for such a belief'

Hmmmm.... OK, now yer just backtracking, sir! Why is it, whenever someone lodges their foot in their mouth so far that they can tell you what a kneecap tastes like, they ALWAYS claim their words were either misinterpreted or taken out of context.

Here ya go...

I LOVE BOOBS!!!

Oh shit... No, I didn't mean that, I meant I appreciate boobs and hold no affection for them although I know they are a very important part to world civilization. I mean, without boobs, what would we watch on the boob tube???

Whew... that was close! I was almost misinterpreted into saying that I love beautiful, succulent breasts... good thing I was able to talk my way out of that one!

Solution? Hmmmm... Maybe we can get one of those suicide bomber groups to just target stupid people. I mean, I'm sure they would not have any problems killing their own family and friends, but we should probably check with them just to be sure.

Now, I didn't mean that suicide bombers are stupid!!! Ahhh hell... I give up...

Finally this morning... I felt like I was watching my Chicago Bears last night as the USF Bulls took on the Rutgers Scarlet Knights in Piscataway, NJ. USF, as you may know from my previous blogs was ranked #2 in the country. Well, that ride is over sister. A young man by the name of Ray Rice ran up and down the field on them and even though they were able to come up with big plays on special teams (just like the Bears do every Sunday) they came up just short at the end when their offense seemingly just could not figure ANYTHING out.

I guess it's good to know that teams at every level have the kinds of mental implosions that my Bears go through every Sunday. It was a frustrating game to watch, rooting for USF. #22, whoever he is, probably had to hitch-hike home to Florida. He had two HUGE penalties that were just about asinine.

Still, it was a fun ride to this point of the season. They will still be in contention for the Big East title and as long as they get back to winning can count on a decent bowl game this year.

Like I needed another excuse to drink.

Shit...

Peace out...
Heitz

I am Not MIA or even Dead

Wow... been a hectic week over here. Strange that I feel like I have been that busy since I am technically unemployed. Go figure...

Of course, jut because I don't have an income right now doesn't mean I ain't busy, right? I mean, I've been to two more interviews this week, worked on two friends computer issues, wrote another chapter in my novel, sold a shitload of stuff on eBay... see, I been BUSY!

But this morning, something weird happened. I had kinda like an acid trip flash-back to my college days. For some reason, the thought popped in my head that no one ever taught me how to clip my toenails. I just kinda "winged it" I guess. Of course, that led to a massive battle with ingrown toenails (no pictures included... they are gross...) that I had to actually have surgery on!

So, here's a note to all you parents out there... make sure your kids are doing it right! Clip straight across. Don't round it off. Learn from someone who already made those mistakes.

So, today is the big day! No, I won't find out if I got this job yet. That comes Monday I hope. I am getting off my lily white behind and heading to the Salvador Dali museum this afternoon! I have an appointment with a couple cups of coffee at Starbucks and hopefully another completed chapter, but then I am wide open this afternoon to go be ARTSY!!! WOO HOO!!! It's only $15 to get in, so I figure I'll spend the afternoon there and just chill, kinda like the good ol' days at Upshot Marketing in Chicago when I could just walk to the Art Institute and get lost amongst 3,000 year old items. Crazy!

So, that is the plan for this afternoon... oh yeah, and I think I will take along my copy of Stephen Colbert's book and become a little more Americanized. So far, he's got some good points. Of course, I have only read the introduction so I am not sure how much sense you can make in a 2 page intro.

Peace out
Heitz

The Sky Has Fallen

I am not a quitter, so this is tough... trying to figure out when to throw in the towel on the season for the Chicago Bears. :( Another horrendous loss yesterday that had my heart stopped at about 3 different points. I will definitely have my first heart attack before the age of 38 the way things are going this season.

On top of that... my Salukis lost. Ugh... shit rolls downhill don't it? But, at least my new local teams, the USF Bulls and the Tampa Bay Bucs both won. The Bulls are ranked #2 in the country!!! YIKES!!!

So, this week I am planning on getting my mind set for the rest of the season for the Bears. I am usually so pumped up for Bears games that when the game is such a roller coaster as it was yesterday, I almost feel like I need to sleep for a week to recover. Heck, I only had 4 bears all day yesterday and I feel like I drank a full keg.

With all that in mind... I think this is the week to do some things I have NOT gotten around to since moving here. First thing on the agenda, head over to St. Pete and go to the Salvador Dali museum. Hmmmm... should be able to do that tomorrow. Second, go see some damn alligators. I've seen only two alligators in my four years here. WTF??? And finally, I should probably go hit the beach and jump in the ocean. Alright, it's crazy to admit but I have not yet jumped in the Gulf of Mexico. Can't really explain why. Just never got around to it. It's kinda like living in Chicago most of my life and I never set foot in the Sears Tower. Isn't that like the first destination for tourists?

So, there's my plan for the week. Dali, Gators, and Water. Maybe I can get bit by a shark when I jump in the gulf!!! WOO HOO!!!

The only other thing I have to report on this sleepy Monday morning is twofold... First, I still have not finished that 7th grade reading... For whatever reason, I did not even pick it up over the weekend. How the hell am I supposed to write a book report if I can't finish the damn book? I think the problem is, I've already seen a bunch of references to masturbation, plenty of swearing, and a bit of violence so I cannot really justify finishing it. I can see what the parents are concerned with, even if I disagree with them. Well, I'll certainly finish it this week. I really have nothing else to do, so why not.

The other thing is that the novel I am working on is rolling right along. I have an appointment with Starbucks this morning to knock out another two chapters I hope. I feel like I am about halfway through this first book, but only a fraction of a way through the story as it is unfolding in my mind. This first deal should come out as a trilogy I think, so hopefully when I finish book 1, I will be able to get an agent that thinks we can get it published.

Fingers crossed as I type that last sentence!

Alright, time to get to work...

Peace out!
Heitz

Friday Morning

Have you ever watched a cow? I mean, have you ever just sat there and watched a cow do it's 'thing'? I spent one summer in college working on a farm camp, teaching small children how to groom and ride horses. We had two cows, three pigs, and some other assorted farm animals around including a donkey (mule, donkey, who friggin' knows).

The thing about cows is, I always felt like they were sizing me up. For what, I don't know. Pigs are easy, they want to eat. Nothing nastier than dumping 100 pounds of yesterday's food into their pen and having them nearly take your arm off in the process. The donkey, well, just stay clear of the hind legs and the teeth and you might be OK.

But the cows? They seemed docile. But all they do is stand there and chew. They might not even have anything in their mouth and they're still chewing. But the most disturbing part is how they WATCH you while they are chewing. Almost like they KNOW how many Porterhouse steaks I've had, or how many burgers I've tossed on the grill this summer. I got the impression that if the tables were turned, they'd grill the shit out of me, toss a nice side salad, put my grilled carcass on a sesame seed bun, top it off with some Worcestershire sauce and lettuce and a pickle, and go to town.

So, I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, cows are a little smarter than we give them credit for. Maybe they are just luring us into a trap with all their juicy ribeye's, succulent T-Bones, and hamburger patties. And when the time is right...

WHAMMO!!!

That's when they strike and take over the world. Now, I know what the nay-sayers are thinking.

"But they don't have opposable thumbs!!!"

Have we ever taken a census to find out how many cockroaches there are on the planet? I'm guessing at least a thousand times as many as there are people. And if there was a nuclear holocaust, the cockroaches would rule the world. So, don't tell me opposable thumbs are THAT important.

Cuz I ain't buying it...

Sorry for rambling... got a big interview today so my brain is on overdrive.

Peace out...

Holla...

And all that...

Heitz

YIKES!

Alright, I know I'm done for... I haven't written a scribble in like 3 days or something. But, in my defense, it's been a crazy 10 days. I was laid off for the second time in 8 months last week, spent the weekend watching football, playing golf, and trying to NOT be too stressed about having ZERO income, and also trying to stay as chipper as possible since I saw that layoff coming and have already been interviewing for a new gig.

On top of all that, I have made some progress on the novel, decided it's time to learn to play guitar (at age 37 fer crying out loud!), and am playing some of the best golf in recent memory... or at least since I blew out three discs in my lower back.

So BACK OFF MAN!!!

:)

Alright, I saw some crazy stuff... first off, I found a book that tied in with the Chocolate War that I have been reading. I seriously think I am below a 7th grade reading level since I should have had that book finished in like three BM's (bowel movements). I'm probably 2/3rds done with it and I just wonder how long those poor 7th graders have to read it.

Well, i was in Barnes and Noble and spotted a book on the clearance rack called "The Secret Society Handbook". It's got all kinds of info on a bunch of different secret societies. I figured, if nothing else it might be fun to read. Or maybe, I can come up with some ideas for creating a Secret Society of my very own! How cool would that be? I could call it something obscure like the Cinammon Kids... or maybe something violent like Swords & Blood... or maybe something whimsical like Who Farted?

The possibilities are endless... I'm so frikkin' excited!!!

The other funny thing I saw this morning was in one of the local papers. Everyone has seen commercials for those DVD's where college COED's show their boobs called "Girls Gone Wild". Well, a couple aspiring film makers in Clearwater, FL have come up with a video called "Da Hood Gone Wild". Now, I'm no expert on Clearwater, FL but when I think of that place I think of beaches and golf courses. But apparently there is a ghetto section of Clearwater that is the filming ground for this DVD that contains over two years of Hood activity. I guess sunshine and palm trees really doesn't do much to stem the flow of black-on-black violence, but it is definitely hard to find it when you are just driving around.

I was driving to lunch one day and took a wrong turn, my buddy Gregg reaches over to lock the doors. "This is a shitty neighborhood," he said. I looked around and realized it looked just like my neighborhood. How the hell can you tell it's shitty? At least in Chicago you know that East of Halsted on the South Side is not a place you really want to spend a lot of time in. But Tampa is not so clear cut.

I guess that just gives me more reason to make sure I stay on my toes.

Alright... time to get to work. I have an interview tomorrow so I gotta make sure the vocal chords are in pristine condition. Hopefully by next week I will be gainfully employed again. I don't know how long I can pass myself off as a poor novelist.

Wish me luck!
Peace out!
Heitz

Too much Joe

So, back when I was working my first job out of college selling tires and brakes, I probably drank 1-2 pots of coffee per day. That's right, multiple pots of coffee per work day. I was an assistant store manager, and was probably putting in around 75 hours per week, loads o' fun!

Well, I developed a twitch in my left eye from all the caffeine and basically had to cut back on hours and caffeine to get rid of it. I am happy to report, I HAVE MY TWITCH BACK!!!

I had no idea I was drinking so much coffee until the other day my left eye started buggin' out. I was like, WHOA! Not this again. So, I am not making my pot of coffee this morning, instead I will head to Starbucks later and get back into that. Kinda crazy, but basically two weeks of drinking a pot of coffee per day gets that twitch going full force. Apparently I can handle one cup, maybe two, but an entire pot per day... bad news.

So, I found that out this weekend along with a couple other things.

Probably the most ridiculous thing I saw this weekend was a pen. That's right, an ink pen. Some folks think that it's important to have a good pen. I was at the mall picking up some dress shirts, and there was a Mont Blanc store there so I decided to pop in. I had been there before because a buddy of mine has a Mont Blanc and pays $12 for ink refills.

So, I'm browsing around purposely pissing off the waitstaff. What do you call these guys? they sell pens, fer chrissakes! Well, they had a pen that was $10,500!!! No lie... platinum body encrusted in diamonds. So I started thinking about the type of person that would buy this damn thing.

Sure, Bill Gates could afford a case of them, but he seems kinda frumpy so I'm sure he just uses a Papermate. I could totally see Donald Trump or George Steinbrenner with one, those guys have some serious egos.

But about the only thing I could come up with that would even warrant a $10,500 pen would be like if it was being used to sign a peace treaty ending World War III or like the first trade agreement with an intergalactic civilization. then we could put it straight in the Smithsonian and be done with it.

I think my problem would be that I tend to chew on the ends of pens. Not like some folks that chew them up like a dog would, but I do chew a bit. I could totally imagine chewing on the end of that thing and ending up with some diamonds stuck in my teeth or something. Nothing like buying a pen and inadvertently ending up with a grill.

So, moving on to other news...

Salukis won their Homecoming game! Cubs got swept as I predicted! Bears finally win!!! Buccaneers lost!

It was a mixed bag of sports over the weekend. I was reminded by my old sales manager that I actually predicted the Cubs playoff sweep last winter. When Lou Pinella was brought in by the Cubs, Paul and I had a talk about it. He thought the Cubs were a lock for the World Series after getting Pinella and Alfonso Soriano. I told him that the Cubs were like a cocktease. They'd squeak into the playoffs creating a craziness on the North Side of Chicago that only happens once or twice a decade, and then they'd promptly get swept.

I actually forgot about that conversation til I got that phone call. Go figure... I'm closer to Nostradamus than I thought, I guess. Needless to say, I will come up with an off-season prediction for the Cubs for 2008 so keep tuned in!

Peace out
Heitz

Bedroom Fun

'My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up.'

This is what it's come to in the state of Alabama folks. This quote is from the owner of a couple adult stores in Alabama, and pretty much sums it all up. The US Supreme court is refusing to hear an appeal to an Alabama state law banning the sale of 'any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value.'

No more double headed dildos, fake vaginas, vibrating pocket pals, etc... Well, at least you cannot BUY them in the state of Alabama. Feel free to buy them from anywhere else in the world however.

My problem with this is two-fold. First, what the hell is the point if these fine southern folks can just order one online from Florida, Indiana, Hong Kong, or wherever they can find them? Second, what's the next step in this draconian law? Are they going to pull large carrots from the shelves? Strawberries? How about cantaloupes?

The craziest thing here is it took until the 1960's to ban same family marriage in the fine state of Alabama (I'm pretty sure I just made that up...) so I guess they feel more comfortable kissing their sister or cousin than having their sister or cousin playing with a vibrator. I guess that's where I lucked out... see, my sisters are not my type AT ALL! I mean, not even going down the whole "we're related" path... I dig brunettes and Asian chicks. Both my sisters are blonde. They don't stand a chance!

Of course, this battle is far from over. There is no way the ACLU will let this one go quietly. At some point, we may be able to get this onto the big screen. I guess we first need John Grisham to write us a novel with this as the back story... so get cracking John. I want to see Jessica Biel in the lead role... Oh yeah...

The baseball playoffs are under way. Here is my quote from Sunday while sitting at the bar watching the Bears lose disastrously to the Detroit Lions:

"The Cubs will get swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks"

Those were my exact words. And last night, Sweet Lou Pinella took the first step towards that vision by pulling his Ace after the 6th inning. His plan? Well, he's saving Carlos Zambrano for the 4th game on Sunday.

Hey Lou... just a bit of free advice, pal. You don't get to Game 4 without at least winning ONE game. This was a great pitching duel until Zambrano came out, and the Diamondbacks took the lead almost immediately as the lead off hitter in the next inning hit a go-ahead home run.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... The Curse of the Billy Goat is as real as the peach fuzz on my chin.

Wait til' next year...

Peace out...
Heitz

USF Fighting Back!

OK, now I am a Saluki through and through. Having graduated from Southern Illinois University over a decade ago, I still get fired up for Saluki Football and Basketball. So the latest surge in the polls by the University of South Florida Bulls has some meaning for me. For years they were a "nobody". Heck, the football program has only been in existence for 11 years! And now, after a dramatic victory over #5 West Virginia last weekend, they are ranked #6 in the land!!!

WOO HOO!!!

Oh, wait a moment... Nick Saban has something to say...

'There's a significant amount of players who don't qualify at some schools and they end up being pretty good players at some other schools. I think there are six guys starting on South Florida's defense who probably could have gone to Florida or Florida State but Florida and Florida State couldn't take them. And if you do a good job of recruiting that way ...'

Holy Crap!!!

So, Nick Saban, head coach at LSU, which has no game against USF this year, does not play in the same conference, and might only meet in a bowl game, has to voice his opinion on USF specifically.

What he's saying here is that USF is recruiting kids that can't make the cut, academically speaking, at the powerhouse schools like Alabama, Florida, Florida State, etc... Is that anything like how Saban couldn't make the cut as an NFL coach? Oh, sorry... is that like salt on a fresh wound Coach? Or has that one healed yet?

Seriously, folks... this is just plain stupid. What Saban is really saying (and history has shown he has a propensity to insert his foot in his mouth... up to the ankle on some occasions) is that he's jealous that he couldn't take a program from scratch and turn it into a top 10 caliber team in just 11 short years. So of course, he says hurtful things to hide his true feelings of inadequacy.

Well, all I can say to Mr. Saban is this... and I'm sure Jim Leavitt, USF's coach would go along...

Bring your Alabama Crimson Tide boys down for a weekend, we'll take them to Leroy Selmon's for some good ribs, get them all fat on food, and then take them out on the field and knock the snot out of them.

Of course, that challenge will sit here and gather dust since I have the combined leverage of a toothpick and a drinking straw.

But there it is... you heard it here first. I can guarantee you that Saban will NOT be scheduling USF as a non-conference opponent any time in his career at Alabama. Anyone wanna take that bet?

Didn't think so...

Peace out...

Heitz

Is Global Warming REAL?

OK, now I know what our friend Stephen Colbert says global warming is real because Al Gore's movie made money. But seriously, let's think about this from another standpoint, shall we?



Now, I am not going to say we should NOT find alternative energy sources, in fact I think that is more important than just about anything right now for a number of reasons. I also am not going to get caught up in talking about my carbon footprint. I live in Tampa, Florida... the land of driving everywhere. No public transportation means hop in your SUV and drive there.



What I would like to bring up (and it's been brought up before I think) is exactly how much impact does human activity have on our planet? How can we say that MAN is responsible for the melting polar caps when the caps froze over numerous times only to recede and melt some. Did dinosaurs cause global cooling thus making themselves extinct?



The thought that pops in my head is "golly, we sure are full of ourselves thinking we have THAT much control over our planet!!!" I mean, global warming is being touted as the reason for the number of hurricanes over the past few years... of course, you can ignore the fact that each year they predict numerous catastrophic level hurricanes only to be disappointed. Now, do the insurance companies refund the excess money they charged due to the so-called "experts" claims of a highly destructive hurricane, season? Of course not!



My point is exemplified in a pretty slick book called "Decipher" from a guy named Stel Pavlou. It's a Michael-Crichton-esque kind of story tying global warming to an as yet undiscovered connection between the ancient Atlantis stories, and celestial events that mankind CANNOT possibly predict, let alone control.



Now, granted this is a work of fiction, but it brings up some strong points. How much effect does mankind have on our globe? Scientists say that the earth tilts on its access every few hundred thousand years; are we in a tilting phase now that might have much more to do with global warming than any amount of pollution we could produce?



On top of all that, let's say God (or Yahweh, Allah, Buddah, whatever...) is real and we are his little snow globe. Maybe every few thousand years he shakes it up by melting the ice, flooding everything (Noah, anyone?), and starting over.



If any of these are true, does it really matter whether I drive an electric car or a Hummer? Can I gleefully toss my plastic bottles in the same trash bag as my coffee grounds?



So I say, let's not be so damn serious all the time. Yes, we SHOULD be more responsible. We see every day what the dependency on oil has done to our world. How many people were killed in car bombings yesterday? I don't even need to go to CNN.com to tell you it was probably more than two dozen.



Now that that is settled, hand me my SPF 30... I'm going to the pool!



Peace out...

Heitz