The Sky Has Fallen

I am not a quitter, so this is tough... trying to figure out when to throw in the towel on the season for the Chicago Bears. :( Another horrendous loss yesterday that had my heart stopped at about 3 different points. I will definitely have my first heart attack before the age of 38 the way things are going this season.

On top of that... my Salukis lost. Ugh... shit rolls downhill don't it? But, at least my new local teams, the USF Bulls and the Tampa Bay Bucs both won. The Bulls are ranked #2 in the country!!! YIKES!!!

So, this week I am planning on getting my mind set for the rest of the season for the Bears. I am usually so pumped up for Bears games that when the game is such a roller coaster as it was yesterday, I almost feel like I need to sleep for a week to recover. Heck, I only had 4 bears all day yesterday and I feel like I drank a full keg.

With all that in mind... I think this is the week to do some things I have NOT gotten around to since moving here. First thing on the agenda, head over to St. Pete and go to the Salvador Dali museum. Hmmmm... should be able to do that tomorrow. Second, go see some damn alligators. I've seen only two alligators in my four years here. WTF??? And finally, I should probably go hit the beach and jump in the ocean. Alright, it's crazy to admit but I have not yet jumped in the Gulf of Mexico. Can't really explain why. Just never got around to it. It's kinda like living in Chicago most of my life and I never set foot in the Sears Tower. Isn't that like the first destination for tourists?

So, there's my plan for the week. Dali, Gators, and Water. Maybe I can get bit by a shark when I jump in the gulf!!! WOO HOO!!!

The only other thing I have to report on this sleepy Monday morning is twofold... First, I still have not finished that 7th grade reading... For whatever reason, I did not even pick it up over the weekend. How the hell am I supposed to write a book report if I can't finish the damn book? I think the problem is, I've already seen a bunch of references to masturbation, plenty of swearing, and a bit of violence so I cannot really justify finishing it. I can see what the parents are concerned with, even if I disagree with them. Well, I'll certainly finish it this week. I really have nothing else to do, so why not.

The other thing is that the novel I am working on is rolling right along. I have an appointment with Starbucks this morning to knock out another two chapters I hope. I feel like I am about halfway through this first book, but only a fraction of a way through the story as it is unfolding in my mind. This first deal should come out as a trilogy I think, so hopefully when I finish book 1, I will be able to get an agent that thinks we can get it published.

Fingers crossed as I type that last sentence!

Alright, time to get to work...

Peace out!
Heitz

Friday Morning

Have you ever watched a cow? I mean, have you ever just sat there and watched a cow do it's 'thing'? I spent one summer in college working on a farm camp, teaching small children how to groom and ride horses. We had two cows, three pigs, and some other assorted farm animals around including a donkey (mule, donkey, who friggin' knows).

The thing about cows is, I always felt like they were sizing me up. For what, I don't know. Pigs are easy, they want to eat. Nothing nastier than dumping 100 pounds of yesterday's food into their pen and having them nearly take your arm off in the process. The donkey, well, just stay clear of the hind legs and the teeth and you might be OK.

But the cows? They seemed docile. But all they do is stand there and chew. They might not even have anything in their mouth and they're still chewing. But the most disturbing part is how they WATCH you while they are chewing. Almost like they KNOW how many Porterhouse steaks I've had, or how many burgers I've tossed on the grill this summer. I got the impression that if the tables were turned, they'd grill the shit out of me, toss a nice side salad, put my grilled carcass on a sesame seed bun, top it off with some Worcestershire sauce and lettuce and a pickle, and go to town.

So, I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, cows are a little smarter than we give them credit for. Maybe they are just luring us into a trap with all their juicy ribeye's, succulent T-Bones, and hamburger patties. And when the time is right...

WHAMMO!!!

That's when they strike and take over the world. Now, I know what the nay-sayers are thinking.

"But they don't have opposable thumbs!!!"

Have we ever taken a census to find out how many cockroaches there are on the planet? I'm guessing at least a thousand times as many as there are people. And if there was a nuclear holocaust, the cockroaches would rule the world. So, don't tell me opposable thumbs are THAT important.

Cuz I ain't buying it...

Sorry for rambling... got a big interview today so my brain is on overdrive.

Peace out...

Holla...

And all that...

Heitz

YIKES!

Alright, I know I'm done for... I haven't written a scribble in like 3 days or something. But, in my defense, it's been a crazy 10 days. I was laid off for the second time in 8 months last week, spent the weekend watching football, playing golf, and trying to NOT be too stressed about having ZERO income, and also trying to stay as chipper as possible since I saw that layoff coming and have already been interviewing for a new gig.

On top of all that, I have made some progress on the novel, decided it's time to learn to play guitar (at age 37 fer crying out loud!), and am playing some of the best golf in recent memory... or at least since I blew out three discs in my lower back.

So BACK OFF MAN!!!

:)

Alright, I saw some crazy stuff... first off, I found a book that tied in with the Chocolate War that I have been reading. I seriously think I am below a 7th grade reading level since I should have had that book finished in like three BM's (bowel movements). I'm probably 2/3rds done with it and I just wonder how long those poor 7th graders have to read it.

Well, i was in Barnes and Noble and spotted a book on the clearance rack called "The Secret Society Handbook". It's got all kinds of info on a bunch of different secret societies. I figured, if nothing else it might be fun to read. Or maybe, I can come up with some ideas for creating a Secret Society of my very own! How cool would that be? I could call it something obscure like the Cinammon Kids... or maybe something violent like Swords & Blood... or maybe something whimsical like Who Farted?

The possibilities are endless... I'm so frikkin' excited!!!

The other funny thing I saw this morning was in one of the local papers. Everyone has seen commercials for those DVD's where college COED's show their boobs called "Girls Gone Wild". Well, a couple aspiring film makers in Clearwater, FL have come up with a video called "Da Hood Gone Wild". Now, I'm no expert on Clearwater, FL but when I think of that place I think of beaches and golf courses. But apparently there is a ghetto section of Clearwater that is the filming ground for this DVD that contains over two years of Hood activity. I guess sunshine and palm trees really doesn't do much to stem the flow of black-on-black violence, but it is definitely hard to find it when you are just driving around.

I was driving to lunch one day and took a wrong turn, my buddy Gregg reaches over to lock the doors. "This is a shitty neighborhood," he said. I looked around and realized it looked just like my neighborhood. How the hell can you tell it's shitty? At least in Chicago you know that East of Halsted on the South Side is not a place you really want to spend a lot of time in. But Tampa is not so clear cut.

I guess that just gives me more reason to make sure I stay on my toes.

Alright... time to get to work. I have an interview tomorrow so I gotta make sure the vocal chords are in pristine condition. Hopefully by next week I will be gainfully employed again. I don't know how long I can pass myself off as a poor novelist.

Wish me luck!
Peace out!
Heitz

Too much Joe

So, back when I was working my first job out of college selling tires and brakes, I probably drank 1-2 pots of coffee per day. That's right, multiple pots of coffee per work day. I was an assistant store manager, and was probably putting in around 75 hours per week, loads o' fun!

Well, I developed a twitch in my left eye from all the caffeine and basically had to cut back on hours and caffeine to get rid of it. I am happy to report, I HAVE MY TWITCH BACK!!!

I had no idea I was drinking so much coffee until the other day my left eye started buggin' out. I was like, WHOA! Not this again. So, I am not making my pot of coffee this morning, instead I will head to Starbucks later and get back into that. Kinda crazy, but basically two weeks of drinking a pot of coffee per day gets that twitch going full force. Apparently I can handle one cup, maybe two, but an entire pot per day... bad news.

So, I found that out this weekend along with a couple other things.

Probably the most ridiculous thing I saw this weekend was a pen. That's right, an ink pen. Some folks think that it's important to have a good pen. I was at the mall picking up some dress shirts, and there was a Mont Blanc store there so I decided to pop in. I had been there before because a buddy of mine has a Mont Blanc and pays $12 for ink refills.

So, I'm browsing around purposely pissing off the waitstaff. What do you call these guys? they sell pens, fer chrissakes! Well, they had a pen that was $10,500!!! No lie... platinum body encrusted in diamonds. So I started thinking about the type of person that would buy this damn thing.

Sure, Bill Gates could afford a case of them, but he seems kinda frumpy so I'm sure he just uses a Papermate. I could totally see Donald Trump or George Steinbrenner with one, those guys have some serious egos.

But about the only thing I could come up with that would even warrant a $10,500 pen would be like if it was being used to sign a peace treaty ending World War III or like the first trade agreement with an intergalactic civilization. then we could put it straight in the Smithsonian and be done with it.

I think my problem would be that I tend to chew on the ends of pens. Not like some folks that chew them up like a dog would, but I do chew a bit. I could totally imagine chewing on the end of that thing and ending up with some diamonds stuck in my teeth or something. Nothing like buying a pen and inadvertently ending up with a grill.

So, moving on to other news...

Salukis won their Homecoming game! Cubs got swept as I predicted! Bears finally win!!! Buccaneers lost!

It was a mixed bag of sports over the weekend. I was reminded by my old sales manager that I actually predicted the Cubs playoff sweep last winter. When Lou Pinella was brought in by the Cubs, Paul and I had a talk about it. He thought the Cubs were a lock for the World Series after getting Pinella and Alfonso Soriano. I told him that the Cubs were like a cocktease. They'd squeak into the playoffs creating a craziness on the North Side of Chicago that only happens once or twice a decade, and then they'd promptly get swept.

I actually forgot about that conversation til I got that phone call. Go figure... I'm closer to Nostradamus than I thought, I guess. Needless to say, I will come up with an off-season prediction for the Cubs for 2008 so keep tuned in!

Peace out
Heitz

Bedroom Fun

'My motto has been they are going to have to pry this vibrator from my cold, dead hand. I refuse to give up.'

This is what it's come to in the state of Alabama folks. This quote is from the owner of a couple adult stores in Alabama, and pretty much sums it all up. The US Supreme court is refusing to hear an appeal to an Alabama state law banning the sale of 'any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for anything of pecuniary value.'

No more double headed dildos, fake vaginas, vibrating pocket pals, etc... Well, at least you cannot BUY them in the state of Alabama. Feel free to buy them from anywhere else in the world however.

My problem with this is two-fold. First, what the hell is the point if these fine southern folks can just order one online from Florida, Indiana, Hong Kong, or wherever they can find them? Second, what's the next step in this draconian law? Are they going to pull large carrots from the shelves? Strawberries? How about cantaloupes?

The craziest thing here is it took until the 1960's to ban same family marriage in the fine state of Alabama (I'm pretty sure I just made that up...) so I guess they feel more comfortable kissing their sister or cousin than having their sister or cousin playing with a vibrator. I guess that's where I lucked out... see, my sisters are not my type AT ALL! I mean, not even going down the whole "we're related" path... I dig brunettes and Asian chicks. Both my sisters are blonde. They don't stand a chance!

Of course, this battle is far from over. There is no way the ACLU will let this one go quietly. At some point, we may be able to get this onto the big screen. I guess we first need John Grisham to write us a novel with this as the back story... so get cracking John. I want to see Jessica Biel in the lead role... Oh yeah...

The baseball playoffs are under way. Here is my quote from Sunday while sitting at the bar watching the Bears lose disastrously to the Detroit Lions:

"The Cubs will get swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks"

Those were my exact words. And last night, Sweet Lou Pinella took the first step towards that vision by pulling his Ace after the 6th inning. His plan? Well, he's saving Carlos Zambrano for the 4th game on Sunday.

Hey Lou... just a bit of free advice, pal. You don't get to Game 4 without at least winning ONE game. This was a great pitching duel until Zambrano came out, and the Diamondbacks took the lead almost immediately as the lead off hitter in the next inning hit a go-ahead home run.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... The Curse of the Billy Goat is as real as the peach fuzz on my chin.

Wait til' next year...

Peace out...
Heitz

USF Fighting Back!

OK, now I am a Saluki through and through. Having graduated from Southern Illinois University over a decade ago, I still get fired up for Saluki Football and Basketball. So the latest surge in the polls by the University of South Florida Bulls has some meaning for me. For years they were a "nobody". Heck, the football program has only been in existence for 11 years! And now, after a dramatic victory over #5 West Virginia last weekend, they are ranked #6 in the land!!!

WOO HOO!!!

Oh, wait a moment... Nick Saban has something to say...

'There's a significant amount of players who don't qualify at some schools and they end up being pretty good players at some other schools. I think there are six guys starting on South Florida's defense who probably could have gone to Florida or Florida State but Florida and Florida State couldn't take them. And if you do a good job of recruiting that way ...'

Holy Crap!!!

So, Nick Saban, head coach at LSU, which has no game against USF this year, does not play in the same conference, and might only meet in a bowl game, has to voice his opinion on USF specifically.

What he's saying here is that USF is recruiting kids that can't make the cut, academically speaking, at the powerhouse schools like Alabama, Florida, Florida State, etc... Is that anything like how Saban couldn't make the cut as an NFL coach? Oh, sorry... is that like salt on a fresh wound Coach? Or has that one healed yet?

Seriously, folks... this is just plain stupid. What Saban is really saying (and history has shown he has a propensity to insert his foot in his mouth... up to the ankle on some occasions) is that he's jealous that he couldn't take a program from scratch and turn it into a top 10 caliber team in just 11 short years. So of course, he says hurtful things to hide his true feelings of inadequacy.

Well, all I can say to Mr. Saban is this... and I'm sure Jim Leavitt, USF's coach would go along...

Bring your Alabama Crimson Tide boys down for a weekend, we'll take them to Leroy Selmon's for some good ribs, get them all fat on food, and then take them out on the field and knock the snot out of them.

Of course, that challenge will sit here and gather dust since I have the combined leverage of a toothpick and a drinking straw.

But there it is... you heard it here first. I can guarantee you that Saban will NOT be scheduling USF as a non-conference opponent any time in his career at Alabama. Anyone wanna take that bet?

Didn't think so...

Peace out...

Heitz

Is Global Warming REAL?

OK, now I know what our friend Stephen Colbert says global warming is real because Al Gore's movie made money. But seriously, let's think about this from another standpoint, shall we?



Now, I am not going to say we should NOT find alternative energy sources, in fact I think that is more important than just about anything right now for a number of reasons. I also am not going to get caught up in talking about my carbon footprint. I live in Tampa, Florida... the land of driving everywhere. No public transportation means hop in your SUV and drive there.



What I would like to bring up (and it's been brought up before I think) is exactly how much impact does human activity have on our planet? How can we say that MAN is responsible for the melting polar caps when the caps froze over numerous times only to recede and melt some. Did dinosaurs cause global cooling thus making themselves extinct?



The thought that pops in my head is "golly, we sure are full of ourselves thinking we have THAT much control over our planet!!!" I mean, global warming is being touted as the reason for the number of hurricanes over the past few years... of course, you can ignore the fact that each year they predict numerous catastrophic level hurricanes only to be disappointed. Now, do the insurance companies refund the excess money they charged due to the so-called "experts" claims of a highly destructive hurricane, season? Of course not!



My point is exemplified in a pretty slick book called "Decipher" from a guy named Stel Pavlou. It's a Michael-Crichton-esque kind of story tying global warming to an as yet undiscovered connection between the ancient Atlantis stories, and celestial events that mankind CANNOT possibly predict, let alone control.



Now, granted this is a work of fiction, but it brings up some strong points. How much effect does mankind have on our globe? Scientists say that the earth tilts on its access every few hundred thousand years; are we in a tilting phase now that might have much more to do with global warming than any amount of pollution we could produce?



On top of all that, let's say God (or Yahweh, Allah, Buddah, whatever...) is real and we are his little snow globe. Maybe every few thousand years he shakes it up by melting the ice, flooding everything (Noah, anyone?), and starting over.



If any of these are true, does it really matter whether I drive an electric car or a Hummer? Can I gleefully toss my plastic bottles in the same trash bag as my coffee grounds?



So I say, let's not be so damn serious all the time. Yes, we SHOULD be more responsible. We see every day what the dependency on oil has done to our world. How many people were killed in car bombings yesterday? I don't even need to go to CNN.com to tell you it was probably more than two dozen.



Now that that is settled, hand me my SPF 30... I'm going to the pool!



Peace out...

Heitz