Well, I think this Stephen Colbert from Comedy Central may be onto something here. I've been reading his book 'I Am America (And So Can You!)' and just finished the chapter on religion. There was a reference to a 'Religion Randomizer' on his website:
I said, what the heck? I was baptised Presbyterian (which is one step away from a Methodist I guess, except we learned 'trespasses' in the Lord's Prayer instead of 'debts'... I think... ain't prayed in a while...) but other than weddings and baptisms I couldn't tell you the last time I went to church.
Oh wait... sure I can... I was in college dating a bible banger. Yeah, I know... Her name was Heidi. Can you imagine if we were married? Shit, not only would I be going to church every week, but her name would be Heidi Heitz. Jesus, just slap a Swastika on my shoulder now and point me to Berlin.
Anyways, that didn't last long... dumped me for an Air Force ROTC guy that looked exactly like me. Except in uniform. Go figure.
So, I went to the website to get my new Religion. I figured, what the hell? Why not see what it gives me. The result?
Baha'ism!!!
Honestly? I had to look it up on Wikipedia. I had no frikkin clue what it was. BUT, the goo
d news is, it sounds kinda cool! Muslims hate it, as to Christians apparently as the followers are persecuted everywhere. It preaches the Unity of Mankind, Unity of God, and Gender Equality. Hmmm... sounds pretty damn fair to me. I've long felt that God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and all the other 'Gods' out there were all one in the same, so this religion actually makes sense to me. I don't know what this symbol is, but it represents something important so I thought I'd put it right about here...
d news is, it sounds kinda cool! Muslims hate it, as to Christians apparently as the followers are persecuted everywhere. It preaches the Unity of Mankind, Unity of God, and Gender Equality. Hmmm... sounds pretty damn fair to me. I've long felt that God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and all the other 'Gods' out there were all one in the same, so this religion actually makes sense to me. I don't know what this symbol is, but it represents something important so I thought I'd put it right about here...Notable followers of Baha'ism?
Dizzy Gillespie
OK... so that was the only one I could find that I ever heard of, but still! It's WAY cooler than Scientology! AND, I get to wear a cool hat, I think. All the pictures I see have cool multi-colored hats. I just hope I can get away with putting a Chicago Bears logo on there somewhere to show my TRUE religious allegiance.
Also, there's something about a 19-Day Feast that sounds promising... it's like Thanksgiving on HGH. AND, I get an ID card...
I'm frikkin SOLD! Uhhh... Shit... It looks like there are only three Baha'i places in the US as far as I can tell. Two in Chicago and one in DC. OK, so that will just mean I'm on my own... pretty much how I feel anyways, right?
And BONUS!!! There are three obligatory prayers that must be said each day... BUT, an exemption can be made for those of ill health. I guess I need to send them the MRI photos of my L4-L5-S1 lumbar injuries so they can forward that to God so I don't burn in Hell for not praying three times per day.
SWEET!!!
Anyways... thank you Stephen Colbert for showing me the true path. Even though you are Catholic, since I now believe in the Unity of God & Mankind, it's almost exactly like we are all Catholic... or Baha'i... or whatever... all at the same time!
Peace out
Heitz
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