WARNING! THIS IS GROSS!!!

OK, so talking to a dear old friend last night alerted me to the fact that my blog yesterday was a load of disgusting stuff. Funny, but absolutely disgusting...

If I caused you to vomit, gag, shoot milk out of your nose, or any other action occurred similar to those as a result of yesterdays blog...

Well, all I can say is GET READY FOR MORE!!! It didn't take me long to realize that as gross as some of those things were they could not hold a candle to the most disgusting thing ever to happen to me.

And no, I am not talking about the Hungry, Hungry, Hippo I picked up while drunk in a bar one semester... There are two morals to this story so if you feel like skipping the juicy parts you can scroll all the way down to learn my lessons so you don't have to learn them for your-damn-self...

Here we go...

A couple years ago I came down with what felt like a bad head cold. I NEVER miss days at work typically for something as mundane as a cold but this had me laid up for two or three days. I went to the doctor and she said it looked like a sinus infection. I had those before so really didn't disagree with her except for one thing...

It felt like there was SOMETHING in my sinuses. A lump of some kind... also, when I blew my nose... well, the term "roadkill" comes to mind. And I am not talking about fresh roadkill. I am talking about the bloated kind that has been sitting on the side of the road in the blazing sun for a couple days... That was how the stuff coming out of my nose smelled! It was some of the most foul, repugnant shit I had ever smelled in my life, and it was coming out of my HEAD!!!

I went to the doctor again... "still not getting better doc, I gotta back to work" is basically how the convo went. She had tried me on a Z-Pack (ahhhhh, God bless the inventor of the Z-Pack.... my frikkin hero!) again, but really no effect.

I went back to work, still pretty feverish, feeling like I had a combo of the Flu, Asthma, and a bloody, runny, stinky ass nose.

I could feel the lump in my sinuses slowly working its way up to a point where I thought I might be able to get it out. Has anyone seen the movie "Total Recall" with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, I figured in a few days I should be able to do like they did in that movie and just yank out whatever the hell was up there...

So, after a few more days of blowing huge, obnoxiously bright green chunks of mucus out of my sinus cavity it finally shot out into the sink with a splat...

Now... before I go any further... let me just start by saying I LOVE Salsa. Not the dance... the food. I sometimes can just eat an entire jar of Salsa and a bag of chips for dinner. Love the stuff... can't get enough of it...

I figured what happened was this... I was eating some chips and salsa and ya know how sometimes you swallow funny and shit feels like it went down the wrong way? Well, that's basically what happened because laying in my bathroom sink was a mucus covered piece of Onion. Seriously, I had a piece of onion wedged in my sinuses for the better part of a month, obviously turning my sinuses rotten.

(By the way, I didn't know it was an onion right away... I was tempted to put it in a baggie and take it to the doctor and ask her "WHAT THE GODDAM HELL IS THIS?!?!?!" Instead, I picked it up with a spoon, took it to the kitchen and kinda performed a biopsy on it... it was clearly a chunk of onion shaped EXACTLY like the chopped pieces of onion in my favorite Tostito's brand salsa.)

After blowing the nasty chunk of rotten onion out of my nose, my sinuses IMMEDIATELY began clearing up. Within a couple hours I was a million times better.

So, the morals of this story folks???

1. Always get a second opinion. I knew my doctor was a quack when she told me I should stop drinking coffee and beer but I didn't really go outside of her office for a second opinion.

2. BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN EATING SALSA!!!

Trust me... you do NOT want roadkill in yer nose...

Not fun...

Peace out...

Heitz