Stupid Book & Jury Duty

So, I am reading this book that my roommate's fiancee left behind after her last weekend here. The author has a degree from University of Chicago, a law degree from Duke University, and is being hailed as an “Internet God” in one review... Tucker Max is apparently the guy every guy wants to be!

I dunno... I am three or four chapters into “I Hope They Server Beer in Hell” and am just not feeling it. As far as I can tell, I probably kicked this guy's ass at some point if what he is writing actually happened. He's the kind of pretentious, self-indulged asshole that probably gets his kicks just talking louder than other people. All his “friends” have stupid nicknames, and basically all they do is drink heavily (no arguments there...) and treat women like dirt.

And seriously... what the hell kind of name is Tucker Max? He's named after my buddy's dog apparently.

Looking at the cover I thought to myself... “he looks like a jackass but maybe it'll be a good laugh while I am on the shitter.” No lie, I have been constipated as hell since starting to read this bullshit that passes for a NY Times Best Seller. Cannot get a good BM going so I gotta finish this worthless waste of paper quick... I promised Emily I wouldn't use it to wipe, so no worries there...

The good news is, this gives me hope! I can out-write and probably out-think this guy in my sleep! He will probably drink me under the table but shit so can Emily! Why the hell am I not published yet??? What this guy is published because he's a brilliant author? Hardly!

So, I am going to keep reading in the hopes it improves. So far, not impressed.

*
I had to show up for jury duty a few weeks ago and was fortunate enough not to get picked for a jury. I am a big fan of the trial by jury thing, I just don't want to have to take part. I'm a HORRIBLE juror anyways...

Basically, the way our judicial system works is you have to leave your personality at the door, forget about ANYTHING that might have happened, and focus on what you are TOLD are the “facts”.

Anyone that has gone into a court room as part of the selection process has probably heard the analogy they use to try and determine if you can render a verdict in particular cases... I've been to jury duty twice and heard this same spiel twice so I think it is in the “Lawyer 101” course... I should ask Tucker Max... he probably knows...

“If there was a law you didn't agree with, but mind you IT'S THE LAW, would you be able to render a verdict for a case that has something to do with that law?”

The story they use goes like this... Let's say the lawmakers in Washington decide to ban Blue Pens. Yeah, blue pens... damn them all to Hell.

OK, so anyways, assume Blue Pens are now illegal. Whether you think this law is just or not, would you be able to sit on a jury and pass judgment on someone accused of using a Blue Pen. Of course, I can't just sit there and take it so I say to the prosecutor:

“Well, it depends...”
“On what?”, he says.
“Well, first off... how many blue pens do I have at home? Second, can I walk into Wal-Mart or CVS and buy Blue pens legally???”, I reply.
“Well, none of that should matter if they are banned,” he says.
“Sure, if you are living under a rock.” I comment... then continue, “A better example would be Prohibition. If Congress decided today to bring back Prohibition, I can say with 100% certainty that I would get done with jury duty today, go home, open my refrigerator door, pull out an ice cold Beck's, crack it open start drinking.”

Needless to say, after scribbling some notes, I was removed from contention as a juror that day. Seriously though, I HAVE to be this cynical... here's what happened the one time I was selected to jury duty...

JURY FOREMAN!!!

Yeah... damn fraudulent case if ever I saw one. The problem is, the lawyers and judge get together ahead of time and agree on certain things that will be kept out of the courtroom... like, hmmmm, I dunno... a toxicology report for someone that fell off a roof.

No lie, this guy never worked a day in his life, fell off his cousins roof “fixing a hole”, and was trying to get $250K out of the insurance company. Th issue I had was we receive a 50 page hospital report regarding his injuries and treatments INCLUDING a 5 page tox screen that had all the info blacked out.

Now, I am not a cop, nor do I work in a hospital, but I think common sense says if a tox screen comes back with 5 pages the boy was drinking or doing SOMETHING!!!

Yeah, he got nothing... the looks on both their faces (as well as the two lawyers) was priceless... they were clearly splitting the winnings and had it spent already. We gave them, to the penny, what his medical expenses were to date.

The way I see it, you have to have a sense of self preservation. If I am drinking, and it's a rainy Saturday in college football season, I am NOT getting up on a steep South Side roof to patch a damn hole. I am going o keep my ass safe on the couch and watch the game!!!

Yeah, I did my homework... knew the neighborhood, etc... Michigan played Notre Dame that day so ya know there was some heavy drinking going on all over the area.

But back to my original point... I am a horrible juror. All I gotta do is wait for the Blue Pen story to come up and I will get out of it every time.

Peace Out...
Heitz