WARNING! THIS IS GROSS!!!

OK, so talking to a dear old friend last night alerted me to the fact that my blog yesterday was a load of disgusting stuff. Funny, but absolutely disgusting...

If I caused you to vomit, gag, shoot milk out of your nose, or any other action occurred similar to those as a result of yesterdays blog...

Well, all I can say is GET READY FOR MORE!!! It didn't take me long to realize that as gross as some of those things were they could not hold a candle to the most disgusting thing ever to happen to me.

And no, I am not talking about the Hungry, Hungry, Hippo I picked up while drunk in a bar one semester... There are two morals to this story so if you feel like skipping the juicy parts you can scroll all the way down to learn my lessons so you don't have to learn them for your-damn-self...

Here we go...

A couple years ago I came down with what felt like a bad head cold. I NEVER miss days at work typically for something as mundane as a cold but this had me laid up for two or three days. I went to the doctor and she said it looked like a sinus infection. I had those before so really didn't disagree with her except for one thing...

It felt like there was SOMETHING in my sinuses. A lump of some kind... also, when I blew my nose... well, the term "roadkill" comes to mind. And I am not talking about fresh roadkill. I am talking about the bloated kind that has been sitting on the side of the road in the blazing sun for a couple days... That was how the stuff coming out of my nose smelled! It was some of the most foul, repugnant shit I had ever smelled in my life, and it was coming out of my HEAD!!!

I went to the doctor again... "still not getting better doc, I gotta back to work" is basically how the convo went. She had tried me on a Z-Pack (ahhhhh, God bless the inventor of the Z-Pack.... my frikkin hero!) again, but really no effect.

I went back to work, still pretty feverish, feeling like I had a combo of the Flu, Asthma, and a bloody, runny, stinky ass nose.

I could feel the lump in my sinuses slowly working its way up to a point where I thought I might be able to get it out. Has anyone seen the movie "Total Recall" with Arnold Schwarzenegger? Well, I figured in a few days I should be able to do like they did in that movie and just yank out whatever the hell was up there...

So, after a few more days of blowing huge, obnoxiously bright green chunks of mucus out of my sinus cavity it finally shot out into the sink with a splat...

Now... before I go any further... let me just start by saying I LOVE Salsa. Not the dance... the food. I sometimes can just eat an entire jar of Salsa and a bag of chips for dinner. Love the stuff... can't get enough of it...

I figured what happened was this... I was eating some chips and salsa and ya know how sometimes you swallow funny and shit feels like it went down the wrong way? Well, that's basically what happened because laying in my bathroom sink was a mucus covered piece of Onion. Seriously, I had a piece of onion wedged in my sinuses for the better part of a month, obviously turning my sinuses rotten.

(By the way, I didn't know it was an onion right away... I was tempted to put it in a baggie and take it to the doctor and ask her "WHAT THE GODDAM HELL IS THIS?!?!?!" Instead, I picked it up with a spoon, took it to the kitchen and kinda performed a biopsy on it... it was clearly a chunk of onion shaped EXACTLY like the chopped pieces of onion in my favorite Tostito's brand salsa.)

After blowing the nasty chunk of rotten onion out of my nose, my sinuses IMMEDIATELY began clearing up. Within a couple hours I was a million times better.

So, the morals of this story folks???

1. Always get a second opinion. I knew my doctor was a quack when she told me I should stop drinking coffee and beer but I didn't really go outside of her office for a second opinion.

2. BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN EATING SALSA!!!

Trust me... you do NOT want roadkill in yer nose...

Not fun...

Peace out...

Heitz

Bad Ass Drug Dealers

OK, so this one made my skin crawl in fright... I am SOOO glad these guys didn't get a hold of me...

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/638471,CST-NWS-cookie07.article

The bottom line was this... my Alma Mater... well, not really... this is another campus in the St. Louis area... anyhoo... a trio of students go to buy some drugs. No big deal, right? Well, except that drugs are illegal and stuff.

So two of the guys grab the drugs and bust-a-move and take off with them. The dealers, two students at Southern Illinois University in the St. Louis suburb of Edwardsville, then proceed to beat and torture the remaining guy, who apparently wasn't so fleet of foot.

And their torture device of choice?

Piping hot chocolate chip cookies!!! Fresh baked out of the oven!!!

Allegedly the drug dealers used hot cookies right out of the oven to burn the man. Apparently they were all out of hot candle wax... not sure...

So, I was thinking a couple things here... first off, do drug dealers often bake cookies? I mean, is this some sort of Martha Stewart trend in college drug dealers apartments??? I knew a couple guys that dealt in college... I remember one got busted with a couple guns... no cookie pans though. So, maybe this is a kinder, gentler kinda drug dealer. Seriously, could you imagine stealing Tony Montana's drugs? shit, he shot the guy that his sister was in love with who was like a brother to him! What do you think he'd do to a drug stealing punk? They'd never find the body is what...

The second thing I was thinking is what else could they have found in their apartment to torture the guy with instead of ruining their supply of cookies? Now, I can only assume the cookies were being prepared for their "post smoke-out" routine. But who really knows? So, I went back in time (just in my mind) and came up with a short list of things I remember from my college dorm and frat house days that would suffice to torture someone mercilessly...

(just an FYI... these are things found in most dorm rooms... don't think less of me if these may have possibly been in my own dorm room...)

1. Dirty laundry
Sounds weak, but wait... THERE'S MORE!!! I had a nasty problem with ingrown toenails at one point. (I almost can't bring myself to write this, it's so damn nasty... can't believe I ever had a girlfriend in college... funky ass...) So my socks would end up soaked with blood and pus by the end of the day of walking the campus. Cram one of those into a guys mouth and I'm sure he'd wish he were dead.

2. Calculus/Philosophy/Accounting
Seriously, make someone read books on any of these subjects and their frikking head will explode. And no... I will not produce my college transcripts so you can all see how poorly I did in these courses (HI! This is Heitz's evil twin... He sucked at all three of those classes!!! That would totally be torture for him to have to relive those!!!)

3. Anything out of the Fridge
Now this one needs a little explanation... I left one summer to go back home to Chicago and apparently left a package of Kielbasa Sausage in my mini-fridge. Well, needless to say the refrigerator was unplugged all summer so you can imagine the sausage did not survive the hot, humid Carbondale summer. When I returned to Campus the following August, I opened the fridge door and immediately vomited. The sausage had turned into a mound of maggots, and there were maggots all over the inside of the fridge, inside the fridge door... basically maggots everywhere... It took all the intestinal fortitude I could muster to close the door, pick up the fridge and toss it out the window into the alley below. (That totally grossed me out just recounting that... YUCK!!!)

4. Used Condoms
Hmmm... just nasty... slap him in the face with a couple of these... I think one time my girlfriend and i lost a used condom in her roommates bed. I think it ended up on the bottom side of the pillow somehow... that was cool...

5. Salty Nuts
My roommate in college had a nasty habit of dropping odd bits and pieces of nuts on the floor... ya know, peanuts, cashews, walnuts... that kinda thing. Well, at one point we decided to actually clean our room in Steagall Hall. I think it might have been the only time all year. The pile of nuts we swept out from under his desk was absolutely disgusting... some were the wrong color, there was dirt mixed in, some hair and shit... just a funky ass pile of nuts.

(BONUS!!!) We took the pile of nuts and decided to have some fun... Our neighbors were four girls... 3 very attractive and one tank of a beast named (I think I made this name up... don't ask me...) Crystal Ball. Crystal would eat anything... she would sit out in the hallway and eat an entire container of peanut butter while reading a book. She was easily 6'3" and 300 lbs... she might have been on the football team, not sure... well, my roommate and I thought it would be funny to see if ol' Crystal Ball would truly eat ANYTHING... we tried to make the pile of nuts look as appetizing as possible... pulled some of the nastier bits of hair and dirt out... and put the rest in a bowl and set it out on a table in the hallway where she would definitely see it...

Our dorm rooms had windows that looked out on the hallway and we were both aspiring Marines so we hid in the dark, peeking out of the curtains to see what happened.

Let's just say... what I saw her do to that bowl of nuts made me vomit.

I think I had a weak stomach in college... seemed to vomit a lot.

So maybe next time some college drug dealers are dong a bit of torture, they might remember what I have written and get a bit creative. Hell, I think our guys down in Guantanamo Bay could use some of this info as well. Could you imagine Congress asking George W about feeding prisoners a bowl of salty nuts???

Peace Out
Heitz

Political Mombo-Jumbo

Well I am right screwed... I just got done playing the Candidate-Match-Game on USA Today's website:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/election2008/candidate-match-game.htm

It appears that the best candidate for me is Mike Gravel!!!

OK... off the top of my head name three facts about Mike Gravel...

Uhhhh...

1. His name is Mike Gravel

2. uhhhh... He's running for President

3. Shit this is tough... I think he's from like Wyoming or something

Let's go back to the web and see how I did...

1. Yup... got that right, his name is definitely Mike Gravel (Not a bad name... used to be a linebacker at Notre Dame named Michael Stonebreaker... I bet those two would get along great)

2. He is definitely RUNNING for President. Hasn't got a chance in Hell, but he's running.

3. Turns out he's the guy from Alaska I was making fun of the other day.

Shit... I'm so screwed... I got half an Obama tattoo on my shoulder (Says Oba... or maybe it's a birthmark... who frikkin knows anymore?) so how do I turn that into Gravel? Let's see, Obama isn't even in my top 3!!!

Runner up goes to John McCain. Good lord... OK, now at least I can respect McCain for being a POW and all. But I wasn't planning on voting Republican this time around since I did last time. (My bad, yo...) ALTHOUGH, McCain IS something of a Maverick... Stephen Colbert points that out regularly... so maybe he ain't all bad.

OK... 3rd place goes to Mike Huckabee from Arkansas!!! Sounds like a brand name or something... Huckabee Honey! Huckabee Tuna...

Hmmm... I got some peeps in Arkansas, I should call them and see what they think of this guy. Oh shit, he's a Republican too...

Obama... tied with Dennis Kucinich (looks like an elf), Tom Tancredo (never heard of him...), Joe Biden (all I know is lots of people on TV make fun of him)...

Well, folks... it appears I am royally fu*ked in my political views. I guess part of me thought it would be cool to have a "brother" in the White House. I mean, hell if Fox can have an African American President in the hit series '24' and a female president in the other hit series 'Prison Break', why the hell can't we do that in real life?

Now I do not count Hillary as a woman... and she ain't black... she's still Bill's wife to me... even though she definitely wore the pants.

Not surprisingly, Ru Paul and Fred Thompson don't make the cut for me...

They should stick to movies.

Peace out...

Heitz

When Grandma Attacks!

This is just too funny... now granted, it was not MY grandmother so I can easily laugh about it. If my grandmother (RIP...) were tasered I'd probably be so upset I couldn't see the sense in it.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/636574,CST-NWS-mitch06.article

So, the Chicago cops went to check on 82 year-old Lillian Fletcher after a tip from the Department of Aging. When she refused to open the door, the cops barged in to find granny swinging a hammer at them.

So, they tasered her. ZAP!!!

And now some people are pissed off... I have two questions...

1. What else should they have done? The grand-daughter said they should have used their sticks, referring I believe to their batons or night sticks. Of course, that's a fantastic idea! Let's break granny's legs instead of tasering her. BRILLIANT!!! Don't our police officers carry taser guns to avoid using violence with their guns and batons? Correct me if I'm wrong there...

2. What the hell is the Department of Aging and why are they snitching on little old ladies??? What do they do, report old people to the police? "Hey, copper... there's this lil' ol' lady, see... why don't you guy snuff her out, see..." Like these poor bastards don't have enough to worry about what with their cholesterol, rheumatoid arthritis, replaced hips, and falling levels of cat litter in the box. Seriously, just back off Department of Aging... leave these old folks alone fer cryin' out loud!

Now the best part is the online survey of people asked whether they felt the woman should have been tasered. (Of course I said HELLS YES... ok, so that wasn't an option, but it's what I meant)

82% said YES as of 9am this morning. So, apparently everyone but the grand-daughter has Lillian's best interests in mind.

Hit her with a night stick... brilliant!

Sorry to report folks that my Dream Diary is not going well at all. I thought I would confuse my subconscious last night by staying up late, throwing down a midnight beer while fiddling around on the web, and only go to sleep as a last resort. I thought maybe my subconscious would be off it's guard so I could possibly remember a dream or two.

No dice...

Not only did I not remember any dreams (AGAIN!!! Grrrrrrr...) but I slept like shit... damn, how do those real rock stars do this shit? Maybe I need to graduate to the real party drug of choice...

SCOTCH!

OK, I'll try that one tonight. I guess being unemployed has it's uses. If I had to go to work I wouldn't be able to experiment with which alcoholic concoctions allow me to sleep but defuse my subconscious dream remembering block. :-) So a quick THANKS! to the mortgage industry for imploding this year and leaving me out on the streets to follow my dreams!!!

Rock on!!!

Later
Heitz

Answer me this

OK, so who came up with the saying "No News Is Good News"???

Seriously, this person should be shot.

Now, granted it probably came about when people were sitting around during WW I or WW II waiting to hear about their husbands and sons overseas, in which case no news meat that their son was alive (or so they hoped).

But I think in every day use, that saying is just bullshit.

Take my case for instance... I am waiting to find out about a job. Is no news good news in a case like that? I guess if I lived with mom and dad still and didn't have to worry about things like rent, food, gas... But in the big scheme of things that something where no news is definitely NOT good news.

How about if you were waiting for your HIV test to come back? You are probably pretty anxious, right? Is no news good news then? You'd rather get that news (good or bad) rather than sitting around NOT knowing, right?

So I stand by my statement that No News is not necessarily Good News. It should say, No BAD News is Possibly Good News. That makes much more sense... although, I guess if you are coming up with these quick hitters like that you might now take all those other things into account.

There really isn't much in the news today... Shia Lebeouf, star of the movies Transformers and Disturbia, was arrested at my old Walgreens on Michigan Avenue over the weekend. Apparently he spent the night drinking at the Underground night club. He was arrested only on a misdemeanor count because he wouldn't leave the store.

So, I'm just curious... is this his attempt to grab the headlines away from another former Disney star, Lindsay Lohan? If that's the case, he has MUCH work to do on his public displays of intoxication. I mean, come one! This is a misdemeanor! Until he starts racking up some felonies, I doubt anyone will take much notice of his behavior.

...

So, last week I started keeping a Dream Diary. I've been having some bizarro world kinda dreams with all the stress and anxiety lately. Guess what my subconscious does to me? I can't remember any dreams since like the 2nd day of this! Seriously, I wake up and literally cannot remember what I dreamt about. I wonder if this is my brains way of telling me to "BACK THE FUCK RIGHT OFF!!!"

I dunno... I was kinda thinking I would stumble across the next great American novel when I went back through my dream logs, but I have no idea why my brain is shutting me out like that. It's kinda like the girl you had a "friends with benefits" relationship going on with and then suddenly she just stops coming over... only later do you find out she found Jesus and got married into some cult. Only then can you get back on the right track.

So I'm wondering what trigger I need to get my dreams on paper... I'm guessing that whatever it is should be coming along soon... kinda like the phone call telling me I got the job... maybe I should have put on my resume that I love stopping at Starbucks on the way to work. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...

Peace Out
Heitz

So, who do we vote for now?

OK, now I know I couldn't vote for Stephen Colbert anyways since he was only planning on running in South Carolina but I would have gladly moved to... uhhh... (looking up South Carolina on Google Earth to find a good looking city...)... AHHHH!!! I would gladly move to Hilton Head or Myrtle Beach so that I COULD vote for him! Besides, I'm still unemployed so what better time to pick up and move somewhere new, right?


So, the Democratic Party in South Carolina rejected Stephen Colbert's application to be added to the ballot as a Presidential hopeful because he was planning on only running in South Carolina.


Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Colbert would get more votes just in South Carolina that either Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich or Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel will get in the entire country! But both of those guys are kept on the ticket and Colbert is out because he does not have "national viability".


Now my take on Kucinich is he looks like Ross Perot except without the good business models and graphs. Mike Gravel? Who the hell is that? Never heard of him. I guess maybe he should get my vote, then!


See, I usually approach the elections and look for the guy who has the least to do with being a politician. I distrust career politicians because they are in it for their lives. They don't know anything else but "the game". I think that is why a candidate like Colbert (or especially Obama) appeals to a guy like me because they are not "lifers". they have experience in other things and a fresh perspective on the world. Who better to speak on the issues between the East and West that someone that has lived in both places? (Obama!)


I'm thinking if we end up with another Clinton in the White House I might move to Haiti and start a Zombie Farm. I think that will be the next hot industry when we get into an intergalactic war.

In other news...

The first Chimpanzee that learned to sign language has died. Washoe was born in 1965, learned how to sign, and also taught three other chimps how to sign. Hmmm... Just had an idea to run one of these chimps for President but none of them are 35 years old. :( damn...

And no surprise here, since we are all going straight to Hell anyways... ANOTHER student-teacher relationship was discovered in Nebraska. Police are searching for 25 Year old Kelsey Peterson and a 13 year old student who are both missing and believed to be "involved".

I met a teacher the other day. Cute lil' thing... somehow we got on the subject of teacher-student relationships. Might have been cuz I was drinking and she was pretty hot... might have mentioned something about how ugly all my teachers were in school... I don't remember...

Anyways... so she says "any teacher that touches a student like that should be killed!"

OK, so those might not have been the exact words, but we were all drinking, my bad. But her disgust was obvious and I can't believe that other teachers don't think like this. I mean, when you are a 25 year old teacher and a 13 year old student is checking you out, what should be your first thought???

"Hmmmm... I AM pretty lonely... hell, he might be pretty good looking in like 7 years or something... ahhh, what the hell, I'll go pop that cherry!"

Seriously, folks... THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN! I think death would be too good for these folks... how about chemical castration and genital mutilation as their punishment. What 14 year old would want to hook up with someone whose genitals look like the aftermath from the movie Alien???

Think about it society! This shit is getting sick!

Peace out...
Heitz

Holy Frikkin Wow...

I remember being disgusted when I originally heard about this story a year or so ago...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/10/31/funeral.protest/index.html

These are some seriously fucked up people, is all I can say. Of course, there ain't much to do in Kansas I guess except worry about how "gay" the world is and everything bad that happens is God's punishment for gay behavior.

So, they picket funerals of military folks (gay or not) that were killed overseas, they picketed the funeral of Coretta Scott King, wife of Dr. Martin Luther King, and they think that shouting obscenities and waving signs is OK at a funeral and should be protected as free speech??? Why not picket the White House or Congress??? As far as we know the soldiers who died that they are picketing are straight as an arrow!

Here's a sampling of the signs they had at this funeral:

Thank God For Dead Soldiers
Thank God For IED's

And all along they are saying that the government is infringing on their rights to practice their religion.

Well, I think I just found God. Yeah, you see he's sitting inside me as a huge BM. So, I think that in order for me to practice my religion properly I need to drive to Topeka and drop this BM right in the middle of the altar at the Westboro Baptist Church. I really will go to Hell if I do not accomplish this task so therefore my rights as an American allowing me to practice the religion of my choice are protected.

And I think I'll use one of their signs as TP.

That oughta do it...

Seriously, these people are sick.