Lube Me Up!

Well, we have really gone off the deep end here at The Daily Heitz. I'm not going to name names, but I had an interesting conversation last night with an old friend from college that started me thinking...

What did the world use as a lubricant prior to the invention of KY???

Now, obviously alcohol SHOULD appear on the list as it is still the best way for ugly people to coax a person into bed with them. But, I'm going to leave it off. I want to know what they used once they got into bed with that person! Any idiot can give someone a phony name and then slip them a Mickey. That's called "RAPE" people.

So, let's say it's the early 19th Century, and me and the lady of the Manor are looking to spice things up a bit in the bedroom.

1. Elbow Grease
Now, I don't know what exactly constitutes "Elbow Grease", but I think it has something to do with WORK HARDER... or something. Now, please do not go to Wikipedia and look for an alternative to this. I just did and came up with something called "grindersparks". This does not sound good...

Grinder sparks are the debris caused by the rubbing of a piece of metal against a grinding wheel and is a combination of the two materials. The color of the spark denotes the hardness and composition of the metal.

Seriously, folks... unless we are talking about a stainless steel, chrome plated vibrator... or handcuffs... there should be no metal in bed with you! (Small exception for braces... if she's got a smokin' body!)

2. Lanolin
Damn I'm smart... so, you see... Shepherds have sex with the sheep, right? They notice that the wool gives off some kind of residue, which they learn how to extract... and VOILA! They have a bottle of Lanolin next to the bed for when the Missus gets back from the village!

So, I guess something good did come from all that Man-Sheep sex, huh?

3. Spit
OK... So I dated this Sorority girl in College. Not good... she had a funny smell about her. So, being a College dude, I really wanted... ya know... a blowjob. So, we're fooling around, and I asked her for one and she said no way! She stuck her hand in my face and it smelled like roadkill! She said "that is what cum smells like!!!"

Well, being a normal male, I had been touching myself for years and never smelled anything like that! Next time we got together to hook up (yes there was a next time...) I saw her spit in her hand to get things going. I was like... WHOA NELLIE! She never did have nice breath and I quickly put two and two together. Needless to say I became VERY busy and took on and extra class so I could avoid actually having to break up with the Mafia Don's daughter. She eventually got the hint, though...

Now, the moral of this story is, back in the 19th Century when pretty much everyone smelled bad, who the hell would notice that their hand smelled like roadkill???

4. Bacon Grease
Shit, this stuff is like universal for everything from Popcorn to Pancakes. I would say "lard" here except for the obvious fact that at some point someone realized they had some bacon bits down there and decided to toss a nice fresh salad. (think about it...)

Seriously, tell me, how could this not have happened???

5. Gherri Curl
OK, now this is much newer than the 19th Century, but I felt the need to throw one out there for my African American friends. How many bus seats did I slide off of while transitting around the city of Chicago in my youth and could never figure out what that slick substance was???

How many times must a Gherri Curl application led directly to the back room of the beauty salon for some hot, steamy, already lubed up sex??? I say LOADS!

I'd be shocked if this did not actually happen.

There you have it... after painstaking minutes of research, I have come up with the top 5 sexual lubricants prior to the introduction of silky smooth, variety flavored, KY and it's various knockoffs.

I hope this was both entertaining AND educational for everyone.

Peace Out
Heitz