Colbert Right on the Money

Well, I think this Stephen Colbert from Comedy Central may be onto something here. I've been reading his book 'I Am America (And So Can You!)' and just finished the chapter on religion. There was a reference to a 'Religion Randomizer' on his website:

http://www.colbertnation.com/

I said, what the heck? I was baptised Presbyterian (which is one step away from a Methodist I guess, except we learned 'trespasses' in the Lord's Prayer instead of 'debts'... I think... ain't prayed in a while...) but other than weddings and baptisms I couldn't tell you the last time I went to church.

Oh wait... sure I can... I was in college dating a bible banger. Yeah, I know... Her name was Heidi. Can you imagine if we were married? Shit, not only would I be going to church every week, but her name would be Heidi Heitz. Jesus, just slap a Swastika on my shoulder now and point me to Berlin.

Anyways, that didn't last long... dumped me for an Air Force ROTC guy that looked exactly like me. Except in uniform. Go figure.

So, I went to the website to get my new Religion. I figured, what the hell? Why not see what it gives me. The result?

Baha'ism!!!

Honestly? I had to look it up on Wikipedia. I had no frikkin clue what it was. BUT, the good news is, it sounds kinda cool! Muslims hate it, as to Christians apparently as the followers are persecuted everywhere. It preaches the Unity of Mankind, Unity of God, and Gender Equality. Hmmm... sounds pretty damn fair to me. I've long felt that God, Yahweh, Allah, Buddha and all the other 'Gods' out there were all one in the same, so this religion actually makes sense to me. I don't know what this symbol is, but it represents something important so I thought I'd put it right about here...

Notable followers of Baha'ism?

Dizzy Gillespie

OK... so that was the only one I could find that I ever heard of, but still! It's WAY cooler than Scientology! AND, I get to wear a cool hat, I think. All the pictures I see have cool multi-colored hats. I just hope I can get away with putting a Chicago Bears logo on there somewhere to show my TRUE religious allegiance.

Also, there's something about a 19-Day Feast that sounds promising... it's like Thanksgiving on HGH. AND, I get an ID card...

I'm frikkin SOLD! Uhhh... Shit... It looks like there are only three Baha'i places in the US as far as I can tell. Two in Chicago and one in DC. OK, so that will just mean I'm on my own... pretty much how I feel anyways, right?

And BONUS!!! There are three obligatory prayers that must be said each day... BUT, an exemption can be made for those of ill health. I guess I need to send them the MRI photos of my L4-L5-S1 lumbar injuries so they can forward that to God so I don't burn in Hell for not praying three times per day.

SWEET!!!

Anyways... thank you Stephen Colbert for showing me the true path. Even though you are Catholic, since I now believe in the Unity of God & Mankind, it's almost exactly like we are all Catholic... or Baha'i... or whatever... all at the same time!

Peace out

Heitz

I'm totally flippin' losin' it, ya'all

What a rough couple nights. I figure it's time to write this shit down since I came across an article in the New York times about nightmares and "why we dream".

Being unemployed for the time being, I obviously have plenty of time to 'think'. Just like Aretha told me to. Of course, all that anxiety has been manifesting itself into some strange dreams.

Like the one where I am living in the back of my Mitsubishi Montero. Of course, forget the fact that being unemployed and homeless SHOULD indicate that I cannot make the payment on said vehicle. Once my subconscious figures that out I'll be living in a tent I guess.

So, the article in the NY Times made me think a little... only a little, it's early and I am only on my first cup of coffee.

It's time to start keeping a Dream Diary. Not for any kind of therapeutic reasons... although maybe it will help the anxiety while I hunt for a J.O.B. But, since my ultimate dream in life is to be a best-selling author (and occasional sex slave to some beautiful woman) I figure it's time to see what my mind id doing while I am asleep. I don't remember all my dreams, as I'm sure most of us do not. BUT, the ones I remember I will attempt to document.

Who knows? My first best selling novel could be in there somewhere and I wouldn't know it if I don't write it down!!!

OK... so the other item on my agenda is this new "SmartCar" that is getting some press lately here in the Tampa area. Apparently, Mercedes is getting ready to release a tiny car that gets upwards of 40 MPG. Diesel and Electric versions will probably be available in a year or two as well.

Now, I'm 6'2" with a bad back. Take a look at this thing. I highly doubt a guy my size with a bad back is going to have much fun getting in and out of this thing. On top of that, how do you survive a crash with an SUV or Tractor Trailer rig? Or hell, even a Toyota Camry would wipe this thing out!

This kind of car would be perfect in New York City, Chicago (if you live & Work in the city), or maybe like Seattle where everything is Green anyways. Or on a college campus. I guess I could see this in some of the beach communities like Siesta Key or St. Pete Beach, but travelling on the highways here in Florida is risky business. It can allegedly go up top 95 MPH so make sure you stay in the right hand lane folks.

And where the hell would I put my golf clubs???

Seriously... this is a great idea for some folks. But any Soccer Mom will tell you that 4 kids and all their 'stuff' will not fit in this thing.

Oh yeah... the base model runs $12K and does not include any radio or A/C. I hope you like listening to the pelicans splash into the bay to get lunch cuz that's all the music you'll get.

Peace out...

Heitz

p.s. Everyone wish me luck on this job thing. I am frikkin' stressed yo!!!

We are SOOO Advanced!!!

I didn't realize how far ahead of the bell curve we are here in America until I saw this headline:

Chinese rocket blasts off to moon

China has FINALLY sent a rocket to the moon. It's 2007, almost 2008, right? And China, our BIG, BAD enemy in the East has FINALLY sent an unmanned spacecraft to the moon???

THE MOON FER CRISSAKES!!!

Didn't we get to the Moon in like the 60's or something? I mean, unless that WAS really all staged in Hollywood as some conspiracy theorists think. So, is China really 40 years behind us? Or are they just so advanced that going to the Moon is no big whup to them? I mean we've had probes going to Mars and shit already and they are just now getting to the Moon!

So much for a Space Race, huh? I mean it's like if me and a buddy were going to Miami from Chicago except I took a plane and he walked. I'd be on the beach in a couple hours. He'd be dead on the side of the road in a week or so somewhere shy of the Kentucky border.

And this just in... India is planning on joining the rest of humanity on the Moon sometime in the next few years. I think by then the US might be about ready to populate the Crab Nebula if we play our cards right.

Now, I'm not sure that the whole Space Race thing is even necessary. Seriously, there ARE other civilizations out there somewhere. I'm convinced of that. Chances are they will find us before we find them. So, with that in mind why don't we finish checking out our own planet? Hell, there are things at the bottoms of our oceans that we cannot even imagine! We can put a probe on Mars but we can't build a submarine that can withstand the pressure at the deepest parts of our oceans? Bitch PLEASE!!!

Get NASA working on that fer cryin' out loud!!!

And of course being so "advanced" means everyone hates us. Hmmm... or maybe it's just our notion that we are so advanced that they hate. Whatever, who cares... But, apparently the Terror Watch List is growing at an alarming rate:

Terror watch list swells to more than 755,000 names

USA Today is reporting that there are more than 750,000 names on the terror Watch List!!! HOLY SHNIKIES!!! Now, I'm already on record with a plan to deal with Mid-East violence (just see my previous posts about my border wall ideas)...

But how the hell do we keep that many people out of our country??? Shit, that's like keeping the population of San Francisco out of our country! It's clearly an impossible task when you look at it like that.

So unfortunately I must go back to my border wall in the Middle East plan:

http://thedailyheitz.blogspot.com/2007/09/more-common-sense.html

I'm dead certain that if we built this wall, we would solve so many problems for the whole planet that I can't believe no one else is thinking about this! OK, so we would have to work on alternative energy sources, but hell, we should be doing that anyways!

Is it inhumane? Answer me this... which is worse; putting a wall around the Middle East OR Watching in horror as three car bombs per day go off killing hundreds of people? Since the latter is what is going on over there, why the Hell is the "humane" question even brought up? Is it humane to strap 10 pounds of C4 to your chest and blow up a busload of schoolkids? Of course not...

Of course, I have it easy... no one gives a shit what I think so I can afford to have no conscience about what I propose.

Ahhh... it's so easy being me. :-)

Peace out...
Heitz

Happy to Be Human

So, I gotta give props to my older brother for giving me some food for thought this morning... sent me this little message:

I'm glad I'm not a fly. Could you imagine it? You would be flying around until you found a pile of shit and then you would think to yourself " Hot damn!!! It's time to fucking eat!!!!"

Got me thinking... It could be WAY worse than being a human being on this planet, couldn't it. I mean shit, here I am unemployed for basically like the fourth or fifth time in a decade. I should be extremely stressed out, but instead I am just glad I'm not eating a pile of shit.

So here's a short list of five things that would be WAY worse to be than a human:

1. Elephant
Not only are you a gigantic fat ass, crazy guys with guns and spears want to kill you for your tusks. Also, we all saw that video of the elephant sticking his trunk up another elephants ass and eating a pile of shit. I'm pretty sure any creature that eats a pile of shit is something I don't want to be.

2. Chicken
They're dumb as shit and basically only exist so I can eat hot wings on Sunday while watching beer. What other purpose do they serve??? (This also goes for Tuna, the Chicken of the Sea)

3. Cockroach
Seriously, other than giving everyone the heebie-jeebies, what the hell do these things do? Shit, I had to clean out my outdoor storage closet yesterday, saw one cockroach and had my skin crawling for like an hour. I think I need to burn everything in there.

4. Goldfish
What can be worse than this... imprisoned in a small bowl your whole life and when you die, you get unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. What more useless existence is there than being overfed by a 7 year old and then tossed down the drain with a turd? (also covers Canary)

5. Vulture
Actually, this category pretty much goes for any kind of scavenger. Watch Animal Planet and you see all the vultures digging in some rotting carcass. That's just frikkin nasty.

I had a couple others I was considering...

Pigeon... but then I realized it might be cool to fly over a city and shit on people.
And my top inanimate object... toilet paper. Strictly created to wipe my ass. That's just wrong.

So, I guess it could be way worse than being an aspiring writer, unemployed salesperson, failed athlete... I could be homeless in a cold ass city somewhere. Instead, I might just end up homeless in Sunny Florida! Not a bad gig at all!

Peace out...
Heitz

White Trash & More!

OK, before I get to my favorite headline of the day I need to take care of a couple items.

I had a short list of 3 things to do last week... well, I only accomplished ONE of them. I SUCK! Go ahead and say it... I didn't see any alligators, did not jump in the ocean... BUT I did go to the Salvador Dali museum in St. Pete.

Pretty cool place, but it's not in the best area for like an all day love affair with art. There's basically some kinda little waterfront cafe next door that did not look real appealing, there's a marina (members only), and there is the campus for USF St. Pete across the marina. So, basically, it kinda reminds me of Brookfield Zoo in Chicago where it's just the Zoo and nothing else.

Regardless, I spent a good two hours wandering through the exhibit. Pretty cool stuff really, they swap exhibits with the Dali Museum in Spain and also other institutes around the globe so they always have a mixture of work. Right now, they have his very first work done when he was 6 years old, a landscape done on a postcard sized sheet; they finish up with his final work done in 1983 that looks very little like the work he is best known for but still has the signature Dali head scratching involved.

The thing that amazes me about Dali (or any great artist such as Beethoven giving his first public concert at the age of 7) is how early in life they were showing the greatness that would carry them throughout their careers. I mean, seriously, who can tell me what they were doing at the age of six? Here's 5 things I was doing at the age of 6:

1. 1st Grade - don't remember it

2. Mom still dressing me

3. Learned how to tie my own shoes (Flippin' sweet!)

4. Learned how to spell my name (has definitely come in handy over the years)

5. Still eating boogers

That's about all I can think of and I really had to think hard about it. Friggin' Dali did a landscape that you can tell is a landscape! I'm 37 years old and still can't draw a stick figure whose legs come out the same length or whose head looks like a head. WTF!?!?!?

So, I am turning over a new leaf... unless someone tells me otherwise, from this day forward I am resigned to be mediocre! Not that mediocre is a huge problem these days... I mean the 53rd guy on an NFL roster still makes a quarter million per year, right? I could be a mediocre writer and still feed myself, for proof of that just look at all those "romantic" novels that sell millions of copies!

Alright... moving on with my new mediocre mindset! Ahhhh... almost relieved to be able to give up the mantle of greatness for a change.

One last item before my favorite headline of the day... How 'bout them Chicago Bears!? After 58 minutes of futility, they broke out with a 97 Yard touchdown drive with less than 2 minutes left on the clock and NO timeouts! Shit, I couldn't have pulled that off on my Xbox, so needless to say when I ran a lap around Bar Louie high-5'ing anyone that would make eye contact I was almost surprised when I wasn't escorted out. :-) Fortunately for me, I am much loved at Bar Louie so I think they can allow for some crazy behavior from time to time.

I think the main issue I face this season is going to be the constant cardiac arrests I am experiencing. Not a game goes by that I don't need the paddles pulled out and some shock treatment for the ol' ticker. We are a long way removed from September 2006 when the Bears were knocking teams around and outscoring people by three scores or more. I guess I should go get me some cardio to hopefully survive through the season.

Wish me luck...

And now... my FAVORITE headline of the day...

Waffle House brawl lands Kid Rock in jail

Now, I've long said that Kid Rock (or insert Axl Rose/Eminem) is a pussy and wouldn't last 2 minutes with me in a dark alley. I LOVE the fact that Mr. Rock had his "entourage" to back him up. We can only guess what would happen if he stood toe to toe with someone. Of course, weighing in at a scant 87 pounds, it's hard to imagine he could swing that blade of grass hard enough to make someone feel it.

But the best part is WHERE this brawl took place. I mean, what is more white trash than a Waffle House at 5am? Seriously??? I'm frikin unemployed and I don't go there! This guy is worth millions and he can't do better than a Waffle House? You know what they say...

You can take the Cracker out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the Cracker.

Peace out

Heitz

The Mind of a Suicide Bomber

Seriously, I am curious... What exactly goes through the mind of a suicide bomber as they are carrying out their "holy" task? Last night, a suicide bomber killed 136 people and injured almost 400 others when they blew themselves up near the motorcade of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. I may have to adjust my plan for a wall around the Middle East to include much more of that area.

So I just cannot fathom really wanting to do something like this though. I guess that's the problem between Islamic Extremists and the rest of the world... well, of course assuming the killer was an Islamic Extremist. I'm sure a video tape will be delivered to Al-Jazeera shortly with this bomber talking about himself being a martyr and wiping the face of the she-devil Bhutto off the planet.

Well, mission accomplished... NOT! The bomber could not get close enough to the motorcade so they just blew themselves up in the middle of a crowd of random people. Imagine if you would an American Bomber crew on their way to drop 20 tons of bombs on Adolf Hitler's bunker...

"Shit, John... we're running out of gas AND there's too much anti aircraft fire!"
"What should we do Captain???"
"Hmmmm... looks like a school and a church down there... let's just hit that instead. Fuck it!"
"Roger that!!!"

Now we all have heard stories of American GI's in Vietnam killing villages filled with women and children, but after getting shot at by countless women and children I'm sure they were a little trigger happy. I really don't know what else to compare this suicide bombing epidemic to. I mean, if you cannot reach your target, is it REALLY acceptable to blow up anyone that just happens to be around you? Does that make you a Martyr? Are 72 Virgins taking care of this young man (or woman... we don't know for sure yet) as we speak?

If life were so Black & White that blowing up things was a viable option to solve the worlds problems, we'd probably only have a world population of about 1 Billion instead of 6 Billion as there's be way too many people getting blown up to spend time having kids.

Ah well... whatever...

So then I notice another story this morning about a former Nobel Prize winner being a racist. Go figure... he won part of the Nobel Prize in 1962 for helping discover DNA. And he said US Policy assumes that the African continent contains people with equal intelligence to our own even though testing and evidence shows they are not.

WHOA! Hold on there!!! This is one of the guys that helped discover the double helix and he's saying blacks are not as smart as whites!

Uhhh... No???

'To all those who have drawn the inference from my words that Africa, as a continent, is somehow genetically inferior, I can only apologize unreservedly. That is not what I meant. More importantly from my point of view, there is no scientific basis for such a belief'

Hmmmm.... OK, now yer just backtracking, sir! Why is it, whenever someone lodges their foot in their mouth so far that they can tell you what a kneecap tastes like, they ALWAYS claim their words were either misinterpreted or taken out of context.

Here ya go...

I LOVE BOOBS!!!

Oh shit... No, I didn't mean that, I meant I appreciate boobs and hold no affection for them although I know they are a very important part to world civilization. I mean, without boobs, what would we watch on the boob tube???

Whew... that was close! I was almost misinterpreted into saying that I love beautiful, succulent breasts... good thing I was able to talk my way out of that one!

Solution? Hmmmm... Maybe we can get one of those suicide bomber groups to just target stupid people. I mean, I'm sure they would not have any problems killing their own family and friends, but we should probably check with them just to be sure.

Now, I didn't mean that suicide bombers are stupid!!! Ahhh hell... I give up...

Finally this morning... I felt like I was watching my Chicago Bears last night as the USF Bulls took on the Rutgers Scarlet Knights in Piscataway, NJ. USF, as you may know from my previous blogs was ranked #2 in the country. Well, that ride is over sister. A young man by the name of Ray Rice ran up and down the field on them and even though they were able to come up with big plays on special teams (just like the Bears do every Sunday) they came up just short at the end when their offense seemingly just could not figure ANYTHING out.

I guess it's good to know that teams at every level have the kinds of mental implosions that my Bears go through every Sunday. It was a frustrating game to watch, rooting for USF. #22, whoever he is, probably had to hitch-hike home to Florida. He had two HUGE penalties that were just about asinine.

Still, it was a fun ride to this point of the season. They will still be in contention for the Big East title and as long as they get back to winning can count on a decent bowl game this year.

Like I needed another excuse to drink.

Shit...

Peace out...
Heitz

I am Not MIA or even Dead

Wow... been a hectic week over here. Strange that I feel like I have been that busy since I am technically unemployed. Go figure...

Of course, jut because I don't have an income right now doesn't mean I ain't busy, right? I mean, I've been to two more interviews this week, worked on two friends computer issues, wrote another chapter in my novel, sold a shitload of stuff on eBay... see, I been BUSY!

But this morning, something weird happened. I had kinda like an acid trip flash-back to my college days. For some reason, the thought popped in my head that no one ever taught me how to clip my toenails. I just kinda "winged it" I guess. Of course, that led to a massive battle with ingrown toenails (no pictures included... they are gross...) that I had to actually have surgery on!

So, here's a note to all you parents out there... make sure your kids are doing it right! Clip straight across. Don't round it off. Learn from someone who already made those mistakes.

So, today is the big day! No, I won't find out if I got this job yet. That comes Monday I hope. I am getting off my lily white behind and heading to the Salvador Dali museum this afternoon! I have an appointment with a couple cups of coffee at Starbucks and hopefully another completed chapter, but then I am wide open this afternoon to go be ARTSY!!! WOO HOO!!! It's only $15 to get in, so I figure I'll spend the afternoon there and just chill, kinda like the good ol' days at Upshot Marketing in Chicago when I could just walk to the Art Institute and get lost amongst 3,000 year old items. Crazy!

So, that is the plan for this afternoon... oh yeah, and I think I will take along my copy of Stephen Colbert's book and become a little more Americanized. So far, he's got some good points. Of course, I have only read the introduction so I am not sure how much sense you can make in a 2 page intro.

Peace out
Heitz