Happy Saturday!

Well, I feel a little lazy for not making my daily rounds here for you on time this week, so I figured I'd go camp out at Starbucks for a little while. Not a bad choice, I tell ya... Saturday morning talent is not bad.

It's been a crazy week in the life of Heitz. The mortgage business is still in it's "implosion state"; the Bears lost Sunday night which of put me in a funk to start the week off; and Summer is officially over! Shit... I live in Florida, it's summer every damn day!

On top of all that, I have been trying to find time to work on a couple other projects, one being a novel. The problem is, if I don't write every day (and I haven't been) I lose track of the story! You would think that wouldn't happen since it's my story, but well, that's my story...

On top of all that, I am considering ANOTHER career change. With the demise of the mortgage and real estate industry, I am considering re-inventing myself yet again. I figure what would a decade be without two career changes, right?

So, with that in mind, I am going... SHOPPING!!! God, if only I were gay and shouted that out in a sing-songy kinda voice, huh? Classic...

I figure I have worked for FIFTEEN different companies since graduating college, and in that entire time I have owned a grand total of TWO dress suits. WOW! I actually had to break out my resume and try and recall the five companies NOT listed on it because they are so long ago. Now, I am also counting jobs such as when I worked as a bouncer in Chicago to make extra money, and my job at the MALL here in Tampa when I first moved here to ensure I could feed myself. Not really going to ever put those on a resume but they come up from time to time.

So I'm thinking "WHAT THE HELL!" and I'm gonna buy me a couple suits. Of course, suits are good for interviewing in; and you just never know... all these years of business casual MAY have just been holding me back. Maybe I have not been discovered as David Letterman's successor because I dress like a bum. WHO KNOWS? I mean, how many late night hosts sit around on the air in shorts and flip flops?

So, that's my plan for the day... well, for after I get my ass moving on the next chapter of my book. Hopefully by the time I actually have something worth reading I'll have this whole "being an adult" thing figured out.

Don't count on it though...

Peace out
Heitz

Sports Guy Thursday!

Alright, let's talk sports, shall we?

Or are we just going to talk about sports figures and their mess-ups? Hmmm... maybe a little bit of both.

So, Mike Vick, already having pled guilty to dogfighting charges in Virginia and awaiting sentencing, failed a drug test and is now on Curfew! Yep, you heard that right... he's basically confined to his house from 10pm to 6am. Little ankle bracelet and everything I assume.

Now, call me crazy, but is this really punishment? I mean, one of his co-defendants also tested positive for drugs a couple months ago and they are keeping him in a jail cell until his sentencing. Why does Vick get to sit at home? Granted, most folks are in bed between the hours of 10pm and 6am so this is no real tough sentence here. I guess fame does have its rewards.

The bottom line is, one more hiccup between now and his sentencing date in December and he will be tossed right into GP. (That's General Population for the layperson out there reading this...)

Of course, the question in my mind is this, "What does this say about Vick the person?"

Countless talking heads have appeared on ESPN, CNN, Foxnews, etc... saying how sincere they felt Mike Vick was in his statement after pleading guilty. What do they think now? Is Vick truly sorry for his actions? Is he repentant? Does he realize that what he is doing is WRONG? Now, put aside the arguments for legalizing drugs... Vick is awaiting sentencing on felony charges that have probably destroyed what was a very bright career. He's bored... he wants to relax... probably feeling a little pent up watching football instead of out there slinging the rock.

What's a boy to do? Well, when I feel a little itch, I usually either call an escort or... oops! Wait a sec... That's not me! I turn on the good ol' Xbox! Nothing like a little Grand Theft Auto to put me right back where I need to be, right? Or in Vick's case, he could just fire up Madden Football on his Xbox. At least on the Xbox, Vick is not heading to jail.

Some more strange behavior... Barry Bonds, as we all know, has gotten the Home Run title. Now the Giants say he will not be back next year. It's time to find someone that can play everyday and move towards the future. There are three games left in this season for the Giants, in Los Angeles against their arch-rivals the Dodgers. A beautiful weekend series for Bonds to say farewell to the team!

Oh, what's that? Bonds is what? Sitting out? You mean he ain't playing? WHAT THE F*CK???

So, Bonds has decided to SKIP the final series of the season against his nemesis Dodgers in LA. I can't say I am surprised. I mean this guy has ZERO class. Before last season he was a free agent and NO ONE offered him a contract except his beloved Giants. No one wants him on their roster. He's a liability in the field at this point in his career, and outside of San Francisco EVERYONE thinks he is a cheater. So, WHY should he play this weekend?

Well, honestly I thought he should have been suspended from baseball anyways so I could honestly care less. But I'm sure there are a lot of Dodger fans that were waiting for their last opportunity to toss a syringe at him... or maybe a big giant beach ball with his face painted on it.

Can you tell I don't like Barry Bonds?

Good...

Final sports item today... Wish my Bears luck this weekend folks! Rex Grossman, here's your clipboard and visor. Enjoy watching from the sidelines. I don't know what you did with last season's NFC Player of the Month from September, but we would have LOVED to see that kid again. Instead, we have to hope that Brian Griese can be the opposite of Bad Rex.

Heck, with the way the Bears play defense and Special Teams, all we need is a guy that does not screw up too much. Hell, hand the ball to Battering Ram Wannabe Cedric Benson 30 times per game, throw a few passes around and we should be back in the Super Bowl in February.

I guess the only problem with that plan is our defense looks like it needs a permanent M*A*S*H Unit stationed on the sidelines for them.

In any event, my fingers are crossed that we get what we need out of Griese. I think he can get it done and give us 2-3 years of production. Meanwhile it's time to look at drafting another QB, or finding one buried on someones roster, like a young Brett Favre or something....

Oh wait... Grossman was supposed to be the next Favre...

Shit...

Peace Out...
Heitz

Self Inflicted Day Off

Well, I must say, some of us were a bit on the "fuzzy" side yesterday. I felt like one of those dream sequences in a movie where the edges are all blurred. Nothing 10 hours of sleep and a fresh pot of coffee can't remedy!

So, I am back in full force today! Had an interesting couple days, I can assure you. After the debacle Sunday night with the Bears and the Cowboys, I also had the opportunity to witness what I can only call a "Hip-Hip Debacle". I saw a hip-hop performance the other night from a group called... no, I am not makig this up... Blac Soap.

Now, I have not really gone on record with my opinions of the Tampa Bay music scene. Of course, living in Chicago my whole life I was immersed in such legendary music venues as the Double Door, Kingston Mines, Buddy Guys' Legends, etc... I have now been in Tampa four years and I try to take advantage of every opportunity to see local musicians. Of course, being a busy guy, I don't get out as much as I'd like. BUT, for the most part it has been disappointing cover bands, although there have been exceptions.

So, Blac Soap gets on stage and I was definitely ready for something good. These guys have won awards in the area for their talent, so I don't know if maybe they just were having a bad night. But, Blac Soap sounded more like a Blac Hole. The acoustics were not so good, but the other musical acts that night sounded pretty good. These guys, in my opinion, were just plain awful Now, I've been listening to hip-hop and rap since the good ol' days of Run-DMC, Easy-E, and Public Enemy back in the mid-80's I've hear a lot of good rap, and I have heard a LOT of bad Rap. I would classify these guys as BAD! But, until I hear more i guess I should reserve judgement. I mean, how many 1-Hit wonders are running around out there? Anyone remember the "Safety Dance"? Shit, they are still playing that stupid song on EVERY 80's station in the country although you'd be hard-pressed to find ANYONE who liked it when it was new.

Hmmmm... I didn't realize I was going to turn todays blog into a music review, but there it is. I'm gonna do these guys a favor though and reserve my full judgment until after I see them perform again. Maybe I'll pick up their CD and see how they sound when properly mixed and edited. Until then, I'll just keep doing what I do.

Cuz that's how I roll...
Peace out...
heitz

Blah, blah, blah...

First off... let me just get this off my chest here real quick...

REX GROSSMAN SUCKS MONKEY BALLS!!!

Ahhhh... much better... well, not really...

Seriously, staying up til midnight last night seemed like such a great plan. The Bears would beat up the Cowboys, leaving T.O. with no little quips for the media this week. Tony Romo would be revealed as the man behind the curtain. The Bears would get back on track after a rocky beginning to the season.

Obviously, the Gods of the NFL had different thoughts. So, here are my thoughts...

First, Rex Grossman should put his house on the market immediately. He will not be in Chicago next season and the housing market is VERY soft in Chicago. It may very well take him 8-12 months to sell his place. Get read for the move NOW, Rex.

Second, I seriously considered putting my head in the microwave last night and setting it on HIGH for like 5 minutes. Nah, it wouldn't make me feel any better about the debacle I had just witnessed, but if the urban legends are true, I'd never have to witness a Rex Grossman offense again.

Third, I think I will NOT take a shower today. That way I will smell as bad as the stink emanating from my television last night.

Finally... ahhh hell... I'm too tired to come up with any more. :(

On the Western Front, I have been roling through "The Chocolate War" and I must say, it's not too over the top after those first couple chapters. Jerry, the skinny main character has just put his foot down and said he will NOT sell chocolates for the school fund raiser. WOW! The hair on the back of my neck bristled at the thought! I think this is the part where things start to go horribly wrong for Jerry. You see, not only is he NOT selling chocolates, he is also the Junior Varsity Quarterback on the football team. I'm sure there is a serious ass-whipping headed his way soon. We shall see how this unfolds... about halfway through the book now... some interesting thoughts though on some of the stuff going on...

I went to a Public School so I am not sure if this is a "Private School Thing", but what's the deal with secret societies? I'm not talking about college fraternities and the Illuminati... I can't imagine there having been any kind of secret society in my High School. I mean, you had your jocks, nerds, homies, drugged out hippy types, preps, etc... I was fortunate enough to be able to wander from one group to the next pretty easily, but never a whisper of a secret society.

Come to think of it, I don't really know a lot of folks that went to a Prep School like the one in this book. I think one guy I knew in Chicago did. I think those high-brow folks tend to avoid the tough neighborhoods like I grew up in. The library wasn't so much a place to learn as it was a place to avoid the gang-banger looking to hit you with a bat. Can't really focus on studying when you are just glad to be alive!

OK... I think it's nap time already... I KNOW... it's not even 9am... that damn putrid display on television last night wore me out. I had nightmares of completed passes and efficient offensive playcalling all night. Woke up in a cold sweat twice... ugh...

Peace Out
Heitz

Filling My Brain

Good lord, I'm in trouble... So, I went to Borders yesterday to pick up "The Chocolate War". I just couldn't wait to start reading about violence, swearing, and masturbation! YIPPEEEEE!

Of course, me in Borders is the equivalent of a kid in a candy store. Frikkin Alan Greenspan has a new book out that is being hailed as the "2nd Coming of Adam Smith". A new book called "Family Guy and Philosophy: A Cure for the Petarded" was staring at me from the shelf... of course I bought it...

My problem is, between trying to make a living, writing daily, looking for a new career path (see my previous blogs about the destruction of the mortgage industry), and trying to squeeze in a round of golf every once in a whiel, when am I supposed to have time to read all these books??? I am half-tempted to go apply to be a librarian... although I know they have degrees and stuff for that line of work; I'm not sure my Economics degree and background in Sales and IT will cut it.

I'm going to have to hope for some sort of Billionaire subsidy to allow me to just read & write full-time. Maybe that email I got the other day about Bill Gates and Warren Buffett giving away money might come in handy.... maybe J.K. Rowling would LOVE to have herself a little tax write-off over here in the States... hmmmm.... maybe I'll win more than $5.50 playing the Lottery.

So, back to the book, "The Chocolate War"... already two references to masturbation, a couple goddams, and one bastard and I'm only on Page 48. But, so far you can see where the story is headed and why this book is intended for young teens. There is a lot of peer pressure in the world, and part of this story is going to hinge on whether or not Jerry, the main character, succumbs to the pressure or has the nerve to stand up to it and "do the right thing".

I'll keep you posted as the story progesses...

On to the weekend!!! The Bears don't play til Sunday night so I've got a whole weekend ahead to get some of this reading done. I'm also thinking this could be a good weekend to go sit in the woods somewhere and look for some endangered species... nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Peace out...
Heitz

Should we burn those books or just ban them?

I stumbled on a bit of news this morning that I really couldn't stop thinking about. It sounds like some upset parents in Chicago are pushing to get a book banned because of what they refer to as "inappropriate content".

The book in question is "The Chocolate War", written by Robert Cormier. I've never read it so I can only assume they made it mandatory reading AFTER I got out of the wonderful Chicago Public School system. (All my limbs were still attached, thank God!!!)

According to the article on the Chicago Tribune's web site, this book comes under scrutiny EVERY year by parents who don't want their kids reading it. I wonder... How many of these parents have read the book? Do they know what exactly it is they are pissed off about?

I guess it's a little like my aversion to Tom Cruise movies. Can't stand the guy...

"Hey, we need a REALLY bland performance for this role... nothing over the top... oh, and he will do a lot of running... Tom Cruise is available??? SHEEEIT!!! Sign that boy up!!!"

I think that conversation has happened with EVERY Tom Cruise movie... I just can't stomach them. The boy can't act... oh yeah, and midgets should NOT be sex symbols...

My point is, I may be missing some damn good movies! Maybe there is some benefit to his films... ok, I doubt it, but MAYBE! So, I think what I'm going to do is go down to the local Borders and get me a copy of "The Chocolate War" and I'm going to see for myself what all the damn Hoopla is about. Now, according to the article the themes touched on in this book are "swearing, masturbation, and violence"...

Maybe these parents forget what it's like to be in 7th grade... Hell, I can tell you I did a LOT of swearing as I ran from school all the way home to avoid getting my ass kicked by the Gangster Disciples. That was not a fun time... And for that matter, how many 7th graders aren't already finding out about masturbation on their own?

Sounds to me like this book is PERFECT for 7th grade kids to be reading... BUT, I will reserve judgment until AFTER I read the book. I'll let you know how that goes...

On another note, I am making myself a challenge for the rest of this year. There is a cute little endangered species (well, I think they are endangered... maybe just NEARLY endangered... I'll check on that..) called the "Sherman Fox Squirrel". I've seen a few of these on golf courses in the Tampa area and have decided that it's going to be my new ambition to get some photos of these guys.

Apparently, they are pretty rare, which is why I am surprised to have seen about 6 of them so far in the past year or so. Hell, I've lived in Tampa 4 years now and I've only seen TWO alligators!!! And it sounds like those guys are everywhere!!! So, I am going to start carrying my digital camera with me everywhere I go... not just for the wildlife photo ops, but you just never know what you will see as you are driving along.

With a little luck and good timing, I should be able to come up with a cool photo per week that is worthy of some digital words. :-)

Wish me luck!
Peace out...

Heitz

25 Years Young & OJ is a Dumbass

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday dear :-)!!!

Happy Birthday to you!!!!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/09/18/emoticon.anniversary.ap/index.html

WOO HOO!!! I'm getting the keg tapped! Getting the BBQ fired up... who cares that it is only 8:26am??? It's :-)'s Birthday for chrissake!!!

Seriously, where would we all be without :-)??? 25 years ago today, :-) entered our lives and has brought SUCH joy and happiness to us all!!! I personally have sent :-) on thousands of errands to spread joy around the world. I just hope everyone alwyas got my drift, ya know?

So, I'm thinking, for a celebration today, I'll head to an internet cafe (i.e. Starbucks... who am I kidding???) and send an email to EVERYONE I KNOW (shit, that is a lot of emails...) telling them to sing Happy Birthday to :-)!!!

Now, don't go falling for any fakes out there... we are celebrating :-) today... NOT ;-), :-(, :->, or any of their fukkin friends...

No sir... today is all about :-) and what he/she means to us. I personally want to thank :-) for all the good stuff that has happened to me over the past 25 years. I feel that without :-), I would not have been able to share all that joy!

Hey wait a sec... shit... other than like losing my virginity (WOO HOO!) and going to a few Bears games, what exactly do I have to be so damn excited about? I've been laid off, down sized, under sized, super sized, been through industry collapses, Twin Tower collapses, and now I'm afraid to go to the damn beach without SPF 750!!!

Ya know what... to hell with it all... if you see :-), tell him to go f*&k himself alright... what the hell is he so damn happy about?

c*cksucker...

moving on...

What's with OJ Simpson? Does this guy just NOT get it? I mean, what was it, a decade ago or so, that we had race riots around the country after he was acquitted on a murder that pretty much EVERYONE (including most of my black friends) felt he was guilty as hell for?

I guess all the shit swirling around him again with the potential release of his book (which all the proceeds will go to his ex-wife's family), and just being broke as hell since any dime he makes cleaning windshields is seized by the courts, has driven the man insane!

Now, his story is that there were no guns involved... of course, any time the police (or the PO-PO, as we call them on the South Side) say there was a gun involved, yer damn skimpy they will be able to produce a gun. They got THOUSANDS of guns laying around, bro! He also says the items he went to the hotel to retrieve were stolen from him and the police did nothing.

Now, any time I need to retrieve something (of course, the most retrieving my white ass does these days is retrieving the mail) and I am worried about protection, what do I do? Naturally I call up a mixed race group of thugs... allegedly 6 guys were with Simpson, and it was pointed out that they were both white and black. I like how they are at least showing that Simpson, while being a complete moron, is at least an equal opportunity moron.

So, naturally OJ Simpson is being charged with all sorts of felonies which could land him a life sentence... oh yeah, in case you missed that part, here it is again...

OJ Simpson could spend life in prison on these charges!!!

So, to be clear, here it is in a nutshell... OJ gets off on allegedly murdering his ex and her boyfriend a decade or so ago... he is now being charged with numerous felonies including kidnapping with a deadly weapon, and if convicted could face life in prison.

This is like winning the lotto after filing bankruptcy for the Police ain't it? They couldn't put him away on those murders but look at what he does next! Pretty soon, we'll find out from some forensic psychologist that OJ is actually a career criminal and he'll be charged with Aggravated Assault for all the times he ran someone over on a football field.

Take a deep breath my friends... there is Justice in the air!!!

Peace out...

Heitz

Ol' Dirty Bastard

What the hell is wrong with people?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/09/17/dirty.hands.ap/index.html

Have you ever noticed who does and does NOT wash their hands after using the restroom? For some reason, I almost ALWAYS notice this...

It's amazing sometimes the people that do NOT... I've seen lawyers not wash; CEO's not wash; regional sales managers not wash... Now, I am not some "clean freak" but I would be lying to you if I said I washed my hands LESS than 10 times per day.

Of course, I have always been a "seat down" kinda guy as well. I mean, who REALLY wants to see the inside of the bowl if you don't have to, right?

This article just points out how dirty people are. I think my favorite is the guys that will use the toilet... go to the sink... check his hair... yank out a nose hair... and then leave... never once even looking at the sink in front of him or thinking about using it. I mean, he just put his fingers in his nose, and not a hint of washing. (Seriously... I've seen this...)

I almost think I would like to get a job as one of those restroom attendants... I could write a book with what people talk with those guys about. At least the guys that talk to them are washing their hands... many guys just avoid eye contact in there because they think they MUST tip him if they wash their hands...

Maybe that's where the aversion to washing comes from. I know mom & dad all over the place teach their kids to wash up before supper. But, if they are spending a lot of time in night clubs that have restroom attendants and they are cheap tippers, maybe that just builds a whole new habit base...

hmmmm....

Then again... some public restrooms are so damn nasty that I need to wash my hands just for being there. Hell, the running water might make the sink just a little cleaner so I am killing two birds with one stone, right?

Maybe I am just a clean freak... I dunno... well, looking around my apartment, I'm pretty sure I can tell you I am somewhere between slob and bum. But at least my hands are clean, right?

A couple months ago, I wrote a blog on MySpace about some guy that was arrested in Tampa for attacking his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend with a Sword... DRAMA!!!

Well, apparently attacking people with large blades is getting pretty popular around here.

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2007/sep/17/fight-injures-teens-neighbors-arrested/?news-breaking

These two guys were arrested for attacking a couple teenagers with Machetes. Sounds like the teens were involved in a little fight with the kids of these two guys, so they figured they'd go take care of business, Central America Style.

I remember back in the day, when a kid would say he's going to "go get my daddy" or actually it was more common to hear "I'ma go git my uncle!!!", it basically meant, "OK, you kicked my ass... I give up... I ain't bringing my daddy back because I never met him... I was just saying that... see you in gym class..."

Now, had I seen some kid actually return to the fight with his dad (or uncle) strapped with a machete, I can assure you I would have shown everyone why I earned the nickname "White Lightning". No one would have caught me. I'd be home and under the bed before they knew what the hell hit 'em.

Now, since neither of these kids was killed, and bail was only set at $7500, it appears they were hitting these kids with the flat side of the blade instead of really giving it to them good. Makes you wonder though... All the publicity about school shootings over the past few years and in this case they show up with large blades?

I am wondering if we have graduated from firearms and gone back to 16th century warfare... I wouldn't mind getting me a nice broadsword and a stout shield and wandering the countryside... rescue a couple maidens, do a little raping and pillaging...

ahhh, the good ol' days...

In any event, it's almost refreshing to see someone NOT get shot in a case like this. A broken nose and a couple bruises? No big whup, right?

Of course, once these kids get their hands on some violent video games, I'm sure they will come up with a better plan than bringing their parents into the fight.

Peace out!

Heitz

Taking my time...

Well, I was a lazy bastard this morning... if I was fat, I'd be fat, lazy, bastard... good thing I look good, huh?

I read through the paper this morning and just wasn't feeling it... NOTHING to really write about. I mean, the OJ Simpson melodrama is just crying out for attention. The NFL season is in full swing as Week 2 is mostly in the books (of course, my Bears got off the stinky and picked up a win!!! THANK YOU DEVIN HESTER!!!)

But I axed myself...

"Do I want to write about what everyone else is writing about???"

Of course I do!!! errrr.... NOT!!!

Hmmmm... So, what the hell can I talk about if I wasn't too motivated by my usual doom & gloom daily paper?

How about this...

I'm sitting at Starbucks this afternoon to get some quality time with my peeps... and of course, by "peeps" I mean the rest of the known world. There is some seriously powerful people watching going on around here today. There's a Panera right next door, so there are TONS of attractive young ladies wandering around... looking to get one of them nasty "mixed greens" salads.

Is it just me, or does anyone else think "mixed greens" is a pseudonym for "left over weeds"???

So, of course, the peanut gallery has just chimed in. Isabelle made me a "heart-attack in a cup". I ordered a mocha frappucino... I think she wants me dead. Her and Jess did comment on how nice my posture is. I think they are hitting on me.

Not sure if I should feel uncomfortable about that...

YEAH RIGHT!!!

About the only other thing I can comment on today is a stupid poll on CNN.com over the weekend... the question was:

"Have you been affected by the Subprime Mortgage credit crunch?"

Shit... do they know who I am??? I'm only on my 3rd job since the beginning of the year because of the credit COLLAPSE. Credit Crunch... where do they come up with these names? I bet there is a department somewhere that comes up with names for Disasters... I should send them a resume... you KNOW that is some stable employment there since we are nearing the end of days...

Try these on for size...

Super-Size Tsunami
Rockin' Recession
Revolution Extravaganza

Of course, all of those would need at least three exclamations behind them for full effect:

Super-Size Tsunami!!!
Rockin' Recession!!!
Revolution Extravaganza!!!

There we go... now I feel like I am getting something on sale!!! :)

Sweet...

Peace out...
Heitz

Friday!!! WOO HOO!!!

Hey guys & gals! It's frikkin Friday!!!

I decided to "go lazy" today and made a pot of coffee instead of rolling to Starbucks. I don't know why... It was definitely easier, that much is sure. Also, no newspaper means I don't have to try and wash all that ink off my hands.

So, today should be a fun day... writing a check to the IRS for the last of my 2006 Taxes due... ugh... that sends a shiver down my spine to have to send Uncle Sam another $900... Couldn't come at a worse time either. Aaaahhhhh well... like Uncle Sam cares about the worries of the little guy, right?

So, I figured this weekend would be a good time to do some things I have not done here in Florida. I've been here almost 4 years on the dot and I have yet to see a High School football game. I like about 2 blocks from Robinson High School (alma mater of Hulk Hogan!!! GRRRR!!!) and I think I'll go see the game tonight. Sadly, the Robinson Knights are 0-2 so far this season... fortunately, so are their opponents tonight! WOO HOO!!!

Now, Florida is almost as famous as Texas for having great High School football and I figure it's about time I checked out the action.

One issue I will have tonight though is this... I usually tend to drink alcohol when I am watching a football game. I doubt there is any booze allowed at a High School game so I'm thinking of kicking off the tailgating at my crib with a couple bratwurst on the grill and a 12 pack. THEN, I can appropriately enjoy the game!

Oh, and by the way... I AM FRIKKIN WINNER BABY!!! That's right! Me and the Lotto Jackpot are like THIS (imagine me having my index & middle fingers crossed... like real close like...)... That's right folks, I have hit the Lotto Jackpot! I can't wait to go collect my winnings... WOO HOO!!! Seriously, all those years of buying tickets have FINALLY paid off... I'm so overwhelmed right now... I'm a bit woozy, I think!!!

Now, I know what you all are thinking... "HOLY crap.... Mike sure is quite a catch now that he is a winner!!!"

Well, back off sister... I got plans for this cash... I got bills to pay, dammit! Hmmm... Now, I wonder how much I am actually going to get? Do they have to take taxes out, because like Uncle Sam has already gotten on my bad side this morning... bastard...

Let's see.... carry the one... here we go....

Hmmmmmm... what the F#*K???

OK... this can't be right... I'm a frikkin winner, fer cryin' out loud...

Matching 3 numbers pays $5??? Are you kidding me?

Shit...

I guess I can't quit my job... well, at least I'll have enough to get into the football game tonight.

Before I go today... I do have to talk about some REAL news, don't I? Did anyone else see the news yesterday with a manhunt going on for a cop killer down around Miami, FL? Holy crap that was messed up... guy was pulled over for driving erratically and the guy gets out of the vehicle with an assault rifle and opens fire, killing one of the police officers.

HOLY SHIT... What the hell do you think was going through the cops minds when they see this guy open up on them? That is some seriously crazy ass shit... but it gets better...

So, CNN.com and pretty much every media outlet jumps on the story and plaster the guys name and picture all over the place.

Only problem... it ain't the guy...

Turns out, Kevin Wehner had his identity stolen and came forward in Jacksonville, FL. The real culprit, Shawn Sherwin Labeet, was later tracked down and killed in another gun battle. But how many people saw Mr. Wehner's photo on the news and thought, "Holy Crap... this dickhead just killed a cop!!! What a loser! Get his ass!!!"

It ain't easy to focus your anger and attention on one enemy and then suddenly realize that ain't the guy. Kinda like when we were riding a high over WWII only to find out our "Comrades" the pinko Russkies were actually that much worse than the fucked up Nazis. I could probably find some parallels with Iraq, but that would be too damn easy...

But I think the real problem here is people that go on these killing rampages almost always have 3 names. Seriously... think about it...

John Wilkes Booth
John Wayne Gacy
Lee Harvey Oswald
Jack The Ripper
Shawn Sherwin Labeet
George W. Bush

I think people that walk around announcing themselves with more than 2 names need to rounded up and questioned. Seriously, how pompous are you that you need 3 names? I mean, I have 3 names, but I pretty much only use one, MAYBE two of them at any given time. Family calls me Mike (or Uncle Mike), friends call me Heitz. Pretty simple. Two syllables... can't be any easier.

I think until we can get a grip on these criminals that are using 3 names, the rest of us 2 name folks are faced with living in fear EVERY day...

Peace out...
Heitz

More Common Sense

So, here we go again folks... the media trying to make something sound "newsworthy"... The headline reads:

Exercising in Polluted Air Can Increase Health Risks

Hmmmm... couldn't lead with "Swimming in Water Will Make You Wet"??? Maybe "Running Uphill is Harder Than Running Downhill" was already used???

So, what you are saying to me is, if I exercise in an area that is highly polluted, say with Diesel Exhaust as you point out, I may have an increased risk of health problems? How about if I do NOT exercise in those areas... maybe I just like to hang out there... ya know, sitting on a bus bench on a street corner watching the world go by? Will that help me reduce my health risks?

Here's a quote from a lung specialist at New York Presbyterian Hospital...

"We Now have evidence that being exposed to diesel fuel during exercise will cause cardiac ischemia and that if you have heart disease it will only make things worse"...

Seriously, I needed a specialist to tell me that inhaling diesel exhaust is bad for me? How did they get a group of test subjects for this? I'm guessing they just hit the NYU campus and asked 100 broke college students to job behind buses 5 days a week. That should do the trick...

Now, I wonder how much money the government siphoned from our tax dollars to help subsidize this study... Oh wait... the study was actually done in Europe? Well, that changes EVERYTHING!!! We all know Americans are the laziest, most obese people on the planet so a study regarding exercising in a cloud of diesel exhaust should have NO effect on us whatsoever!!!

WOW, and I was beginning to worry there for a moment... Thank God for being a lazy American...

The good news to tie into that article is that on the same page of the Tampa Trib is an article about the death rate in America. Apparently, the Grim Reaper was busy in 2005 after taking a vacation in 2004.

Wait a moment... why are we talking about 2005? Isn't that like, SO 2 years ago? I mean, I was probably still cuffing my jeans back then, fer chrissakes!

My favorite thing with articles that talk about statistical trends is how they always over-react to short term numbers. So the number of people that died in 2005 was UP 50,000 from the 2004 levels. Who cares? Seriously, who really gives a shit? Sure, it sucks when someone dies, but in the big scheme of things, what does it mean to look at one year to the next?

Well, unless of course you are talking about some epidemic or black plague or something along those lines... But in this case, I'm thinking they just ran out of ads for the day and had to print ANYTHING they could lay their paws on.

At any rate, I'm glad Mr. Death is back on the J.O.B.

And finally... I am revising my Middle East Strategy... Yes, you heard that right... of course, this is why I would make a horrible politician...

Well, that and I did inhale...

I can't just stand idly by and NOT react to the statements made by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad regarding his country's desire for "peace and friendship for all"... of course, when he went on to say that "Israel should not continue its life" and said it should be "wiped from the map" he pretty much solidified his position behind the well with the rest of the bozos. I guess if they DO have WMD's in Iran, they have a leg up on the competition in the hotly contested area I like to call:

"The Fun Zone"

Seriously... I say, instead of forgetting about all these folks while they are walled off and battling it out, we cover all the action live on ESPN-WAR. Of course, that station doesn't exist yet, but I know ABC is reading this so let's hop to it boys!

With satellite imagery, and strategically placed cameras, tell me this would not be a smash hit for television audiences... hell, it would be JUST like that Schwarzenegger flick "The Running Man"... wall them all off, and the last country standing wins a whole pile of prizes!!!

Here then is my revised map of the area... the walled off area is outlined in red... sorry, I never could color inside the lines so tracing is a big struggle.

Peace Out...

Heitz

Common Sense & Sex for Cars!

So, I'm reading the paper this morning and an article in the Business section made me chuckle a little. I think any time the media makes something sound like it is "news" or some earth shattering revelation, chances are it's something that if you had your eyes open you already had it figured out.

The article this morning was about my beloved mortgage industry and housing market slump. Here ya go... here's the gist of it...

Because house prices increased exponentially greater than incomes over the past 10+ years, this housing market slump is being felt worse since people's incomes did not keep pace with the housing boom.

Well, DUH!!! Now, that is a paraphrase of the article of course, but they have all sorts of statistics and evidence to support this as breaking "news". I have been saying for years that corporate America needed to wake up and increase pay scales across the board. When I moved from Chicago to Tampa in 2003, I went from making around $70K in Chicago to begging for $50K in Tampa. My rent here is more than I ever spent in Chicago, and add to that the necessity of owning a vehicle here... well, there's an additional $500 per month for car, insurance, and gas...

Corporate America hid behind things like Salary.com (a joke in my opinion) to support paying people less money instead of keeping pace with what was going on in the real world. Granted, it's tough to juggle increasing pay with being realistic about it. I mean, the fry guy at McDonald's CANNOT make $20 per hour just so they can afford a house.

I think the way things are going these days, a LOT of people in the mortgage and finance industry will find themselves working at car-washes, Starbucks, and the local mall... some people will be able to tough it out; others will move on entirely.

Of course, some of us just wish we had gotten into the biz a couple years earlier... hell, I could be that much closer to retirement right now if I had gotten into this business just 24 months sooner. As it is though, I am overqualified for entry level jobs, and unqualified to switch to many industries. I guess I will just have to hope enough people read this blog that might realize I am worthy of a nice big fat TV contract.

:)

How about this one...

Would you have a baby to receive a free car from the government? Now, I know plenty of you out there are just frikkin baby making machines, but if you do NOT have children, would that be something that would motivate you?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/09/11/russia.conception.ap/index.html

Well, in Ulyanovsk, Russia, the government has announced that today, September 12th, is National Conception Day!

People are allowed time off from work to go home and... well... do the nasty! Now, if 9 months from now you are kicking out a baby, you will be rewarded with any number of prizes ranging from a new stove or refrigerator, to possibly a new car!

Now, I wonder how they decide who gets what... one kid, you get a fridge... twins gets you a new kitchen, and triplets or more and you get a car?

Regardless of what the prize is, I think I like the idea of taking off part of your Hump Day to go hump. I mean, it just makes sense don't it?

Peace out... Heitz...

9-11 Tribute - Cavemen - ACL's

Well, in two minutes, it will be exactly 6 years ago that the first plane hit the towers in New York. I remember that morning as if it happened last week...

I remember the sense of unease, uncertainty, and confusion at what was happening. I also remember thinking right away that something was WRONG. At first, we didn't know if it was a big or small plane. As soon as we heard it was a big airliner, I knew it was an intentional act and ran to see a TV...

Here we are... 6 years later... on the dot... George Bush is on TV, ready to do some talking...

What has the world gone through in these 6 years? Have we all learned anything? Are we more or less tolerant? Or we vengeful? Are we remorseful? How many people have died since then because of actions set in motion by those terrorists?

The big question is, how many more will die?

Personally, I can say that day changed me in ways that probably are not very visible. I was living in Chicago and I ended up spending that day with my boy Chad & his wife at the time. I couldn't get home as the train stations were closed. Good luck finding a cab... we drank a case of Bud Light and watched the events of the day unfold.

Whoa... Now that was bizarre... The power just went out in my apartment! No shit folks, the ghosts of 9/11 came in and flipped the circuit breaker or something.

Alright... now that gave me the frikkin' heebie-jeebies...

Hmmm... I am often not at a loss for words, but that is freaking me out how the power just went out. I wish I was making this shit up... seriously... maybe I'm being told to get back to my usual NON-serious self... I dunno... I think I will listen to those voices in my head and move on... if anyone REALLY wants to hear my story of 9/11, meet me at the Green Iguana on West Shore Blvd. in Tampa... first round of drinks is one me!

OK... moving on to some fun stuff... I know everyone is VERY excited about the new Cavemen TV Show. Personally, I have cleared the TIVO so I can NOT miss a single moment of the hilarity that is awaiting us.

OK, that was all bullsh*t folks... I think that ad campaign was funny for maybe the first commercial that ran... then it got SO damn played out and NOW we'll get about 4 atrocious episodes of non-comic fun and maybe all those guys will be flipping burgers so the rest of us with TALENT can get a frikkin' shot.

Come on... we all know cavemen did not MARRY their women... they dragged them by the hair to a cave and procreated... The fact that some studio exec saw these commercials and said, "HOLY SHIT! This is frikkin' genius!!! Can we get these guys???" just absolutely amazes me... of course you can get them... no one else WANTS them... they got all the frikkin' time in the world, bro...

So, I'm starting to think of my great idea that will land me on the boob toob. How about this... an animated show where the main character is a flea! Follow me here... we get Flea, from the Red Hot Chili Peppers to do the voiceover for the main character... he lives on the back of some mangy mutt and... well, you can just imagine the hilarity that ensues when his in-laws visit all the way from the poodle down the block!

But seriously, I know Cavemen won't last more than a 3-4 episodes... but that's like 80 minutes of my life that I CANNOT get back!

And in even more depressing news...

It's official... the Chicago Bears lost Mike Brown, former Pro Bowl safety to yet ANOTHER season ending injury. This is now like the 4th season in a row that he is on IR.

Also added to the injury list was DT Dusty Dvoracek... these were two key members us Bears fans were hoping to count on this season to get us back to the Super Bowl. Now all we can do is cross some fingers and hope that we can overcome a couple devastating injuries.

And before I go today... I just wanted to remind everyone that there is a plan in place for dealing with the Middle East and all the turmoil that the region causes around the world... here it is... MY Wall...

Peace Out...

Heitz

Monday Morning Blah's

Good Morning! Nothing like the NFL kickoff weekend to get your spirits up! WOO HOO!!!

So, I'm getting my morning started as usual with my Starbucks and the paper... check this out... apparently scientists are thinking that liberals "tolerate ambiguity and conflict better than conservatives because of how their brains work".

How did they come up with that conclusion? Well, they took a group of college students from UCLA and NYU and gave them a test. They sat at a computer and when the letter "M" appears on the screen they hit a key... if the letter "W" appears, they do NOT hit a key. The letter "M" appeared 4 times as many times as "W" which they felt would trigger a "knee-jerk" reaction in certain types of people. Also, the letter "W" would trigger more brain wave activity in "liberals" than in "conservatives", according to the study.

Now, I am no scientist... not even remotely prepared to setup a study to refute these findings... BUT...

If I sit ANY Democrat or Liberal down and show them the letter "W" repeatedly, how can I NOT expect some sort of response? Sure, there will be brain wave activity because "W" has been the mastermind of the liberals greatest nightmare since Ronald Reagan! The article goes on to link these findings to the theory that liberals can "more readily accept new social, scientific, or religious ideas".

WOW... All that from having the letter "W" flashed in front of some democrat college kids? Let's try this one... Sit those same college kids at a bar and see how they respond to the following...

BEER vs MILK

How about...

WHISKEY vs BABY FORMULA

I think those might get the same results and then we can say that Liberals that drink booze are much more likely to get punched in the nose at a bar than Conservatives that drink Milk...

I must be a genius!

And in some weird news over the weekend, a McDonald's worker in Union City, GA, was arrested after serving a police officer a "salty" burger which made the officer sick. Apparently, the worker "accidentally" dumped a bunch of salt on the burger and tried to brush as much off as possible. As if a McDonald/s burger needed any more salt, right?

Stoopid question of the day here... if you dumped that much salt on a burger (intentionally or otherwise) and did NOT want to get busted, why not just grab another meat patty? Why serve the nasty "salty" burger at all? Doe McDonald's fire folks for throwing away a 2 cent patty? I highly doubt it... I'm sure the worker meant well... maybe she thought their burgers were kinda bland and wanted to make it more tasty? Maybe she missed the fries and hit the burger with salt instead?

Whatever the reasoning, after a night in the slammer I'm sure she will look at her job making burgers a little differently...

Smell that aroma coming from the fryer??? It's the smell of Freedom, darlin...

And finally... As I mentioned in the beginning, the NFL season got kicked off this weekend. My Chicago Bears played well on one side of the ball and looked like Laurel & Hardy on the other... At one point in the game, they ran the EXACT same play on 3 consecutive downs... talk about frustrating... coaches have been strung up and tarred & feathered for less... the worst part is, those 3 plays only needed to gain a total of 2 yards!!! And we couldn't get it done... This photo pretty much sums up how the Bears offense looked...

To add insult to injury, 2 key players on the defensive side of the ball were injured. We can only HOPE that they will be back, but my gut tells me they are done for the year.

Even as horrific as the game ended up, it was good being back in the saddle... I hadn't been in that bar since the Super Bowl and there was certainly a LOT of energy going on. Beer and wings on a Sunday afternoon is something akin to Heaven on Earth, I think...

But I would say the most perplexing moment of the day was when the Eagles fan at the bar was being booed down by everyone and we all (yes, even the Bears fans) cheered when they lost to the dreaded Green Bay Packers. I hate the Packers more than any other football team... but this guy was such a numb-nuts that I had to root against him.

Alrighty then... on to making some money today...

Peace out...

Heitz

Gimme my Porn Back!!!

Very nice... I know what's going on here... check out this video from CNN News... you only need to watch the first minute or two....

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2007/09/05/legal.roundup.porn.CNN

So, this peeping Tom is released from prison after 5 years, and he wants his porn collection back. Apparently, the porn in question is just legitimate videos and magazines, and not home made videos he took while doing his peeping.

Reporter Erica Hill asks, "Why would the police still be holding onto this man's porn???"

The answer is simple... Cuz porn is good!!! Seriously, most police are men, right? And do you think they are all out working when they are putting in all that over time? No siree... they are kicking back in the evidence room having a circle jerk watching this guys collection of porn! Now, I know this poor slob is looking around his empty apartment (or trailer, or whatever he lives in) after 5 years of taking it forcefully up the poop chute, and is thinking to himself...

"I reckon I sure could go for some porn right about now..."

Well, all I can say is... keep waiting my friend... those cops won't be giving that stash back without a fight. You may as well just go hit the local adult video store and start building a new collection.

Dirtbag...

Speaking of dirtbags...

This article is just flat out disturbing... And we get to stick to the topic of pornography... YAY!!!

This is the first I have ever heard of this, but I am a youngster by many people's estimation... Hell my dad was an infant when World War II was going on. I don't think many people in polite society can honestly say that the Holocaust was not a horrific event in world history... so imagine the revulsion many people must feel at this form of 1950's & 60's soft porn... called Stalags...

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/06/world/middleeast/06stalags.html

Stalags were the names for prison camps in World War II. After the war and leading up to the trial of Adolph Eichmann in 1961, a big underground publishing industry existed that produced soft porn called "Stalags" in Israel... most of the stories involved American or British Prisoners of War being enslaved by sadistic beautiful female SS Officers, only to get their revenge at the end by raping and killing their captors.

WOW... is all I can say... I've seen some crazy shit in my days, but come on... soft porn about the Holocaust? I guess the only thing these folks could do was to take those events and twist them around into some sort of demonic play...

Once Eichmann was tried by the world court, the truth of the Holocaust came out and the Stalags were pretty much put out of business. The Israeli government at the time tried to destroy every copy of them they could find. Obviously, some got through the book burnings and are still around.

I think my favorite title in this article is "I Was Colonel Schultz's Private Bitch"... that pretty much sums up the story I guess... I mean, my own experience of Schultz was the character from the Hogan's Heroes TV show... I can't imagine being his bitch. He was DEFINITELY not my type.

OK... the only other thing I have to report is that I have a new favorite College Football player. He's on the Florida Gators and served two tours in Afghanistan. His name is Derek Baldry and he was an Army Ranger from prior to 9/11 and is now a reserve Tight End for the Florida Gators. Honestly, I am not a Gator fan... but his story is excellent... he was high school misfit, decided to enlist after High School, served in Afghanistan, and is now playing special teams in front of 100,000 screaming fans at the stadium he literally grew up walking distance from.

He won't go to the NFL, might not even get on the field except for field goal attempts, but after what he's been through in Afghanistan, I just hope he goes out there, plays hard, and has some damn fun!!! Talk about a real life Rudy!!!

Peace out...

Heitz

Happy Humping Day!!!

Wow... lots to talk about today, folks!

Jerry Lewis, in a bit of a rambling improv thing with one of his cameramen, referred to on of the cameras on stage as an "illiterate fag".... hmmm... everyone is making such a big thing about this. I'm not sure why...

I mean, we are talking about Jerry Lewis here. He's like 317 years old... CNN went so far as to call his actions a "rant". When I think "rant", I think about ranting and raving... I think about my past writings for some fantasy football websites before my Chicago Bears got good again... I think about calling for the beheading of the guy that did NOT put enough ice in my soda at the movie theater... and really, how many illiterate gay people are there? The gay folks I know are some of the smartest most educated people I've met...

I digress...

My great aunt, who lived to be somewhere in the 90's, was mad as a hatter. Funny as hell though, the things that would come out of her mouth. She always called me Jeff. In case you were wondering, that is NOT my name. In 1984, when the Cubs were SO close to the World Series we could smell it, she told me what the problem with the Cubs was... of course, I was confused... the Cubs were in 1st Place, Ryne Sandberg won the MVP award... what could be wrong with the Cubs?

"It's all the Coloreds" she said...

Just like Jerry Lewis... you can't take what an old person says at face value. Hell, she wasn't even facing the TV. She just went to looking out the window hoping one of them damn squirrels would take the bait and we'd be having squirrel pie for dessert.

So, don't go getting to much on Jerry Lewis' back here folks. For all we know, he was talking about a cigarette... and as we all, cigarettes cannot read.

How about this one... Senator Larry Craig (he's not gay, he just acts that way) apparently may NOT be resigning his office as Idaho Senator.

So, let me get this straight (pun definitely intended)... He's not gay, but he acts that way... he accepted a plea bargain, but that was a mistake... he will resign... errrr... no, he won't resign.

Seriously, I'd love to see his voting record in the senate.

"No, see I meant to vote AGAINST that landfill in the middle of the beautiful forest... that money had nothing to do with it."

Riiiiight... We read you loud and clear Senator. After years in the Senate, no one is more adept at dancing around controversy than a US Senator. He can keep this going all the way til his re-election comes up and ten just slide into the background.

As I've said before, I think what we all want is some sincerity from our Politicians these days. All this back and forth, he-said, she-said bullshit really gets on my nerves. If it keeps up much longer I'm gonna drive my ass up to Idaho and punch him in the nose.

Alright... last but not least... beware the Popcorn Lung...

No kidding... apparently, there is a form of lung cancer that doctors have tied to diacetyl, which is an ingredient in many food colorings and flavors, including microwave popcorn butter. Doctors in Denver's National Jewish Medical & Research Center are linking a case of lung cancer to over exposure to microwave popcorn. The patient alleges to have consumed VAST quantities of the food, popping "several bags a day for years".

OK... so, we have have a person here who has eaten "several" bags of microwave popcorn a day for YEARS. How many is several? How BIG is this person? Because, ya know, if you are eating that much popcorn, chances are you are NOT getting off the couch much. How many 2 Liter bottles of Coke has this person gone through? How many MacDonald's Happy Meals have they sucked down?

I say, what the hell... if they enjoy popcorn that much, let them deal with the consequences. I mean, usually things that taste good are NOT good for you, right? Popcorn tastes good, so we can assume bad things would happen by eating too much. That's why we are supposed to mix in some brussel sprouts from time to time... to balance the good for you and the good tasting.

Don't bore me anymore with popcorn induced cancer. Next thing I know they'll be telling me porn will make me go blind or something... that'd be just great... cancer from the corn and blind because of what I am watching...

Where's the justice in that?

Peace out...

Heitz

Angry Ass Kids

I tell ya... I think we all needed that long weekend. I feel almost re-energized and ready to go!

So, I'm reading the paper as usual this morning... I love it when all the news i need is right there on side by side pages...

Page 10 had an article on how more and more kids are diagnosed as bipolar. Page 11? The first Woman Beefeater...

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22359808-13762,00.html

Alright... now I love porn as much as the next guy so I don't think calling a woman the first Beefeater is really all that accurate. I mean, women have been eating beef of many different varieties for YEARS! There's your hot beef injection, roast beef curtains... and the list goes on...

But, I guess it's not all that normal for a woman to get dressed up like the guy on a bottle of Dry Gin. Personally, I say put as many layers of clothes on this troll as possible. Thank goodness she has a winning personality!

Interesting thought that they chose the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana to unveil the first female Beefeater. I wonder if Prince Charles had something to do with this? maybe he and Camilla are on the outs and he promised his new wench a job? Considering that these Beefeaters were originally prison guards for the Tower of London, I guess that is a role strictly assigned to men in England... until now.

The best part is... she makes $50K per year AND has a free apartment that is subsidized by the government... hmmm.... I think Moira just got a BIT better looking to me...

As for this nonsense about more children being diagnosed with rottenness... errr... I mean bipolar disorder... now look here... kids have been rotten for generations. This is a fact of life...

Some doctor decides to slap a label other than just plain rotten kids on it and suddenly it's gotta fill half of page 10 in the paper.

So, really now, are these kids bipolar or are they just plain ornery?

Personally, I don't have much to compare it to... I was such a sweet kid. Now my brother, he was a whole 'nuther story... that kid was rotten... just plain angry. I think it had to do with the stinky mess in his drawers, but that is an uneducated guess on my part.

Turns out, maybe he was bipolar... who knows for sure? But I think anything that gets our kids out of Sunday School and onto some meds, MUST be a good thing, right?

So, the next time your kid craps him or her self and is screaming bloody murder because of nasty diaper rash, just take them to the psychiatrist and get you some Xanax or something...

One interesting note on web-site for the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation is what they call therapeutic parenting... 9 steps you can take to help these kids...

1. practicing and teaching their child relaxation techniques
2. using firm restraint holds to contain rages
3. prioritizing battles and letting go of less important matters
4. reducing stress in the home, including learning and using good listening and communication skills
5. using music and sound, lighting, water, and massage to assist the child with waking, falling asleep, and relaxation
6. becoming an advocate for stress reduction and other accommodations at school
helping the child anticipate and avoid, or prepare for stressful situations by developing coping strategies beforehand
7. engaging the child's creativity through activities that express and channel their gifts and strengths
8. providing routine structure and a great deal of freedom within limits
9. removing objects from the home (or locking them in a safe place) that could be used to harm self or others during a rage, especially guns; keeping medications in a locked cabinet or box.

Personally, I like a combo of #'s 2 and 9... basically, tie the kid up and make sure they can't find your guns. Sounds like a pretty safe approach to me!

Later

Heitz