CBGB Founder Dies

My life now has no meaning... OK, well, it might not have really had much meaning before this morning anyways... I realized last year when the famous club CBGB closed its doors that I never got off my lazy ass and went there. Shit, I've only made two trips to New York City in my life, and neither time did I make the effort to go see the club where some of my favorite bands have played.

For those of us living under a rock, CBGB was opened in 1973 by Hilly Kristal, who died yesterday after a long bout with lung cancer. He opened the club to have a place for Country and Bluegrass bands to perform but ended up catering to a growing punk rock crowd all through the 70's and 80's. Great Punk Rock bands such as The Ramones, The Talking Heads, Blondie, Patti Smith, and countless other aspiring rock bands spent time on-stage at CBGB.

I think, in honor of Mr. Kristal's memory, and the memory of CBGB and the musicians that played there... I will listen to EVERY album I have on my shelf that I can trace back there... we're talking the Police, Talking Heads, Ramones, and I'm sure I have a few others.

Shit, I guess I should go get some beer. All their music tends to make me want to drink and get crazy so I'm thinking skinny dipping will commence around noon.

http://video.on.nytimes.com/?fr_story=d074bc8eb4e3540be08d9e5233233322e4570156

See you at the pool!!!

Heitz

Millionaire dog

Check this out... Leona Helmsley, the witch that died earlier this month, left $12 million dollars in a trust fund to her dog, Trouble!!!

That's just frikkin' crazy folks... She also left two of her 4 grand kids out of her will saying "they know why".

But $12 million goes to Trouble. Hell, how old is this dog? It might only have a couple years left. She left $3 million dollars in a fund to steam-clean and wash her family mausoleum at least once per year. That's only a quarter of what she let the dog!

Hmmm... now, Anna Nicole Smith hooked up with that old geyser because he had money. I wonder who might be sick enough to go get romantic with this mutt for a chunk of that $12 million.

This just makes you wonder what the hell people are thinking some times. Even if this dog lived another 5 years let's say... that is a serious chunk of change to go through. What will they feed Trouble? I'm guessing 3 squares of beluga caviar per day should put a minor dent in that bank account.

CraZy!!!

So, what is it with politicians? And it's not like any of this is NEW... or at least it should not be. Going back to the Greeks and Persians, politicians have had a fondness for young men and sexually deviant behavior.

But lately, with the way our current media can get us the scoop in a matter of moments, it seems that our political leadership is like an Alto short of having an all-perv choir. They can tour the whole country, picking up young men in the front row of their gigs like a rock star would pick up a fat-bottomed girl.

The latest of course is Senator Larry Craig of Idaho. He apparently peered through the crack in a bathroom stall and made some indication that he wanted to "get it on". Now, he and his wife claim he is not, nor has he ever been, gay.

Hmmm... men having sex with men...

Sounds gay to me!

The best part is this... he said that his "guilty plea was a mistake." Wait a moment... the guilty plea was a mistake? Not the act of propositioning a plain-clothed police officer in a men's rest room? No, no mistake there huh?

The crazy thing is these guys just don't even get it. Going back to good ol' Bill Clinton's infamous "I did not have sex with that woman" line... Gimme a break... guys have a hard time keeping it in their pants, this is a well documented fact throughout history. In fact, most cultures look upon monogamy as a funny little joke... "what, all these beautiful women here and I can only choose ONE???" Good one, Allah!!!

I think no one would be as upset and bent about all this impropriety if these guys were just honest about it. So, you've fantasized about touching a man's bare ass? Big frikkin' deal... really, who cares?

Just be sure to keep it on THAT side of the fence, my friend... I don't want none of them gay cooties over here where my green grass is growing.

And lastly...

Well, this should be the kiss of death for any political campaign... Fidel Castro has dubbed a Clinton-Obama Presidential ticket as "invincible".

Two things here... first, It SHOULD be Obama-Clinton, thankyouverymuch...

Second... since when is Castro an expert on American Politics. Just because he is the last bastion of the red enemy... Communism folks... not the other red enemy... doesn't mean he can tell us what would work! Do us a favor, Fidel, and keep your political thoughts to yourself!

Now make nice and roll me another frikkin' stogie there Fidel... thanks...

Peace out...

Heitz

Great Ideas!!!

Dang... I almost wish I had a dog so I could have thought of this!

http://cgi.ebay.com/LOT-OF-falcons-michael-vick-CARDS-CHEWED-ON-BY-MY-DOG_W0QQitemZ200145651449QQihZ010QQcategoryZ215QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

This "artist" in Cape Girardeau, MO had her dog Monte chew up a batch of Mike Vick cards to list on eBay as "art". Well, check the link folks... she was hoping to raise awareness and maybe a cool hundred bucks or so to donate to the local animal shelter. The bidding is currently at $7300!!!

I gotta say, this is looking like a frikkin masterpiece... I mean, this rivals anything Dali did... Picasso, van Goh, they can all take a back seat...

Funniest thing here is... if Vick had gone on to a Hall of Fame career and never got involved in dog fighting, his rookie card would never have been worth that much!

Holy shit! Seriously, I have a few Vick cards... I could flush them down the toilet, then retrieve them from the drain pipes, and sell them... how's that sound? Maybe I could stick them with a shank made from a toothbrush... (Thanks Snoop for that image!!!) What would that go for? I'd even throw in the shank!!!

See, this is why I am destined for mediocrity... I always come up with the idea AFTER someone else has capitalized on it... The damn Post It notes? I was sticking paper to the fridge with saliva when I was 6 years old, dammit!

OK... moving on...

This was fun... read an article this morning about a "diaper-free movement". Apparently, there is a growing trend with people teaching their kids to use the potty basically from birth. They use non-verbal signals to indicate it's time to go.

The kid in the article, 13 month old Dominic Klatt in Sutton, MA basically goes to mommy and holds his wrist, which is the signal that he has to go potty.

Here's the best part...

She walks him over to a tree in the back yard, makes a "hissing" noise and BOOM! the kid pees on the tree! Now, I don't know what the signal is for #2... might be a finger in the bum-bum for all I know...

Honestly folks... I am all for it... I remember back in the day, my cousin Billy would take a crap anywhere. If there were leaves at hand, he'd be shitting. Why can't we go back to those days? No diaper rash to worry about... no messes to clean up... We were so care free!!!

All these damn closed doors...

What the hell are we all hiding? Do I really need to read a book on the shitter? Why can't I just squat under a tree, enjoy nature, and feed the earth with my waste? What could possibly be so bad about seeing folks bent over in the grass, relieving themselves?

Oh... it's what we call civilization?

I guess the Romans didn't invent indoor plumbing so we could all run around messing up our lovely gardens, huh?

Damn... sounded like such a great idea. And a real easy way to get out of a public intoxication charge...

"Honestly, officer... I don't know what the big deal is. I was raised diaper-free! I've been pissing in alleyways since I was 8 months old!!!"

Peace out...

Heitz

Road Kill

Is it just me, or does everyone get a little chill when they drive past some roadkill? Seriously, every time I drive past a dead raccoon, possum, squirrel, or anything else... I get a littel chill... can't help it... it's almost like that little critter's ghost is sitting there waiting for me to drive by.

I remember the first road kill I saw after moving here to Florida. I felt like I was in the pleistocene era or something. I had NO idea what this thing was.

It was bloated, gray, and looked like it was wearing plate armor.

I drove past it maybe six or seven times over the course of a week and still couldn't figure it out. It was way too big to be a rat... definitely not the usual squirrel or raccon or anything...

Then a buddy of mine said, "Oh, it's probably an armadillo."

An arma-frikkin-dillo??? They have those in Florida? I thought that was a Texas thing...I had no idea these things were all over the Southeast United States, for chrissakes!

Well, turns out, that is what it was. An armor plated rat... dead on the side of the road. Sounds like a mob hit or something...

Another kind of road kill was found last night on the side of a Chicago area highway... an abondoned Lamboughini... pretty much destroyed, and licensed to Lance Briggs of the Chicago Bears.

There's no word yet on whether the vehicle was reported stolen... I mean, it would have to be right? It had Illinois license plates in the trunk, but hat temporary Texas tags on it when it was found.

Crazy what you can find on the side of the road these days...

And finally, the Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki is telling American politicians to "butt out" of his countries political struggles. Gotta like the gratitude on this guy huh? I mean, we go in, depose Sadam Hussein, hand him the reins, and he tells us to butt out when things aren't going so well for him there.

Hmmm... maybe he has a point. Back to my blog last week about the border wall I proposed building around the entire middle east... maybe we SHOULD just listen to what this guy has to say and grant his wish.

Heitz

Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma!!!

Has anyone else seen one of my favorite Steve Martin movies, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels? If it weren't for that movie, I might have forgotten that Oklahoma even existed... Martin plays a con-man, and in one part of the movie he plays a semi-retarded character (Ruprecht the Monkey Boy) who needs a cork on his fork and an eye-patch to keep from poking his eye out...

So, I was a bit dumb-founded when reading this info coming out of Seattle:

http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/thebigblog/archives/120531.asp

Apparently, the group that bought the Seattle Supersonics has had an evil plan of moving the team from the great Northwest to... Oklahoma City!!!

Now, correct me if I am wrong... they still ride horses and shit there, don't they? I mean, am I crazy here to think there are enough people in the middle of nowhere to support an NBA Franchise?

OK, forget the fact that Charlotte and Milwaukee both have teams... they both suck. I guess having a team in Oklahoma City will get the redneck fans into the league. I can see it now... a stadium packed with cowboy boots, 10-Gallon hats, and big belt buckles... are we sure this isn't a rodeo?

Let's see... http://www.wikipedia.com/... hmmm... well, who knew? Apparently Oklahoma City is the 30th largest city in the country! Well, good for you Opie! I guess these Oklahoma money men would rather have their team close to home, NOT making money, than in a metropolitan area of over 3 million people... go figure... See, this is why I'll never be rich... I would NOT do stupid shit like put an NBA franchise in Oklahoma...

Dumbasses...

More news on the bridge collapse in Minneapolis... another head scratcher here... they are saying that pigeon dung led to advanced rusting of the bridge and MAY have led to the collapse.

WOW!

I guess we are really pulling out all the stops to point the finger somewhere, huh? I guess New York and Chicago are pretty much screwed as all our bridges must be ready to crumble. Anyone that has spent any time in those cities knows what pigeons are... rats with wings, folks.

I remember walking down LaSalle Street in Chicago one day... a Pigeon was flying right at me... I figured, "I'm 6'2"... solid like a brick wall over here... no way that pigeon ISN'T going to alter it's course..." Well, i was way wrong... it was like a Kamikaze dive bomber... hit me right in the middle of the chest. At least a half dozen folks stopped and stared... we were all like, "Holy Shit! Did that pigeon just fly right into your chest???"

Pigeons are crazy... point taken... maybe they have some sinister plot to collapse all the bridges in the world and shit on our heads as we are all panicked and sitting in traffic. Who knows?

Or maybe... just maybe... they are Al Qaida pigeons...

Dangerous thoughts folks...

I'm locking my doors... see you Monday...

goddam pigeons...

Heitz... Out...

Ass Whuppin & Dead Folks

Something happened in the world of sports that only a couple of people on the planet might have witnessed before...

The Texas Rangers scored 30 runs in a game yesterday... You read that right... and this was NOT the Dallas Cowboys playing football against the Baltimore Ravens. This was the Texas Rangers baseball team spanking the snot out of the Orioles by a score of 30-3.

That is one serious ass whipping... I mean, that is on the order of Jason Bourne beating the snot out of folks... except, instead of using a pencil this time he had a baseball bat. Could you imagine???

The last time a team scored more runs in a game was like 1897 or something! That is a seriously long ass time ago.

This has been an interesting baseball season and this just adds to the story... I mean, we have Barry Bonds and the whole steroid issue taking over the home run crown... the Philadelphia Phillies are the first professional sports franchise to reach 10,000 losses (yup, you read that right... TEN THOUSAND LOSSES!!!)... and the Cubs are fighting for the playoffs. These things just do not happen every day folks.

Personally, I think the baseball season is WAY too long, but the beauty of the moment last night is that this was a LAST PLACE team posting 30 runs in a game. How embarrassing has that gotta be for the Orioles? Giving up that kind of performance, at home, across the street from where the Ravens play, one of the most dominant NFL defenses. According to ESPN.com the Ravens have not allowed 30 points in one game sine back in 2005!

Well, the one thing I know fr sure is that NONE of the Orioles got any loving last night when they got home. To make matters worse, they lost the 2nd game of the double header as well.

I sense a domestic battery call coming any moment from their pitching coach's house...

In other news...

This is just more fuel to the fire for me... I will NOT be buried... just torch me and scatter my ashes in the South End Zone at Soldier Field, please.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/08/22/morgue.suit.ap/index.html

This guy was in prison for posing corpses in various every-day life and the county is now paying up over $8 million dollars in damages. He was working on an art project and decided to use corpses in the morgue where he worked... he posed them with everything from fruit to doll house furniture and took his photos.

I guess the only real reason this is an issue is that these photos probably found their way on the Internet at some point. OR, maybe he made some money ff it, and did no kick back some royalties. Who knows... it certainly could have been worse though when you think about it... there were no charges of necrophilia so at least we can entertain the hope that he kept it in his pants.

And last but certainly not least...

Two former Tampa city employees... former Housing Chief Steve LaBrake and his wife Lynn... both are serving jail time for corruption and bribery convictions after taking bribes to grant construction contracts in exchange for a discounted construction contract to build their own home...

Well, it turns out that they both feel they are entitled to their Pensions when they are released from Prison in a couple years and are filing lawsuits to that effect.

So, what part of this don't they get? Let's see... they defrauded the city and it's citizens; they were convicted of their crimes and are serving jail time; and NOW they expect the taxpayers to pay them when they get out of prison???

Holy shit... that takes balls folks... big balls of steel... Granted, they won't get a dime. But the cajones it takes to even think you are going to come out publicly and demand your money and say things like, "...a despicable and malicious act of reneging on an employment contract with two of the BEST and MOST PRODUCTIVE employees the City of Tampa was ever fortunate enough to employ..."

WOW!

This guy must drink his radiator fluid straight out of the bottle... probably pisses razor blades and thinks it tickles!

I don't know what alternate reality this guy is living in, but I'd like to spend an hour or two there just to see what it's like...

"Yo, George W... Gimme that briefcase... here we go... WHEEEEEE!!!!"

Seriously... must be some great LSD in the prison oatmeal...

Heitz...

Out...

Ugh.... Coffee Good... Newspaper Thief Bad...

Alright, as anyone who has been paying attention knows, I love to read my Tampa Tribune with my morning Starbucks. It's like my morning mojo builder.

Well, this morning I grab the paper, get my cup of Joe, and head home... only to find out someone had swiped all the GOOD sections of the paper. All I have in my hands is the "FLAVOR" section, the classifieds, and the Wednesday South Tampa special... no sports, no front page... no NEWS!!! What the hell is going on in the world?!?!?!

Shit...

Well, let's see what we have here...

Hey, look at that... I can relive my college days of picking up fat-bottomed girls at T-Birds in Carbondale, IL... Styx and Foreigner are opening up for Def Leppard this Friday night!!! SWEET MERCY!!! Let's see if I can find some Izod shirts and tight fitting jeans that I can tear holes in so I can fit in.

Hmmm... A craft fair at the state fairgrounds? Sounds like something my mom would like. Maybe I'll go just to pick her something out for Christmas.

Man, this SUCKS ass not having the real news. I guess that's why Al Gore invented the Internet...

Whoever that newspaper bandit is, I'm gunning for you. Frikkin' bastards...

I guess the problem with Internet news is you don't know what you are getting. I mean, seriously... I found this picture on the site for the Miami Herald... no article... just the picture... I'm thinking there is some serial killer out there impaling peoples heads with mannequin legs... or maybe it's a new Kung Fu technique... I just don't know!

OK... I'm over it...

Moving on to more important stuff...

Like FOOTBALL!!!

I found an article on the NY Times site about the underhanded slap tossed out by Tiki Barber at his former NY Giants QB, Eli Manning. Barber said that Manning was "uncomfortable" with leadership. Apparently, Manning has some of his older brothers sense of humor as is reply was “I’m just happy for Tiki that he’s making a smooth transition to the media.”

OUCH! I guess when you play in the Big Apple you are used to the Media and the fact that there is no loyalty.

Well, time to finish this coffee and NOT read my paper... ... here's to happier times... with my frikkin paper...

Heitz

Viagra for Sickos!

Alright... now this little blurb in the paper really incenses me... I don't know what the HELL the French are thinking, but this is ridiculous...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/08/19/france.pedophile.reut/index.html

The good news is, French prisons are getting rid of their early release program for pedophiles until the get to the bottom of this. Basically, some prison doctor was prescribing Viagra to convicted sex offenders!!! I thought we were all going for a chemical castration solution to all these sick bastards!

I can't even imagine the thought process that was going on in this doctors head...

"So, Jean-Luke... What are you in for?"

"I touched my 4 year old nephew..."

"hmmmm... take this little blue pill, eeet will make you feeeel better!!!"

Yeah, I'm sure it went something like that. Some day, I think society will really get over their fear of violence and just start killing these sick bastards right away. I mean, seriously, have you ever heard of a pedophile that was released from jail and did NOT go back to attacking children?

Find them guilty, give them one chance to appeal (just to make sure the DNA matches... don't want that coming up later!) and put two slugs in the back of their head.

That's my solution...

Speaking of violence... video game violence is news worthy pretty much any day of the week. An article in the NY Times is talking about how many states are STILL trying to pass laws banning the sale of violent video games to children.

Now, I am a HUGE fan of video games... but not necessarily just violent games. So I am looking at this from a couple angles.

First off, the ESRB which is the group that assigns ratings to video games based on violent content, adult material, etc... has done a fantastic job of grading games as either for "Everyone", "M for Mature", etc... Their rating system is pretty strong and I challenge you to send an 8 year old into a local EB Games to try and buy an M rated game. I've seen kids turned away on countless occasions.

The bottom line is, it's up to the parents to make sure the kids know right from wrong. And it's up to the parents to decide what their child should and should not be playing. Turning the PS2 on and leaving the child to their own devices should NOT be an option folks.

But it raises another interesting point in this debate. Violence is a part of life... The first legal precedent for defending the value of violent games came from Judge Richard A. Posner of the United States Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit in 2001. He equated the content of violent video games to the violent content contained in such masterpieces as "War and Peace" or Homer's "The Odyssey" and pointed out that such content plays a strong part in a child's development of right and wrong and their social and political outlook.

Imagine the story of 300, the Spartans who stood firm in the face of a massive Persian army, now on DVD... but starting out with children that were sheltered from violence. The Persians would have rolled right through and we'd all be paying homage to an 8 foot tall fruit-cake with earrings in his cheek.

Or what about the Wild West? Imagine a 12 year old in say Oklahoma in 1850 NOT knowing how to handle a rifle. That's right, it's unimaginable because it hasn't been until the past 50 years or so that the notion of violence was taboo.

So, let's all hike up our skirts you politicians looking for some publicity... and let the kids do what kids do... and that is grow up!

Finally, the Chicago Bears beat the Colts last night like they SHOULD have in Super Bowl 41 (sorry... not sure about them Roman Numerals.)

Rex Grossman looked pretty much like he did in the Super Bowl. He fumbled 3 times and threw an awful interception. I hate to say it, as I have supported him all along, but I just don't think he "gets" it. Ask yourself, when was the last time Peyton Manning fumbled a snap? Heck, forget Manning as he is the measuring stick... when was the last time Drew Brees fumbled a snap? How about Brian Griese? Maybe Matt Leinart?

What doesn't seem to happen with other QBs (marquee names and otherwise) seems to happen regularly with Grossman. He throws off the back foot and into coverage way too much and can't seem to hang onto the ball.

My prediction... if he cannot correct those FUNDAMENTAL issues... he will be 2nd string by week 6.

Other than that, the team looked pretty solid... I think I'm gonna have fun watching this year! :)

Peace out...

Heitz

Don't Have Sex with the Bears

Good Morning & Happy Monday!!!

Just a couple quick items before we get to the meat and potatoes today...

Just found this out... I live like 2 blocks from Hulk Hogan's high school! How frikkin cool is that?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/08/20/bear.death.reut/index.html

It used to be, we could get by with signs that say "DON'T FEED THE BEARS". Now, apparently we need to remind people that attempting to have intercourse with a Bear... yes, a real, live, BEAR... could end up with you getting killed.

Now, we don't know for sure what happened to this Serbian man that was found half-eaten in the bear cages in a zoo in Belgrade, but what we do know is that his clothes were intact and left in the cage. I doubt a bear will have the ability to undress a man before eating him, so we can likely assume the man undressed himself.

According to the article, "Local media reported that police found several mobile phones inside the cage, as well as bricks, stones and beer cans."

So, I'm gonna hazard a guess here... his buddies got him roaring drunk and DARED him to strip and get in with the bears for a photo op. When the bears started eating him, they started throwing whatever they could get their hands on at the bears.

Just an FYI to all my "friends" out there... if you EVER dare me to get in a cage with a Bear... I won't be your friend anymore... let's just leave it at that, shall we?

On to more important stuff...

A couple articles in the paper this morning caught my attention... both of them were regarding my favorite Presidential candidate since Ross Perot! Gotta love them ears, bro...

Barrack Obama has been criticized most for not being "black" enough and for his lack of experience.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but NONE of the candidates has requisite experience as leader of the free world. The only way we will have a candidate running in this election with experience is if they lift the term limits and allow George W to run again.

Personally, I feel that Obama's lack of "experience" is a good thing. What these career politicians are referring to is that Obama is NOT a career politician like the rest of them. Clinton has been involved in politics for years, being married to good ol' Bill while he was Governor of Arkansas and then President. There is no other solid Democratic Candidate that can claim to NOT be a lifetime politician.

The problem with "lifers" is that they have no fresh ideas. They are so used to the status quo that they don't even realize how identical they all are. Huckabee, Clinton, McCain... they are all the same... None will ever admit to anything that might tarnish their image. Now, go back and read Obama's books and tell me if he did drugs. We don't have to guess whether he inhaled...

As Robin Williams said in the Documentary Man of the Year (paraphrasing here a bit...)

Well, I figured if I was going to smoke it I may as well inhale... by the way, I also farted back there...

Is it too much to ask for some sincere honesty with our leaders?

The other issue is whether or not Obama is "black" enough...This is the criticism leveled at him from the African Americans in our country that feel he is too "white" since he is Harvard educated and appears to be a favorite of white liberals.

A great column in the Miami Herald this morning really hit that issue on the head. Obama showed up 10 minutes late for an address with the National Association of Black Journalists... his reason... he told them he was on CP Time... This produced some laughter and they got on with the show...

What is CP Time, you ask?

Why, that stands for Colored People Time... meaning they can show up 10 minutes late to anything...

Look it up...

Yup, Obama is certainly black enough for me.

Peace Out...

Heitz

Border Walls and Bush

I usually try to avoid these real incendiary topics, but what the hell... after another couple hundred Iraqis were killed earlier this week, and an article I saw in this morning Trib, I figured it's time to tell people how they should feel on the Middle East.

This kids TV show pretty much illustrates what is happening over there:

http://www.mcclatchydc.com/226/story/18887.html

A Mickey Mouse clone is used to appeal to little kids while a sweet little 11 Year Old girl goes on and on about how every Palestinian should be proud to be a martyr. Obviously, the problems we are facing in Iraq go much deeper than Kurds vs. Sunni's; Sunni's vs. Shiites; America vs. Everyone else... the whole region over there is flooded with "they are infidels and should leave our land" or "they are the devil, kill them and go to heaven"...

With so much at stake, and I'm not just talking about George W's favorite beverage of choice... that sweet, bubblin' crude... I'm talking about the safety and security of the Western World for the next millenia here... we need to come up with a solution to this problem.

Now, before you all start thinking I am looking for a nice little Nazi Pogrom or something... I have a little more creativity than herding people like cattle into trains.

We already have the technology in place to construct a wall around the entire middle east as I have laid out in this diagram.

Now, we build a wall around the region and basically say,

"Here ya go, you are locked in... make of it what you will. Kill yourselves off or figure out how to get along. Oh yeah, we'll let you out in 100 years. Not a day sooner."

I figure, Israel has already constructed a wall like this, and the US is doing the same at the Mexican border. I say, let the Mexicans in! I love them guys & gals... Seriously, Eva Mendes and Selma Hayek can swing by my place ANY TIME! They are our neighbors! Let's We should learn to love them and get along nicely. I say, dismantle the wall at our southern border and ship it in sections to the middle east and we have a start. We take the Israeli wall and add it to ours...

In case you are wondering, I am walling Israel in with the rest of the wackos as they are as guilty and fucked up as the rest of them.

Now, in 100 years, either we will find a bombed out region with very little life left... in which case, we dub the area New York City Junior and start a new revitalization effort. OR, we will find that someone inside the walls got the rest of the people to listen and get along with one another.

Personally, I think it will come out like the classic movie, Escape from New York. But if I have to watch another 500 people die in car bomb attacks and feel like I should give a shit... well, I'm gonna be pretty upset about that.

In other news...

BUSH GETS SOME!!!

Now, this is not the Bush you are all thinking of... but one of the Bush TWINS is getting hitched. I know, this is a sad day for all the partyers out there that thought they could throw a few beer bongs her way and get into the White House inner circle by way of a Paternity test.

Well, Jenna Bush is now officially engaged to her long time boyfriend, whose name is not important enough for me to look up.

More importantly, where was this guy when the First Twins were partying like rock stars?

I'm thinking he was just created in a lab somewhere in the past couple years so we won't really be able to find out anything about him.

Good luck with the nuptials, Bush Chick!

Heitz... out...

When Bats Attack!

So much for making a comeback to the big leagues...

Jose Offerman, a longtime Major league baseball player, was arrested after attacking a pitcher in a game with his baseball bat. Now, anyone who follows baseball has seen countless dumb asses charge the mound. Who can forget a young Robin Ventura of the White Sox getting his ass handed to him by an aging Nolan Ryan back in 1993?

Now, in Offerman's defense, the pitcher did hit him with a fastball. In the calf... And I guess Offerman hit a home run his first time at bat, so he clearly had a beaning coming... in the calf...

Hmmmm... If I was a pitcher, and I really wanted to send a message (say to Barry Bonds in his ear-hole) I doubt I'd throw at a guys feet. Call me silly, but what kind of message is that sending? What are we trying to teach our kids with that one?

The Old Testament says an eye for an eye, right? Well, you hit a homer off me, I go after your big toe. Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it.

Needless to say, Offerman was charged with assault and released on bail. I don't think he's going to be coming up to the big leagues any time soon. But at the ripe old age of 38, he's probably better suited for his retirement home anyways.

I think the best part of this whole story is Offerman's response... typical dumb-ass... he's on film running to the mound with a bat in his hand swinging it at a guy's head. What does he say?

"I don't mean to hit him. I was facing the pitcher and I never went to hit the guy."

Now, I think he was referring to the catcher, who was behind Offerman... but still, you are swinging a bat at people and not intending to hit someone? Puhhhh-lease.... The best quote though came from former teammate Torii Hunter in Minnesota:

"Some people snap. Was it hot there, or something? Did the guy say something about his mama? You take a bat out there, you can get blackballed from baseball. That's deep."

Seriously, if you talk about someone's mama, the gloves come off. And the bat comes out...

Duct Tape Bandit Caught!

I know we were all living in fear of this guy... in the long line of brain-surgeons turned petty criminals, this guy ranks right up there.

Apparently, his disguise was a roll of duct tape. No shit... he wrapped his head in duct tape to hide his identity. I guess Wal-Mart was out of Spider Man ski masks...

Of course, the convenience store owner whipped out a duct tape covered baseball bat (here we go with more bat attacks!) and proceeded to beat the snot out of the would be bandit.

According to the street, wrapping the end of your baseball bat with duct tape makes it easier to clean the blood off as it does not soak into the wood.

I wonder if Jose Offerman knew about that little trick.

Peace out...

Heitz

Small Town BS, Fetishes, Christina Applegate

Ahhh... the struggles of small towns to get noticed really wakes me up in the morning!

http://www.sptimes.com/2007/08/15/Pasco/Burned_popcorn_clears.shtml

No bomb threats... no masked gunmen... nope, what passes for news in Brooksville, FL (about an hour north of Tampa) is that someone burned some popcorn in the 3rd floor microwave and the building had to be evacuated.

Seriously, folks... If you have NOTHING going on, don't waste my time with burned frikkin' popcorn.

I mean come on! We have a hurricane forming that MIGHT be here in a a few days... then again it might not be... might go south... or around us or something... Back to school is going on right? Can't we talk about that? I mean, I don't have kids but I NEED to know when the school buses are running so I can plan my Starbucks trips accordingly. There is NOTHING worse than getting stuck behind a school bus in this area. Not only are they SLOW, but they always drop the kids off on the wrong side of the street... look out for the munchkins!!! Please don't run them over... that happens way too damn much...

Isn't there an Amber Alert we need to know about? Florida seems to lead the charge when it comes to those... seems to be way too many child molesters per capita here for my liking. I doubt I'll be raising kids down here for that reason alone (well, and the damn school buses). I'd rather move to Brooklyn or back to Chicago and raise kids where I know they will be safe!

Speaking of dirt bags and deviants...

Tampa hosted its 4th consecutive FetishCon... an annual expo for Sexual Fetishes and the industry that supports them. OK, maybe dirtbag is a bit of a misnomer here... I mean, looking at some of the pictures from the expo, there are some AMAZING looking women... granted they are dressed in shower curtains with steel spikes through their noses, but damn they are fine!

Of course, my luck would be to find out I have most in common with Pinhead here... Seriously, I pray to God this is not a Bears fan... I have a weak spot for chicks that like football.

One dirt... errr... I mean Fetish-Fan that was NOT in attendance was Karl Kaechele... Karl who you say?

Well, Karl K. is the pervert that was arrested in April 2005 in Detroit after taking a "Sex Tourism Trip" through Southeast Asia to have sex with children. He pleaded guilty Monday to the charges against him so he will be in the slammer for a while. Turns out, he was not only travelling the world having sex with children, he was photographing it and kept a very detailed journal.

Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but if I am going to break the law I'll be damned if I'm gonna keep notes.

"Good morning diary... I woke up feeling ambitious... I think I will load my gun and go rob the bank on 5th Street. And while I am at it, I'll carjack a black 2006 Nissan Altima to make my get away. See ya later! XOXOXO"

Yeah right... As Ron said in the 2nd Harry Potter movie... "How thick could ya get???" It's like a confession before the cops even ask for one.

I guess though if Hitler and his cronies had not kept such meticulous records we might not ever have found out about their "Jewish Question" now would we? So, from that standpoint I guess we should be thankful that megalomaniacs and dirtbags alike feel the need to record their exploits.

Finally... two happy notes!

I forgot to wish Steve Martin a HAPPY BIRTHDAY yesterday! The guy who brought us The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, and that crazy SNL skit with the "Two Wild and Crazy Guys!!!" is WAY older than me AND he just got married! Way to go Steve!!!

And finally! Christina Applegate is SINGLE!!! Yeah, baby!!! Come to daddy... I've had the hots for her since the good Ol' Kelly Bundy days... had a couple posters of her in my Frat house back in college, and NOW she is single and on the market... Now all I gotta do is sweep her off her feet and get this party started... aww yeah....

Now to make some money...

For my baby girl...

Who loves, ya Christina?

That's right... I do...

xoxoxo

Peace Out

Heitz

No love for Vick

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Death Makeover and More!

Well, well, well... I guess all the publicity stunts in the world can't add up to this one...

Reading the Trib this morning and Santa Muerte, the Mex-USA Church's patron Saint, apparently is having a makeover. I guess the traditional image of a skeleton carrying a large scythe and covered in black robes is no longer good enough for death. He now has to appear more mainstream to attract followers.

According to the article, the new image will be of a "woman with a porcelain face, brown shoulder length hair, and long, thin fingers."

BOO!!!

Well, not sure what you all think but I won't be scared of that image... I may want to date her, but she ain't scaring me much.

Now, of all the makeover choices they can go with, why this one? They want a kinder, gentler Death apparently. Not much foot traffic coming in when you have a skeleton hanging in the window I guess. But it begs the question, if you are not looking to be a mainstream organization (I mean, you worship Death for crying out loud!), what exactly is the goal here? Are they trying to say we should not fear death?

Is Death going on tour? Maybe the talk show circuit? Could you imagine Death sitting there with The View or Oprah talking about his childhood?

Death: "It all started when I was pulling the heads off flies when I was 4 years old..."

Oprah: "Oh, you poor thing... where was daddy?"

I guess though, if raising money is an issue, they should go with an image people can at least relate to. I mean, sure we all HAVE skeletons (under our skin AND in our closets!)... but there's a good reason our skin covers them. They ain't too attractive. I was thinking... who else should undergo a makeover?

Maybe Santa Claus? How about Tiger Woods? Any other iconic figures we can think of? Maybe I'll get one... I got that gap toothed thing going on that would be nice to take care of and I wouldn't mind having smaller feet I guess.

Quick Hitting news...

Couple brief ones here...

http://www.wsoctv.com/news/13868746/detail.html

This kid is already in training... for what you say? I think this kid will be the next great stuntman! I wanted to be a stuntman when I was a kid... no wait, I think I just like jumping off shit. I can't remember... too many blows to the head I think.

Either way, this kid has balls of steel, I'm tellin' ya... 5 years old, locked in his room by mommy and daddy, and he jumps out the window to become a hunter/scavenger. Talk about going back to your roots! More impressive would have been if he had picked the lock and snuck through the house to the fridge... but still, jumping out a window to feed yourself is pretty damn cool.

Finally, it appears that East German border guards had orders to "shoot to kill" anyone that was trying to escape to West Germany back in the hey days of the Iron Curtain and Berlin Wall.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/13/world/europe/13germany.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Now, call me stupid, but if you are shooting at someone you pretty much have the intention of killing them right? I mean who ever heard of "shoot to maim"? How about "shoot to injure"?

Here's a tip for anyone reading... if you are in a place that is surrounded by a wall with barbed wire and has guard towers... expect to get shot if you attempt to go over, around, under, or through that barrier. It may not be right, but those guys have guns for a reason.

A little common sense goes a long way towards NOT getting shot...

Peace out!

Heitz

Coke Lines and Zoo Poo

Folks, this is a disturbing trend...

http://www.miamiherald.com/548/story/198527.html

Apparently, cocaine use in the past 6 months is dropping to 10 year lows based on the number of positive drug test results. I don't know what to say... but COME ON PEOPLE!!! Are we not NUMBER ONE at everything we do? This is embarrassing...

Now that I think about it... they are talking about a 6 month trend in dropping cocaine use. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Sub-Prime mortgage meltdown has been going on for 6 months. Company after company closing it's doors.

Now, this is just a guess, but I'm thinking that all us "high" paid Account Executives in the mortgage industry MIGHT have something to do with the lack of cocaine use going on right now. Since thousands of those 6-Figure people are now sitting by the pool with no job, they probably had to resort to less expensive means of getting a high... like beer. I'm sure the same thing was true after the stock market collapse in 1929...

Until we can come up with a new crop of highly paid individuals that need unlimited amounts of energy each day, we are doomed to a society of slowing drug use. I'm sure the energy drink companies are feeling the crunch as well... hell, I used to pour Red Bull in my Lucky Charms to get going in the morning! Now, a cup of coffee is all I need.

Sad days indeed...

ZOO POO!!!

Seriously, this is cool... and my guess is that the local zoo here in Tampa is a little behind the times... they are finally SELLING poo from the large herbivores as a compost mix, toilet training tool, and God only knows what else!

Before we know it, they will have an Herbivore Excrement body rub down at the local salon for all those house wives to feel like new! Actually, they'll probably feel like a Kalahari bush-woman as opposed to a South Tampa urbanite living the good life. they CLAIM that the zoo poo has no odor, but anyone that has been to the circus and seen an elephant lay a heaping helping of steamy goodness knows it don't smell good.

At any rate, for a non-profit zoo like Lowry Park Zoo here in Tampa (or even Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago) this has to make sense. I know about the failed experiments with making "clay" figurines... went sour when little children decided to chew on their new "toy". Building houses out of it only works in the bush in Africa or maybe parts of our Southwestern US.

I say, what the hell! Go buy a few gallons of elephant poo. Spread it around your yard and before ya know it you'll have a tribe of Namibian bushmen camping out after being displaced by civil war. If nothing else, they'll make sure the Raccoons stay out of your trash.

On a final note... I want everyone to cross their fingers for me... I am opening up an eBay store called Suncoast DVD. Trying to make sure that if the mortgage industry does do a swan dive into an empty pool, that I am prepared for the worst. If you are an eBay buyer, keep your eyes open for me... I'll be setup shortly!

Thanks!

Heitz

J&J Out to Rule the World

Who knew? Seriously, did any of you know that Johnson & Johnson, one of the largest companies in the world, owns the trademark to the image of a Red Cross?

Apparently, Johnson & Johnson (J&J) and the American Red Cross have had an agreement in place for years to allow the Red Cross to use the image. Somehow, this agreement has imploded and J&J is suing the American Red Cross for infringement and wants to take over any inventories of retail items bearing the Red Cross on them.

On thing I read bugged me... this agreement has been in place since 1895!!! Holy crap... so, the whole time the Red Cross was involved in World War I, World War II, Korea, Vietnam, and any other conflict zone (whether the US had troops there or not) is being pushed aside because J&J wants EXCLUSIVITY now on a symbol... the very symbol that is the name of the organization they are suing!

Does this make sense to anyone? If so, please help me out... I looked in my medicine cabinet, and sure enough I had a box of Band-Aid's in there... J&J brand, of course... Can anyone else point out the Red Cross on the package to me please? I don't see it... never mind, I'm sure it's there... I mean, if it's not then what the hell are we fighting over? A symbol J&J is NOT using in their branding? Nahhhh, they wouldn't fight over something so trivial....

Or would they?

Bastards...

True Love!!!

So, I'm in my regular Starbucks this morning getting my Venti cup o' kick in the ass.... Jess, the Barista/Manager/Resident Bada$$ there always gives me a good natured hard time. It's kinda like a Laurel & Hardy skit when I go in...

"MIKE! How ya doin'?"

"Hey Jess... not sure yet... still early... you tell me..."

"Well, I think yer doin' JUST FINE!!!"

"Really? Flippin' sweet!!! Much better than having a bad day!" ;)

That's how I get in my good mood every morning... Jess just TELLS me I'm doing good. Done...

So, this morning she says, "ya know what you need? A woman that will tell you what to do, when to do it, and basically just boss you around so you don't have to think for yourself."

Now, part of me is almost certain she was just kidding. I mean, free will frikkin' rules, right? But then I started thinking about it as I was driving home...

What kind of woman would I find on, say, eHarmony.com if my 29 dimensions of Compatibility all said I wanted you to run my life and tell me what to do? I'm almost tempted to setup a bogus profile and find out...

OK... so has anyone else ever even gone to eHarmony.com? My first thought was "HOLY CRAP, THEY ARE RUINING MARRIAGES!!!"... on the main page, there are two tabs... Single & Married. I got the hell outta there... frikkin Homewreckers is what they are!

I guess though that if I did go through with my experiment I might end up with something like Danielle the Dominatrix here. I'm told she's a woman, but I'm pretty damn sure she could kick the tar out of me if push came to shove...

Heitz

BFE - I'm Back!

When I started college in the fall of 1987, I remember seeing a TV commercial for a local car dealership and thinking to myself, "I couldn't be any further from civilization than I am now."

I believe it was one of the Ford or Chevy dealers in Southern Illinois, and basically it was two guys... one driving a pickup and the other guy had 2x4's strapped to his feet and was being pulled through a corn field like he was water skiing. Needless to say, I have NEVER forgotten that commercial and how the lifestyle in small town Southern Illinois was so vastly different than growing up in Chicago.

So, any time I see an article like the one I am about to relate, I just imagine I am stuck in a deserted area with nothing around me but frikkin yokels marrying their first cousins and having 3 armed babies.

The headline says: Dogs' Owner Protests His Arrest

Turns out, Tim Sexton stated that the 17 Golden Retrievers in his home were "coated in fecal matter and urine" but that he shouldn't have been arrested for it. "When a puppy eats, it poops. It eats and poops, eats and poops."

Thanks for the lesson in digestive systems there Tim. Apparently, he was trying to start a business breeding Golden Retrievers out of his small home in Tampa. No outdoor setup for the dogs, no cages, no organization... just him, a roommate (who of course he blames for not cleaning up after the dogs) and 17 dogs "pooping" all over the place.

I wish the death penalty was applicable in cases like this. Just end this guys life of suffering. He obviously is not equipped with the same "life radar" the rest of us have.

And all I can think about is two rednecks water skiing through a cornfield... ugh...

Breasts Are Good!

Another story i read this morning linking Breast Implants to increased Suicide rates. Personally, I am a HUGE fan of reporters who do no research whatsoever and publish an alarmist article. the unnamed reporter in this LA Times piece has 5 paragraphs linking breast implants to mental disorders, suicide, and other issues. Then, in the FINAL sentence they state "the latest study analyzed data from 3,527 Swedish women who got implants between 1965 and 1993"... OK, I have two problems here...

First, can we NOT get some more recent data? I mean, hell I graduated college in 1993. Damn, I'm frikkin getting old. I'd be happy with data through 2000 or so if they could do that.

Second, Swedish women? Doing a quick check of some data on Google comes up with a number of articles on Sweden and their growing problem with suicides. You see, Sweden has one of the highest suicide rates in the world looking at First World countries.

Thinking about that a step further... Swedish women are known (rightly or not) for being well endowed, beautiful, long blonde hair... oh yeah... who can forget the Swedish bikini team???

So, my thoughts are, any Swedish woman that needs to get breast implants to match up to the competition in Sweden... well, they are probably facing confidence problems already, maybe even some psychological disorders after years of having smaller breasts than their friends. These women may have committed suicide whether they had breast implants or not, is my point.

I'm gonna offer up my services on this one... this is for the whole world, and I'm gonna do my part. Any Swedish woman with implants that is even THINKING about suicide, come visit me and let me see if I can change your mind. Keep the line moving... I'm sure this will be a long week...

Finally... on a very twisted note... I came across an article about people posting pictures of missing people on dating web sites in order to attract a mate. Apparently, the images of Jennifer Kesse were posted recently on a few dating web sites to lure people to respond to these lonely folks... I won't post her picture here, but will paste a link to a web site... she has been missing January of 2006...

http://jenniferkesse.com/

Is it just me or is this just patently ridiculous to post a picture of someone who is missing for 18 months, quite possibly dead at this point, and claim that the picture is you in the effort to dupe some unsuspecting people into dating you? Same rule applies as to that guy with the dogs...

Death penalty... and forget about years on death row. We can save the tax payers a LOAD of cash and clean up humanity quickly with one slug from a .45.

George W., get it done!!!

Heitz