Bad Ass Drug Dealers

OK, so this one made my skin crawl in fright... I am SOOO glad these guys didn't get a hold of me...

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/638471,CST-NWS-cookie07.article

The bottom line was this... my Alma Mater... well, not really... this is another campus in the St. Louis area... anyhoo... a trio of students go to buy some drugs. No big deal, right? Well, except that drugs are illegal and stuff.

So two of the guys grab the drugs and bust-a-move and take off with them. The dealers, two students at Southern Illinois University in the St. Louis suburb of Edwardsville, then proceed to beat and torture the remaining guy, who apparently wasn't so fleet of foot.

And their torture device of choice?

Piping hot chocolate chip cookies!!! Fresh baked out of the oven!!!

Allegedly the drug dealers used hot cookies right out of the oven to burn the man. Apparently they were all out of hot candle wax... not sure...

So, I was thinking a couple things here... first off, do drug dealers often bake cookies? I mean, is this some sort of Martha Stewart trend in college drug dealers apartments??? I knew a couple guys that dealt in college... I remember one got busted with a couple guns... no cookie pans though. So, maybe this is a kinder, gentler kinda drug dealer. Seriously, could you imagine stealing Tony Montana's drugs? shit, he shot the guy that his sister was in love with who was like a brother to him! What do you think he'd do to a drug stealing punk? They'd never find the body is what...

The second thing I was thinking is what else could they have found in their apartment to torture the guy with instead of ruining their supply of cookies? Now, I can only assume the cookies were being prepared for their "post smoke-out" routine. But who really knows? So, I went back in time (just in my mind) and came up with a short list of things I remember from my college dorm and frat house days that would suffice to torture someone mercilessly...

(just an FYI... these are things found in most dorm rooms... don't think less of me if these may have possibly been in my own dorm room...)

1. Dirty laundry
Sounds weak, but wait... THERE'S MORE!!! I had a nasty problem with ingrown toenails at one point. (I almost can't bring myself to write this, it's so damn nasty... can't believe I ever had a girlfriend in college... funky ass...) So my socks would end up soaked with blood and pus by the end of the day of walking the campus. Cram one of those into a guys mouth and I'm sure he'd wish he were dead.

2. Calculus/Philosophy/Accounting
Seriously, make someone read books on any of these subjects and their frikking head will explode. And no... I will not produce my college transcripts so you can all see how poorly I did in these courses (HI! This is Heitz's evil twin... He sucked at all three of those classes!!! That would totally be torture for him to have to relive those!!!)

3. Anything out of the Fridge
Now this one needs a little explanation... I left one summer to go back home to Chicago and apparently left a package of Kielbasa Sausage in my mini-fridge. Well, needless to say the refrigerator was unplugged all summer so you can imagine the sausage did not survive the hot, humid Carbondale summer. When I returned to Campus the following August, I opened the fridge door and immediately vomited. The sausage had turned into a mound of maggots, and there were maggots all over the inside of the fridge, inside the fridge door... basically maggots everywhere... It took all the intestinal fortitude I could muster to close the door, pick up the fridge and toss it out the window into the alley below. (That totally grossed me out just recounting that... YUCK!!!)

4. Used Condoms
Hmmm... just nasty... slap him in the face with a couple of these... I think one time my girlfriend and i lost a used condom in her roommates bed. I think it ended up on the bottom side of the pillow somehow... that was cool...

5. Salty Nuts
My roommate in college had a nasty habit of dropping odd bits and pieces of nuts on the floor... ya know, peanuts, cashews, walnuts... that kinda thing. Well, at one point we decided to actually clean our room in Steagall Hall. I think it might have been the only time all year. The pile of nuts we swept out from under his desk was absolutely disgusting... some were the wrong color, there was dirt mixed in, some hair and shit... just a funky ass pile of nuts.

(BONUS!!!) We took the pile of nuts and decided to have some fun... Our neighbors were four girls... 3 very attractive and one tank of a beast named (I think I made this name up... don't ask me...) Crystal Ball. Crystal would eat anything... she would sit out in the hallway and eat an entire container of peanut butter while reading a book. She was easily 6'3" and 300 lbs... she might have been on the football team, not sure... well, my roommate and I thought it would be funny to see if ol' Crystal Ball would truly eat ANYTHING... we tried to make the pile of nuts look as appetizing as possible... pulled some of the nastier bits of hair and dirt out... and put the rest in a bowl and set it out on a table in the hallway where she would definitely see it...

Our dorm rooms had windows that looked out on the hallway and we were both aspiring Marines so we hid in the dark, peeking out of the curtains to see what happened.

Let's just say... what I saw her do to that bowl of nuts made me vomit.

I think I had a weak stomach in college... seemed to vomit a lot.

So maybe next time some college drug dealers are dong a bit of torture, they might remember what I have written and get a bit creative. Hell, I think our guys down in Guantanamo Bay could use some of this info as well. Could you imagine Congress asking George W about feeding prisoners a bowl of salty nuts???

Peace Out
Heitz